Ghosting - why do people do it?
Watch this postOver 20 years ago I met a lady and her husband on a coach trip to Austria. We enjoyed each others company and stayed in touch albeit only with Christmas cards and a letter catching up on all our news. Fast forward 17 years and she is now widowed and had moved about 20 miles away from where I live. We started exchanging phone calls and meeting up for meals and long chats about how our lives were shaping up.
She met someone on a dating website and they were going to get married, then it was all called off for quite a few reasons - he didn't think that he should have to make any financial contribution to the bills in her house, where he was living, because his pension was smaller than hers. Also, he has a huge family who didn't want to meet my friend as they thought that their father/sibling should remain faithful to his first wife who had died.
My friend asked for my opinion about this man - I met him twice and there was just something about him that I didn't trust. I said that the financial aspect of the relationship would be an absolute deal-breaker for me and that perhaps she had had a lucky escape. Another 18 months passed by - still meeting up every 6 weeks or so for meals with phone calls in between, the last meal just before Christmas. I sent her two emails, January and February and got no response and have left messages on her answerphone - again no response.
So, my question is - why do people do this? We hadn't argued about anything and, on the surface, everything was normal. She has obviously taken her bat and ball home about something but after a friendship of 20 or more years, wouldn't it have been more honest to say that our friendship had run its course and that perhaps we should just keep in touch occasionally and let things peter out that way. Perhaps she has gone back to the chap she was engaged to and thinks that I won't approve. It's actually none of my business just as long as she is happy and he's not taking advantage of her generous nature.
Who knows - I certainly don't!!!
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My late partner and I had this problem with one of her daughters, who was a very self willed girl (I always thought of her as a weasel) , and we used to have problems getting through to her by phone etc, and the man friend always had excuses why she was not available to speak to.
We were most disturbed but a family member pusuaded an ex police sargeant that he knew to start asking question of people in a way so that the news that enquiries were being made reached the man.
Whilst the questions asked meant nothing officially, the fact that enquiries were being made was sufficient in this instance for the man to pack his bags and go.
This man was dodgy, and had claimed to be an accountant and was advising the girl to sell some property, we presumed thart he was after the money.
It is a ploy worth trying if this man of your friends has ill intentions, the fact that he thinks questions are being asked about him may have some effect.
On the other hand If there is not a problem it might be counter productive.
I'm sorry Carole that I can't really help, but it cannott do any harm for him to know that you are concerned about your friend.
Paul
I have been trying to get back in touch with you for ages since my laptop broke. I knew this was you as I knew about this situation through previous personal chats I had to re register as Carnflower previously Escarg please private chat thanks
I have just stumbled back on here, having read about your experience with your friend formerly.
Just re-reading from the top down....I was thinking "write a letter!!!" (and I must suggest this to you), altogether the answer!
Continuing to the end... I am completely amazed at your success and how the first person to respond to you had 'hit the nail on the head'
You are obviously a caring person and your persistence has paid off. The sad part is that she is unwell and depression is such a complex thing.
A letter was such the right way to go, gentle form of communication and must've been a relief for her to receive, a confirmation that someone cares. When you are feeling bad, you don't wish to speak on the phone. It's too hard.
But you can contemplate what you want to do and how to respond to a letter, in your own time. Which I presume has happened.
I am certain you are relieved but sorry she is unwell. I think she will benefit from having/continuing your friendship as you seem a strong, determined and sensible person. It can be quite draining/exasperating, and testing helping someone with depression.
I think you will cope CaroleAH!
Take care!
Bees
P.S. Catch y'later....I am always finding you somewhere on here...you must be a prolific contributor! 🙂
Thank you for your comments. You are so right about it being easier to answer a letter than the telephone and it is difficult, if you are not prone to depression, to "get into" the mindset of someone who has it. I would never tell someone to snap out of it - that's the last thing to say but it is difficult to try and help from a distance. However, I've now received two emails from my friend and I've told her that she can ring me whenever she feels ready for a chat.
Not sure about being a prolific contributor to the forum Bees but I do like to join in as and when something interests me and also like commenting on some of the fantastic photos in the Showcase.. Now trying to get my brain in gear for a U3A Quiz Night on Zoom 🙂
Wonderful, a happy ending, what a way to start the day
Wishing happiness to you both.
Paul mck
Unfortunately Carnflower is not the same person as I have mentioned in my original post! Carnflower and I have been private chatting on this site for ages so not the happy ending you had imagined. I was interested to read about your experience with your partner's daughter. There are so many scammers about that it is difficult knowing who you can or cannot trust.
I'm escaping lockdown today and going to meet one of my daughters, at a distance, for a chat. We haven't seen each other for 8 weeks so it will be lovely to see her again - chats on the phone aren't the same!