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During Covid-19

I haven't seen my son, aged 26, since 16th March. We made an arrangement to meet outside as soon as lockdown started to ease, but two days before my visit, his live in gf said he wasn't to see me as I might be infected. Naturally he took her side and I didn't go. Fast forward several weeks and I invited him down a couple of weeks ago. We only live about 45 miles from each other and I live alone, so I was naturally looking forward to seeing him. I had previously made the visit to my daughter a couple of weeks earlier and had had a lovely time. He told me he could only come down on the Sunday and when I asked him why not Saturday, he told me he was going to a birthday party. As my son seems to have the "I am invincible" attitude about COVID, and refuses to wear a mask, limit his time shopping etc, I was naturally concerned about my own health. I said we should postpone the visit then as I was concerned about him passing it on to me.

I have left the invitation open to him to visit when he's had a quiet couple of weeks at home, he's working from home, but no joy. It was actually his sister who said it might be an idea to check he's not socialising too much before we all meet for a birthday meal. It never occurred to me that he would be out n about so much. He has told her that he is furious with me, for what reason I have no idea, but won't pick up the phone. He said he had to go out with his mates as I am causing him so much mental stress, and the drinks were to help his mental health.

He refuses to speak about me to his sister, has completely cut me off, and I don't know why. My daughter has been made redundant and is under huge stress, although covering it well, so I am trying to sort this out without involving her, but if he won't speak to me, it's a bit difficult.

All I am asking him to do is have a quiet time so that he can reduce the possibility of passing it on to me, as I live alone, would have no one to care for me, am self employed and also a small menagerie of animals that rely on me.

Any suggestions welcome. I have made the trip to him three times this years before lockdown and I am not going to run up again. We have had fallings out before, any parent/child does, but this one is completely doing my head in and although I am trying to brush it off for my daughter's sake, it's clearly bothering her and she doesn't need it right now.

Created By on 17/07/2020

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6th Aug 2020 04:25:48 (Last activity: 6th Aug 2020 07:49:46)
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Hi Cheryl

This must be very hard for you, COVID itself places so much new concern for people but the added hurt and confusion from your son sounds very hard.

This may be an old fashioned idea, but are you able to write a letter letting him know that you love him unconditionally and always will and apologize for anything that may have happened that hurt him?

I just think that life is so precious and with COVID it really reminds us all how fragile we are.

I know the pain of having family that don’t get along and I hear you and feel your pain and empathise.

Warm Regards
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 6th Aug 2020 07:49:46
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18th Jul 2020 08:30:09 (Last activity: 27th Jul 2020 15:26:13)
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A very every day story, are you PUSHING HIM and his partner too hard to do things YOUR way , back off a long way and let them be their own people.
Response from daisy duke made on 27th Jul 2020 15:26:13
thats very harsh Archie..she is a Mother concerned about her son and missing him ..
also the added problem of her daughter having her own worries .. have some compassion ..
18th Jul 2020 23:09:45
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Hi Cheryl,
In my own experience in a similar situation, not Covid related, anything you do now will only serve to make matters worse
Had we not tried so hard to understand why and mend matters, but backed off and let time be the healer the rift might have healed. As it is I have not seen my son in many years. We never understood where we went so wrong.
It will be difficult keeping some distance, but for your own sake and your daughter's peace of mind it may be best to sit quietly for a bit. He may be feeling that his independence is being challenged.
18th Jul 2020 15:43:57
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Hi Cheryl
Sorry to hear you have not seen your son. I have heard of similar stories to these with people being wary of seeing others due to potential risks of everyone’s lifestyle and who they are mixing with etc. and if they are going to work. They are all understandable in a way. Covid is raising all sorts of problems. Then you have those who have been made redundant like your daughter with further stresses. I found it strange to read your son’s girlfriend was anxious about you being a risk and then reading on it seems your son is the one who is mixing with others. I can see your point.

What can you do? It seems strange that he is refusing to pick up the phone. I cannot see what you have done. You might have to wait patiently till he calms down and then if you can calmly get your point across that you are not trying to control him by asking him to minimise his social contact but are just concerned about risks. Are you able to send a message by text if he will not pick up the phone? but try not to get him on the defensive. It sounds like his girlfriend is influencing him. Did you get on OK with his girlfriend before Covid?

In time when we are out of this, these issues will ease up but they do not help us now! There seems to always be a barrier in seeing people because of risks! Tough one. I hope you can get some resolve.

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