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Family problem

I am 67 and live in the Midlands, my daughter is 45 and lives outside London. My sister is 55 and lives 3 minutes walk away from my mother. I live approx 20 miles from my mother. My sister has not spoken to my mother for approximately 15 years. My younger brother aged 62 recently died. Two weeks before my brother's death my daughter 'popped' up by train to see my sister. My mother was due to visit my brother that day. My brother in law visited my mother to tell her that my daughter and sister were visiting my brother and that my mother couldn't go. My mother is 88, physically very frail and my brother's illness and death has made her fragile and confused. What upsets me is that my daughter did not visit her grandmother on that day. This probably sounds like some terrible rant but during the time after my brother's death my daughter texted me once to see if I was ok and then only left a voicemail to inform me that she would be attending the funeral to support my sister. I phoned my daughter only to be told some insincere psycho babble about my grieving. I would also mention that my daughter never visits me but that I have to drive and visit her if she needs a babysitter. I love my daughter dearly but am ashamed of her and disappointed in her. Her behaviour and attitude have bowled me over and I am extremely hurt and upset. I don't think I can ever speak to her again, Am I being unreasonable?


Created By on 19/11/2017

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CaroleAH
19th Nov 2017 23:58:14
1
Thanks for voting!
Kas, it sounds to me as though you are understandably totally bewildered by your daughter's behaviour, naturally grieving for your brother and also upset because of your Mum's frail health and confusion so now is not the time to make any decisions which could mean that you lose not only your daughter but also the grandchildren who you babysit for. Unfortunately, many people do not know how to speak to those who have been bereaved so they either avoid them or try to jolly them along and both strategies are bitterly resented by those who need a chat and sympathy. I agree with Ecarg - try meeting up with your daughter and having a discussion and if that, at the moment, seems like a step too far, then write to her and explain how you feel. Spend time with your Mum because she must be grief-stricken too - it's not the natural order of things for a child to die before his/her parent and she has also effectively lost a daughter as well if she and your sister have not spoken for so long. Above all, be kind to yourself - good luck!
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ecarg
19th Nov 2017 20:15:53
3
Thanks for voting!
You will not resolve your problems with your daughter by not speaking again.I suggest you put your thoughts into a letter and if she doesn't respond it's her loss as to have a mother who cares about her family is a whole lot better than having no mother at all.
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