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BTP's latest comments
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22nd Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Hello from Canada!Hi Mike. Sorry for the delay in replying. I shall mention the Hong Kong Gardens to my pal, and hopefully she will take me there next time I am over. How are you finding lockdown over there? Are you making use of the time for anything new? We are looking at a possible second lockdown soon. I am dreading it. But I am starting to think about how I might use the time. I, (as I am sure many the world over) am so sick of Covid and can't wait to get back to some sort of normal life where we can visit our love ones with out fear. Go about our business with out a mask! Plan a holiday. It hardly seems possible it was only 6 months ago that we all had a 'normal life' what ever that means. Stay safe.:)ViewDate:
22nd Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi there. I am coming on here intermittently. Its quite comforting to know real people are on here, reading stuff:) How are you finding the site so far?ViewDate:
4th Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi Minaree Thank you for reaching out:) I am definitely feeling less lonely knowing there are people on here to talk to. I live in Stockport in the UK. Where are you? As you say state, I always assume it must be America or Canada? Its sad that your son lives in another state. My parents moved away when I had small children. I understand now that for them I had started my adult life and had a family of my own to get on with. But for me at the time I felt they had left me when I needed some support and help with the baby. But what doesn't break you makes you stronger, as they say:) What are you thinking of doing with retirement?ViewDate:
4th Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyGood Morning Stupot I'm glad reading the posts give you something to look forward to. It does me too. It has helped me to feel less alone, and that I am still connected to the outside world. But tbh I know my situation has been nowhere near as bad as some peoples. We have locked down, both myself and husband. So I had someone with me. There were even aspects of it that I enjoyed. Its not often my husband and I have quality time together. He has a lot more going on outside of the house. He is also one of six children, so he always feels connected and a sense of belonging. My Daughter 'ranaway' to Spain 14 years ago, and 3 years later returned home with a 6 month old baby. I never quite got over her leaving home the way she did, and not knowing if she was safe, or where she was for several months. Then however lovely it was to have a baby in the family, we had missed out on 6 months with him. My Daughter had very severe PND, and was trying to pick up some sort of life. We had them live with us for 6 months before supporting her to get her own place, We took on much of the 'parenting ' duties as she was depressed, and then she was out at college, or driving lessons, or seeing friends. We thought it important she be able to pick up a new life and wanted to support her. So we formed a special bond with my grandson. Which over the years has then become problematic. My Daughter has become jealous, and bitter and very resentful. Culminating in an issue just after her baby girl was born a week before lockdown. She cut contact with me. It was clearly just me though. It was not until my husband and younger Daughter each eventually said they wouldn't be seeing her that she reached out to me. Again I had missed 5 months of my granddaughters life. The tears were daily. I was fearful distress and distraught. I felt very alone, rejected and abandoned. I was shouting out, crying, and sobbing even in my sleep my husband told me. I felt I had lost a family of four. There was no way I could have held those tears in. But I found a therapist, and my 'wish' I told her was to feel I could contain and control my emotions. She told me not to try that, but to let them out, accept and be compassionate with myself. She has shown me some techniques that I am finding really helpful to I am a bit more 'together'. They are using EFT techniques of tapping. If you are interested, youtube them. I'm very surprised, but they do work. I hope your day goes ok. My hat goes off to you for managing to get through lockdown alone, and I am sending virtual hugs.ViewDate:
3rd Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Hello from Canada!Hi Mike My best friend lives in Toronto, and I try to visit once a year. I love the place. I would happily move there if I could. You have some great restaurants there. Do you go to The Fork and Spoon? We also like the Manderin for a buffet. You also have the most amazing ice storms:) Anyway, I just thought I would say Hi, from the UKViewDate:
3rd Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyThank you Stupot. I agree, life is too short. I would like to get back out there. I will rejoin choir when it is safe to do so. I think I am probably a bit too reliant on my family, especially my youngest Daughter. I worry that we have quite a co dependent relationship. But I am hoping once the virus situation gets under control, I can start to look at doing things again. I have some ideas about finding an art group, or maybe another craft group of some sort. I have considered, (briefly) doing an academic course. I have a post grad diploma, but I found it difficult to do, and that was 10 years ago. The purpose of doing something like that would be to stretch my brain, but I suspect it would back fire as it would cause a lot more stress than I need at the moment. I am sorry to hear you lost your husband, and that you fee l your family don't want you hanging around them. Im sure that isn't the case, but we can often feel we are a burden to people, when actually those people are enjoying the company too. I am trying to train my thinking, fact or feeling.....so when my head starts to work and over work on something, I stop and ask my self is that fact, or a feeling. If its a feeling, then it doesn't make it a reality. I love your positive attitude.ViewDate:
3rd Sep 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyIt is amazing that you have raised an independent Daughter, who is proud and strong, wants to keep her own name, and have her own career. We don't always know how life is going to turn out, we can only do our best to make informed choices with the information we have to hand at that point in time. That's what I see you have done. Your children's needs came first. You have done an amazing job. Its your turn now. Year ago I had dreams and aspirations. I wanted to travel, see the world, do some exciting things. Gradually I noticed that the exciting things were getting tamer. Its gone from wanting to go on a safari holiday, to it would be exciting, (anxiety provoking) to turn up at the airport not knowing where we were going to travel to, but to get the next flight out. Now I can't even imagine us doing that. I don't know if its age, I'm only 55, or health issues (I have lupus, and often feel very tired and sore, and usually on holiday I feel worse), or if its depression. My get up and go, got up and went. What is on your bucket list Susikins? If you could do anything, without fear of consequences, what would you do?ViewDate:
31st Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi Joannie Its all very well and good reminding ourselves that there are people worse of than us, but sometimes it just doesn't change the fact that its a bad day. Covid has left so many people feeling lonely and unconnected to people. Five months of your own company is a long time, even if you really like yourself, and your own company Years ago I would have what I called duvet days, where I would allow myself a bad day, and just go with it, do nothing, watch trash TV, eat rubbish etc. Which is great, now and again. But I found actually I was having a lot of duvet days, and they had stopped serving the purpose they had. I found getting out, meeting friends, starting a course all helped me. But these are the very things we can't do now. Thank god for the internet eh?ViewDate:
31st Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi Joannie Its all very well and good reminding ourselves that there are people worse of than us, but sometimes it just doesn't change the fact that its a bad day. Covid has left so many people feeling lonely and unconnected to people. Five months of your own company is a long time, even if you really like yourself, and your own company :) Years ago I would have what I called duvet days, where I would allow myself a bad day, and just go with it, do nothing, watch trash TV, eat rubbish etc. Which is great, now and again. But I found actually I was having a lot of duvet days, and they had stopped serving the purpose they had. I found getting out, meeting friends, starting a course all helped me. But these are the very things we can't do now. Thank god for the internet eh?ViewDate:
31st Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyOh, the sacrifices we make for our children. Its so difficult to be part of a village, and not accepted. I have the same issue. Small village life, where so many here have grown up here and know one another, where I have only been here for 33 years. It was worse when we lived on a cul-de-sac and the kids were little. There were coffee mornings, which I would be invited to, and I'd go to, but once they had their gossip they lost interest. I found I turned the tables in the end. We moved then onto a better street, but I kept myself to myself. How did you find out about your hubby's affair, and more importantly did you forgive him? did he want forgiveness? is it over? Some relationships are like the three legged stool. They need a third person to keep it going. Maybe yours is a bit like that, with either his Mother, or the affair. He never quite invests fully in you, and you find a way to cope with that! Do you feel angry with him? I get a lot of stick off my children, all adults now. They have all at some point brought about a crisis, unwittingly. in our marriage. My husband was in the police, and for most of their lives he worked shifts, and long hours. meaning that I could not work for a long time as childcare and family support was none existant. It was me, chief cook, bottle washer, taxi, gardener, decorator and scape goat who had to do everything with and for them. I resented my hubby for a long time. I felt trapped and so unhappy. The kids picked that up, although I didn't realise until they were adults and had left home. One by one, they would return for a long stay, and it would be impossible to mask the 'nothingness' that existed in the house for a long period of time. They would leave and in the wake would be a crisis about how horrible I am. Their Dad is very passive aggressive, and conflict avoidant. They could do anything they wanted, and did, and he wouldn't say anything. But I did. So I copped for the flack. Eventually the three children ganged up on me, and gave me a two hour tirade. It was awful. Since then my relationship with my son has been almost non existant, and not great with my older daughter. But with the youngest daughter, who had been opted to be their spokesperson, we are close. She feels so so bad still, and it was 4 years ago now. But it did teach me that I can't hide things, how I feel, etc. I can't expect my children to love me, and bring me happiness. I can't expect to have the family I crave. I have to make my own happiness. I have to protect myself when necessary, even from my own family. And I can, most of the time, feel love and warm fuzzy feelings for my hubby, lol. I have learnt to accept him as he is. Whilst he has not been diagnosed, I believe he has Asperger's. So in many ways he is unable to offer, or be what I would like him to be. We, together are doing what we should have done from the beginning, talk over issues as and when they occur, and listen to how the other feels. Its not easy, particularly when the kids are involved as I often feel left out. He puts them first, and shows them love, but not me. But jealousy is my problem, not his. He is happy if i'm doing things with the kids. I have to learn still that love is not necessarily something that is in short supply, and it can be allowed to enter your heart even if you didn't start of that way. I am still learning all this by the way. And honestly it is true, the greatest learning comes from the hardest lessons, and the most painful. But I wanted to also say to you I feel for you. But don't give up on your own happiness. XViewDate:
31st Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi Susikins. Oh my heart goes out to you. It seems like such a statement to say "simply ended my quality of life", and for so long. I am sure you will have been investigated for treatments, but it just seems unfathomable that you have had to contend with incontinence for so long. I can understand why you would feel anxious about going too far from home. But it also seems odd in this day and age to have someone have to modify how they live due to this issue. I am glad you have such a supportive set of life long friends. But of course they have lives too. I don't think we realise when we are younger how life choices will affect us later in life. My parents moved me away from my school when I was 13, so although I still continued to go to the school, it was two busses or two trains to get there. It also meant it inhibited my ability to see friends after school. At 14 I started seeing a boy, who I was with for 5 years. Looking back I think that was because I was looking for some stability. I got on really well with his family, and it gave me the sense of belonging I craved. When that relationship ended, I met my husband on the rebound, and quickly became pregnant at 20. I had the stability I needed, but I was now in a marriage that wasn't right for me, and had a child. My parents were of the mind that I had made my bed, I had to lie in it. So two years later I had another baby, and accepted my life as it was. 35 years later I am still with my husband. We have ups and downs, but I learnt to love him. I don't believe he loves me, But we provide each other with companionship. That's as good as it gets. Anything else becomes less important as you get older anyway I think. I think we learn to cut our cloth accordingly. As I think you have done with staying close to home, and I have done with my family and marriage. I sometimes wonder I am 'settling', will I regret one day not doing something to change my life. You have learnt to accept your hubby needing to walk, and be alone. We all learn to accommodate and accept I guess. I hope in both our cases we are not 'settling' :)ViewDate:
30th Aug 2020BTP commented on:
"really" making new friends!Hi I joined this group because of feeling lonely. Just reading the various comments people have put has helped me feel less alone, and connected to people. I have worked from home for almost four years now. After 12 months of climbing the walls, I realised I needed stuff outside of the house. All my hobbies are indoor ones, and generally one person ones. Like craft and reading. I tried a choir first, but it met in the evening, and was pretty serious. People arrived together and had already formed friendship groups. Plus, there was no time for coffee and chat within the rehearsal, so no opportunity to get to know people any better. I found a knitting group that met in a pub, which was newly formed. So getting in at the start of the group really helped me to feel we were all in this together. I found another choir that had a big social aspect to it, which I loved. Of course covid has halted that one, but at least I should be able to get back to it at some point. I also found another craft group that meets once a month. It was a really small group, and they knew one another. But I persevered, and found I did get accepted into the group. We have found we can meet online once a month still which is one activity I do look forward to. What I would say though is persevere, as groups often take a while to accept new faces as familiar faces. Best of luck.ViewDate:
30th Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyHi Susikins. It sounds like you have learnt to adjust to change and new situations, perhaps from having to move a bit with hubbys career. Its good that you can adjust and make new friends where you go. I do sense your loneliness, perhaps from leading separate lives with your hubby. Actually you sound a bit like me. I have no siblings. My parents live quite a way from me and are shielding. My hubby and I lead separate lives too. But I was really struck by you having separate holidays. How do you feel about that? We are very different people with very different interests. The one thing we have in common is loving our family. He was one of 6 children, and I think that has helped him to not need family in the same way I do. I would describe myself as a homemaker, but nowadays I don't have anyone to make a home for. I struggle to make new friends. I have a couple of very good friends, which I feel very blessed with. But I know I need more interests and activities outside of the house, but the current situation is making it so hard. With all your usual activities unavailable to you, how are you spending your time? Thank you for taking the trouble to reply. I really appreciate seeing that people have read what I have written.ViewDate:
26th Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Scared and LonelyThank you Dina for your comment and recognising my sadness. I do feel sad quite a lot of the time lately. I'm not close to my parents, though I longed to be for many years. As an only child I think I maybe thought having children would give me the family I wanted, and a sense of belonging. But of course life doesn't work like that. They grow up, and want their own lives, of course. My older Daughter has felt I was overbearing when she was a teenager, and I really struggled to find a way to connect with her ever since. She has my Grandson, and a 5 month old little girl of her own. We fell out two weeks after the birth of the baby. I am so annoyed with myself for arguing with her then. I could see that she was depressed all through her pregnancy, but still reacted to something she said. That argument has split the family, and meant we didn't see the grandchildren at all. My husband would get pictures and videos, and invites round, but I was excluded. Its left me feeling deeply hurt and very wary. We have a tentative truce now, but I worry I may put my foot in it again with her. However, as I write this, my younger Daughter is in labour with her little girl. I am much closer with this Daughter, maybe like you are with your parents:) She has positively encouraged me involvement and connection through her pregnancy. I suspect (and hope) that I will be busy looking after both Mum and baby for the foreseeable. I hope one day I can get back to a better relationship with my older Daughter. Thank you again for reaching out.ViewDate:
24th Aug 2020BTP commented on:
Just joined and looking for like minded membersHi Beauxbelles. I just wanted to congratulate you on your positive attitude. You are champing at the bit to get going with your new life. You are also accepting that its going to be hard at times. But you have got through the hardest bit, the first year, and the worse year you could have had with it being lockdown. Time to make those plans and step by step have a few new adventures. You are not on your own by a long way, but reaching out and finding like minded people can be hard. Have you heard of Meetup? Its an online social site. It is an international organisation. There is every kind of social activity you can thin of on there, with people looking to have other people join them in it. So walking groups, theatre groups, reading stamp collecting, you name it its there. And the best bit is if you don't see something in your area you are interested, you can create your own meetup group for that activity. Best of luck and I hope life brings you only fun and laughter from now on. X