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My children never visit me - am I being unreasonable?

My son and daughter both a long way from where I live but neither one of them ever make the effort to visit me. In the past I have always been expected to visit them but I am not so able to travel now. Am I being unreasonable?


Created By on 19/08/2016

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Anonymous
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Drillpush
8th Dec 2021 18:22:42
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Our children these days are very selfish.They forget us until they have a crisis which is usually financial.My kids 31 and 35 had abandoned me until they found out my mother who is 99 and has dementia left everything to me in her will.Almost 750 thousand.They have been trying to call me but I dont answer.Screw them 8yrs and not a call until some money may be involved.
Lady57
15th Nov 2021 00:41:00 (Last activity: 15th Nov 2021 08:10:16)
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2 of my daughters live less than 3 miles away and rarely visit me. If I want to see my grandchildren, I have to visit them. Very upsetting.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 15th Nov 2021 08:10:16
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Sully
17th Dec 2018 15:11:01
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I’m wondering if anyone lease has experienced problems with abusive adult children ? My 32 year old daughter asked to come and live with me for a few months due to financial issues. I agreed . I didn’t ask for money from her so she could save. Short version of the outcome is she became very abusive to me- apparently all her bad decisions are my fault, to the point when I was being sworn at and insulted on a daily basis. She refused to leave when I asked her too, so eventually I had to move her stuff out and change the locks . Of course , I love her and as she has made it clear I will never see her or my grandchildren again, it’s very upsetting . If you have expected this and have any tips for getting over the abuse and not being able to see my grandchildren again , I would appreciate your advice . Thanks
ian blair
24th Oct 2016 00:21:24
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No , you are not being unreasonable and try to remember that this is how the majority of offspring treat their parents. But don't lose hope, they will be around to see you as soon as they are in financial stress.
Olive Davie Original Poster
20th Aug 2016 09:26:03 (Last activity: 4th Sep 2016 18:29:02)
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I think you misunderstand me backpacker. I don't want my children to be responsible for me I am well able to look after myself, nor do I want them fussing over me all the time. It would just be nice for them to visit even if it was only once in say two years.
Response from backpacker made on 4th Sep 2016 18:29:02
No,I didn't misunderstand you Olive, but maybe I was a little bit too forceful with my comments.

I do feel that children are often made to feel guilty if they don't visit their parents - or grandparents. Imagine, if you will, how you would react if you had felt an obligation to visit your parents. I know I would feel utterly miserable if I thought my daughter visited us out of a sense of duty; the fact that we have openly discussed this means that she is genuinely happy to visit when she can.

Maybe my attitude comes from having lived abroad for many years at a time, when the only contact was letter writing; every letter to and from my parents was cherished, and still is. My daughter has recently returned from living in Vietnam for several years during which time we emailed each other every few days - again, each one cherished. We have written to each other regularly from the day she left home to go to uni, and have become accustomed to long distance relationships, so that when we do see each other it is all the more special.

Perhaps you could keep in touch with letters, or cards for no particular reason other than saying Hello, and emails if you're on the internet. Skype is also great - in our case we decided against using it because it would have been too emotional, but I know many people who love it. Maintaining the contact, for me, is just as important as visits. We miss our daughter SO much, but we're in touch every few days if only to send a "Love you" email.

She's planning a visit in a few weeks, and we all know it's because she wants to, not because she feels it's "time to see the Oldies".
kman35
21st Aug 2016 19:48:50
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I don't think you are being unreasonable, however if both are working and have a family and living far afield it can be difficult to get the time to visit. It is sad when family move away and don't keep in touch. Try to explain too them how you feel and how much you would appreciate a visit from them. As you can obviously use the Internet can you arrange a time each week that you can video chat to them for even 15-30 minutes. I do hope that you can encourage them to come and see you.
hattonvilla
20th Aug 2016 14:30:21
1
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cats in the cradle a song by Harry Chapin comes to mind
pitstop
20th Aug 2016 12:45:57
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I think it depends on the circumstances of both parties. I'm retired and my husband is semi-retired, so we have plenty of time to travel. On the other hand, our children (we have 5 between us) either have young children (making it difficult to travel long distances sometimes) or, frankly can't afford to travel and the inevitable expenses of being away from home, even though they're staying with me.
That said, I'm very lucky as they do all make an effort to come and visit when they can. The one we see least of is the one who only lives 4 miles away !!
Marley444
19th Aug 2016 10:02:54 (Last activity: 20th Aug 2016 00:28:39)
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No I really don't think you are being unreasonable. Think of all you did for them as they were growing up. I think at some point the tables turn and it is our responsibility to care for our parents in the same way they did for us. Especially as you have two children. They could take it in turns to come and visit you. Do you have grandchildren?
Response from Olive Davie Original Poster made on 19th Aug 2016 10:08:47
I have six grandchildren.and I only ever see pictures of them on Facebook. They don't even know me now.
Response from Kazzaj made on 19th Aug 2016 21:25:05
That is really sad olive I'm so sorry do you speak to your family?
Response from backpacker made on 20th Aug 2016 00:28:39
I disagree - it is parents who are responsible for their children; they are the ones who decided to have children, and they in turn don't OWE anything to their parents. To suggest to children that they are obliged to take responsibility for their parents is appalling; it is not something to which parents are entitled, and to suggest it to their children is emotional blackmail.

If, in later life, adult children do visit their parents, or become carers to them (as I have done, caring for my very elderly parents), it should be because they want to, not out of a sense of duty. My adult daughter,who is single with no children, is under no obligation to me and her father, none whatsoever; because she has been told this from quite an early age she has been free to live her life the way she wants to. I know that when she visits it's because she actually wants to, not because she feels she has to.
TWIGHLIGHT
19th Aug 2016 22:34:51
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I'm afraid it's a sad truth that our children find it hard to make time to visit. They don't realise how much we would love to see them and think we are being cranky if we say anything. I've given up stressing about it and keep in contact on Skype and the occasional e-mail or text.
Pwilly
19th Aug 2016 22:16:52
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No Olive I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm having just that problem with my own children. I try to visit them in Bristol at least once a month. But it's not good enough for one of my sons in particular. He has more money than me, a better car than mine and as I've said on many occasions the distance from my front door, to his front door, is the same distance from his to mine.
Kazzaj
19th Aug 2016 21:22:16
1
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No your not being unreasonable at all!
bournville lad
19th Aug 2016 13:47:30
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my wife and i have 4sons 1daughter and unless w make the efort w normally go to them idont think we are unique ithink it happensaccross the country its alot do with the way peoples lives are theres no love in the world today

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