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Caring for adult son

We have cared for our son for 20 years during a diagnosed severe mental illness. There has never been a day in that 20 years that we it has not infringed on our daily life and how we wished things could be different.

One of the main problems is his lack of insight and reasoning into his condition.

He has his own secure tenancy and when the Covid lockdown started we were left completely on our own to care for him. Even although my husband is over 70 and I have other health problems.

Because of his vulnerability and his disbelief in the pandemic he was a target for unsavoury people with no protection to visit his flat putting us in danger. It was inevitable he would need to be hospitalised which was horrific and he has been in a psychiatric unit for 5 months. It has now been suggested that they will let him home if we care for him but my husband and I have said we will only do it if we get the vaccine. We have been told we will not get it and it was even suggested by one doctor that we are being selfish to not do it and let him home.

What do others think?

Created By on 05/12/2020

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Dune15 Original Poster
13th Dec 2020 15:05:04 (Last activity: 24th May 2021 18:59:46)
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Have now attended what was called a discharge meeting armed with a 2 page document outlining what we would need to be put in place to help him only to find that he is not getting discharged but transferred 30 miles away to an ancient closed ward in a psychiatric hospital and we were totally unprepared for this so reluctantly agreed and now we are not sure what we have done? If we had known we would have got some legal representation present for him. Its a first in all the 20 years that they even asked for our opinion.
We are heart broken. You cannot ever stop being a parent no matter how old they get. He is a highly gifted person academically and artistically and it is so sad that in this day and age that there are no better resources ti help him and us. They have recently done away with any out of hours support which is scandalous.too.
Response from ecarg made on 13th Dec 2020 23:47:13
Hi Dune
I am so sorry to hear what has happened regarding your son. I am not experienced enough to offer much advice only to say they will be an advocacy service in your area who would appointment an advocate to work on his behalf.
Response from Jillwings7 made on 24th May 2021 18:59:46
I am so sorry you are going through all this! They never stop being your kids no matter how old they get. It pulls at the heart strings! But what are you to do? I am in america and unfamiliar with the NHS entirely. I hope you find some solutions, and all involved can become vaccinated too. Bless you.
4th Feb 2021 15:45:01
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Make it clear to the doctor you are not being unreasonable and that you would look after him given the vaccine. Put it in writing. Its not being unreasonable. As selfless as the NHS can be they are too used to being autocractic.
22nd Jan 2021 14:57:10
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I would insists that all 3 of you have individual assessments via social services to assess the needs of each of you. It would then be a legal duty of Social Services to provide each person with a care package I believe.
This will give a clear indication of what the needs are for each person. No one can make you take on the care of your grown son. Just say No and keep saying it if it is too much for you as long term you will perhaps make yourselves ill in the process.
Take care of yourselves don't feel guilty if it is not what you want say No.
19th Dec 2020 04:02:01 (Last activity: 19th Dec 2020 12:00:47)
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Hi,Dune My situation is somewhat similar. My son has been suffering from severe anxiety off and on about 10 years. Now has a daughter who lives with us . He is with us most of the time. I could go on for an hour. I am 64 my wife 62 . I would suggest is find a counselor which we did at the beginning and need to get back to.. One thing I would you say is don’t ever feel guilty. You have done more than any body could ask for and you need to take care of yourself.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 19th Dec 2020 12:00:47
Hi Dan1956,

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10th Dec 2020 07:48:02
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I would speak to his housing association and social services to find out any sort of care package is available .You are right to consider your own health.
Apologies if you have done this already but like many issues its a post code lottery as to the support on offer.
I understand your difficulties and wish you all the best.

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