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Ghosting - why do people do it?

Over 20 years ago I met a lady and her husband on a coach trip to Austria. We enjoyed each others company and stayed in touch albeit only with Christmas cards and a letter catching up on all our news. Fast forward 17 years and she is now widowed and had moved about 20 miles away from where I live. We started exchanging phone calls and meeting up for meals and long chats about how our lives were shaping up.


She met someone on a dating website and they were going to get married, then it was all called off for quite a few reasons - he didn't think that he should have to make any financial contribution to the bills in her house, where he was living, because his pension was smaller than hers. Also, he has a huge family who didn't want to meet my friend as they thought that their father/sibling should remain faithful to his first wife who had died.


My friend asked for my opinion about this man - I met him twice and there was just something about him that I didn't trust. I said that the financial aspect of the relationship would be an absolute deal-breaker for me and that perhaps she had had a lucky escape. Another 18 months passed by - still meeting up every 6 weeks or so for meals with phone calls in between, the last meal just before Christmas. I sent her two emails, January and February and got no response and have left messages on her answerphone - again no response.


So, my question is - why do people do this? We hadn't argued about anything and, on the surface, everything was normal. She has obviously taken her bat and ball home about something but after a friendship of 20 or more years, wouldn't it have been more honest to say that our friendship had run its course and that perhaps we should just keep in touch occasionally and let things peter out that way. Perhaps she has gone back to the chap she was engaged to and thinks that I won't approve. It's actually none of my business just as long as she is happy and he's not taking advantage of her generous nature.


Who knows - I certainly don't!!!


Created By on 12/05/2020

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CaroleAH Original Poster
21st May 2020 14:11:39 (Last activity: 12th Jul 2020 19:29:23)
1
Thanks for voting!
Update - I decided to write to this lady and Mrs Pat (see below) was correct in wondering whether my friend had had some kind of breakdown. She has had huge health problems and depression not at all helped by the lockdown. So we are back in touch and although she is not well at least we are communicating again, thank goodness.
Response from The_bees_knees made on 12th Jul 2020 17:39:03
Hello CaroleAH,

I have just stumbled back on here, having read about your experience with your friend formerly.

Just re-reading from the top down....I was thinking "write a letter!!!" (and I must suggest this to you), altogether the answer!

Continuing to the end... I am completely amazed at your success and how the first person to respond to you had 'hit the nail on the head'

You are obviously a caring person and your persistence has paid off. The sad part is that she is unwell and depression is such a complex thing.
A letter was such the right way to go, gentle form of communication and must've been a relief for her to receive, a confirmation that someone cares. When you are feeling bad, you don't wish to speak on the phone. It's too hard.
But you can contemplate what you want to do and how to respond to a letter, in your own time. Which I presume has happened.

I am certain you are relieved but sorry she is unwell. I think she will benefit from having/continuing your friendship as you seem a strong, determined and sensible person. It can be quite draining/exasperating, and testing helping someone with depression.
I think you will cope CaroleAH!

Take care!

Bees

P.S. Catch y'later....I am always finding you somewhere on here...you must be a prolific contributor! 🙂
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 12th Jul 2020 19:29:23 > @The_bees_knees
Hi,
Thank you for your comments. You are so right about it being easier to answer a letter than the telephone and it is difficult, if you are not prone to depression, to "get into" the mindset of someone who has it. I would never tell someone to snap out of it - that's the last thing to say but it is difficult to try and help from a distance. However, I've now received two emails from my friend and I've told her that she can ring me whenever she feels ready for a chat.
Not sure about being a prolific contributor to the forum Bees but I do like to join in as and when something interests me and also like commenting on some of the fantastic photos in the Showcase.. Now trying to get my brain in gear for a U3A Quiz Night on Zoom 🙂
Paulmck
15th May 2020 13:05:18 (Last activity: 15th May 2020 13:38:07)
0
Thanks for voting!
Sorry Carole - have a lovely day -Paul
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 15th May 2020 13:38:07
Thanks, Paul - and you!
Paulmck
15th May 2020 08:39:05 (Last activity: 15th May 2020 11:24:36)
0
Thanks for voting!
Good morning Carole,
Wonderful, a happy ending, what a way to start the day
Wishing happiness to you both.
Paul mck
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 15th May 2020 11:24:36
Hi Paul,
Unfortunately Carnflower is not the same person as I have mentioned in my original post! Carnflower and I have been private chatting on this site for ages so not the happy ending you had imagined. I was interested to read about your experience with your partner's daughter. There are so many scammers about that it is difficult knowing who you can or cannot trust.
I'm escaping lockdown today and going to meet one of my daughters, at a distance, for a chat. We haven't seen each other for 8 weeks so it will be lovely to see her again - chats on the phone aren't the same!
Paulmck
14th May 2020 18:24:11 (Last activity: 15th May 2020 08:21:51)
1
Thanks for voting!
Maybe and hopefully she feels that you would disaprove, but the other alternative might be that he has a dominating personality, and this can express its self by isolating a partner from their former friends.
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 14th May 2020 22:48:34
That's my fear, Paul. I suppose that I could write to her and hope that she would get the letter. It's silly really because we are not exactly in the kindergarten and she is an intelligent extrovert so should be able to speak up for herself.
Response from Paulmck made on 14th May 2020 23:42:43 > @CaroleAH
Dear Carole AH
My late partner and I had this problem with one of her daughters, who was a very self willed girl (I always thought of her as a weasel) , and we used to have problems getting through to her by phone etc, and the man friend always had excuses why she was not available to speak to.
We were most disturbed but a family member pusuaded an ex police sargeant that he knew to start asking question of people in a way so that the news that enquiries were being made reached the man.
Whilst the questions asked meant nothing officially, the fact that enquiries were being made was sufficient in this instance for the man to pack his bags and go.
This man was dodgy, and had claimed to be an accountant and was advising the girl to sell some property, we presumed thart he was after the money.
It is a ploy worth trying if this man of your friends has ill intentions, the fact that he thinks questions are being asked about him may have some effect.
On the other hand If there is not a problem it might be counter productive.
I'm sorry Carole that I can't really help, but it cannott do any harm for him to know that you are concerned about your friend.
Paul
Response from Carnflower made on 15th May 2020 08:21:51 > @CaroleAH
Hi Carole
I have been trying to get back in touch with you for ages since my laptop broke. I knew this was you as I knew about this situation through previous personal chats I had to re register as Carnflower previously Escarg please private chat thanks
MollyUK
13th May 2020 20:03:48 (Last activity: 14th May 2020 10:31:55)
1
Thanks for voting!
There are probably as many reasons as there are people who do it. I worked with a lovely woman for many years. We got on really well and she was a witness to my marriage. She threw her husband out after she'd had enough of his violence and constant affairs. A few months later, she took him back. She sometimes came into work with a black eye but was philosophical about it ("That's just what men do"). Her husband retired and wanted to move abroad. She left work, left me her future address and promised to stay in touch. That's the last I heard of her (20 years ago). I wrote several letters to her address in Spain, with no reply. My husband says her husband probably did her in, and he's only half joking when he says it. But who knows? Some people just like to burn their bridges when they move on to a different life, and I certainly identify with that (w=like an Italian driver, what's the point of looking in the rear-view mirror?). If you honestly, hand on heart, feel that you did nothing wrong, you just have to accept that she's gone and you'll never know.
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 14th May 2020 10:31:55
Sorry, MollyUK - I clicked on Add a Comment instead of Reply to You! Perhaps I need a coffee!!! 🙂
MrsPat
13th May 2020 15:14:25 (Last activity: 14th May 2020 10:30:17)
1
Thanks for voting!
It could be possible she was ill or has had a breakdown or something like that.
Response from CaroleAH Original Poster made on 14th May 2020 10:30:17
That was my worry as well Mrs Pat but unless I drive over to where she lives and actually knock on the door, which looks confrontational and could be embarrassing, I shall never know. It is still her voice on the answerphone so she is still there. I will keep you updated if I should hear from her but after so long, I doubt that I will.
CaroleAH Original Poster
14th May 2020 10:24:56
0
Thanks for voting!
I think that you are right Molly. When she and her fiance split up she asked me for my honest opinion about him. I said that there was just something about him that made me uneasy, especially when he used to disappear for days at a time if they had had an argument and also that the financial aspect made me think that he was taking advantage of her. As you quite rightly say - I probably will never know but such a shame to end a 20+ year friendship like that.

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