The Key To Inner Confidence
Hurdles and potholes are an inevitable part of life, but a calm inner confidence will help carry you through
It can be so easy to see confidence as external. That stream of witty tweets, the endless Instagram upload of snaps from cool nights out, a constantly updated wardrobe, fame, fortune, 5,000 Facebook ‘Likes’…
But true confidence is internal.
A recent survey of 18-30-year-old UK women by Nivea, as part of the brand’s ‘Bringiton’ study, revealed 97% believe ‘confidence comes from within’.
It’s a reassuring figure, but inner confidence doesn’t always come easily. Often, we learn along the way that the things we thought indicated confidence can in fact be the opposite, and the things that once held us back, may end up being the fuel that drives us forwards.
“Confidence is about embracing fear, knowing that you might feel afraid, or something might not work out, but that’s OK,” says award-winning life coach Jenny Garrett (rockingyourrole.com).
“You embrace all of the outcomes that could happen, but it doesn’t stop you.”
Confidence shouldn’t be confused with perfection either; being too hung up on being ‘perfect’ can actually set us up for disappointment.
That’s obviously not to say it’s not good to strive to be the best you can, notes Garrett, but do so while also accepting that “you’ll make mistakes and there’ll be bumps in the road, but you can keep going and overcome them”.
Another big one for Garrett is embracing our life story.
“Some of the things that make us lack confidence, things we’re perhaps ashamed or embarrassed about and that we try to hide, we should embrace instead,” she explains. “So you may have failed that exam, but what did that give you? Maybe it made you more resilient, more determined, or changed the direction of your life.
“Really embrace your life and think, ‘What is the positive that’s come from my experiences, my struggles?’, whatever it is. Doing that makes you more appreciative, and less apologetic of who you are.
“I used to be very poor at public speaking, really nervous and I found it really hard,” Garrett adds. “Overcoming that was about embracing who I am; I stopped comparing myself to people who seemed better at it.
“This is how I do it, this is who I am!”
Here, seven wonder women of wellbeing reveal their own personal paths to inner confidence…
:: Sioned Quirke, dietitian (quirkynutrition.co.uk)
“True confidence certainly came from within for me, and it was a case of ‘having’ to do it, when I had to move away from my family, friends and partner to complete a clinical placement for my qualification. I didn’t expect to be placed in a hospital more than 100 miles away; it was a very difficult time. I had to become a strong, independent woman – fast. It was a gradual change, but as I evolved, it became easier, I found myself being more able to take control, speak to strangers with confidence and convey my opinion in an effective way. I realised my transformation when I moved back home, into my usual surroundings, but with more inner confidence.”
:: Dr Davina Deniszczyc, Nuffield Health wellbeing medical director (nuffieldhealth.com)
“Camping round South America for six months certainly made me grow up and think differently. Only having a small budget meant I didn’t buy anything I didn’t need; gone was the necessity for make-up or clothes! The activities, like trekking, rafting and paragliding, were challenging, and it made you dig deep. This period gave me valuable lessons in teamwork and compromise. Becoming a GP helped build my inner confidence too, and becoming a mother changed me; I had no idea how being completely responsible for the welfare of another person can make you live differently. I believe inner confidence is shown through acceptance of people and situations. Life will pose challenges; all you can do is ride the highs and lows.”
:: Cheryl Rickman, author of The Flourish Handbook and creator of 30 Day Flourish Challenge (FlourishChallenge.com)
“I believe inner confidence comes from dealing with difficulties, overcoming adversity and handling hardships. It could be the first time you stand up for what you believe in, or coming out the other side of a bad situation. I was 17 when I faced the death of my inspirational mother. As well as heartbreaking sadness and anger, I felt gratitude for having had her as my mum at all, and I gained confidence that I was somehow able to survive this huge loss and bounce back with a zest for life. Resilience, weathering the storms in our lives, creates inner confidence that we are, and shall be, OK. So does finding our true purpose in life; when you say, ‘This is what I was meant to do with my life’, that’s as confidence-boosting as any achievement thereafter.”
:: Emma Wight-Boycott, nutritionist (emmanutrition.com)
“My confidence has certainly grown as I’ve matured, particularly in my thirties. Previously, it was more easily rocked, until I realised through a series of events, I could achieve anything I needed or wanted. My confidence is now more of a quiet peaceful friend that sits alongside me, and isn’t shaken by external white noise. I also try to be grateful for the small things in life, as well as nurturing myself and my feelings, much like one would a child. People have a tendency to be quite harsh on themselves for making mistakes, but I’ve found it’s more fruitful to nurture and be kind to ourselves, while gently pushing the boundaries of what we’re comfortable with. That’s my secret to a calm inner confidence – on top of the love of my beautiful family!”
:: Julie Hurst, therapist and life coach (worklifebalancecentre.org)
“My confidence defining moment came when sitting on a speakers’ platform about to address a conference. The MC made the introductions and one speaker sounded so interesting, I looked along the line to see who it was. It was me. I hadn’t recognised the description, because I didn’t believe in my value and worth. I decided to use an affirmation, regarding being an expert with a valuable opinion to share, and immersed myself in it by repeating it many times every day for weeks, until it became second nature. Several months later I was speaking at another conference. This time I was asked to provide my own introduction. It began with: ‘Hello, I’m Julie Hurst, and I am an expert in wellbeing’. I’ve never looked back.”
:: Dr Uchenna Okoye, cosmetic dentist (londonsmiling.com)
“Inner confidence is something that grows most definitely as you age. Growing up as the oldest sibling in a large family gave me confidence. Also, my father instilled in us the philosophy of, ‘if life gives you lemons, why not make lemonade?’. In other words, you can strive and go that bit further. I’m inspired daily by women whose confidence changes when I change their smile, and by helping change someone else’s life, I gain confidence too. I also surround myself with confident people. My husband and friends are truly amazing and constantly inspire me to give my best. Of course, there are times when your confidence gets knocked, but I think having great foundations has helped.”
:: Danielle Collins, face yoga expert faceyogaexpert.com, @FaceYogaExpert)
“Confidence is about feeling comfortable in your own skin. We don’t need to be born with it, but we can use a few simple tricks to help us find our strongest, happiest self. Simply visualising yourself as confident will help. Then, whenever you need to feel confident in a situation, bring this visualisation back to mind. Also, each day, tell yourself, ‘I am full of confidence’, even if you don’t believe it at first! I found my inner confidence when I suffered from ME for two years. I used to be someone who was very stressed, quite unhealthy and didn’t have a sense of inner confidence and contentment. I started using face yoga, body yoga, affirmations and visualisations to help me overcome the illness and find my true confidence.”
How confident do you feel at 50+? What life experiences have shaped how you feel about yourself?
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