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Kinda lost - is it too late to start again at 65?

I’m married to a 78 YO man and am not happy. This is my second marriage and I married him because I was on the rebound and lonely.


Now 19 years later I’m so unhappy. Is it too late to start over again?


I’m 65 and not happy.


Created By on 16/04/2021

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AbbyDola
19th Nov 2021 00:29:12 (Last activity: 19th Nov 2021 07:53:05)
0
Thanks for voting!
Though sometimes, you just need to figure out when enough is enough, it may sound harsh, but i mean, sometimes, happiness needs to come first before anything else.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 19th Nov 2021 07:53:05
Hi AbbyDola,

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Paul53
3rd Jul 2021 12:34:17 (Last activity: 7th Nov 2021 16:57:49)
1
Thanks for voting!
It probably depends on what you are looking for out of a new relationship. Obviously as we get older our wants and needs change. No-one has to stay where they are not happy but beware that the grass may only look greener. If you are clear about what you want from a relationship then go for it if the opportunity arises. Be careful though as loneliness can be a hard burden to bear.
Response from Whitebeam 1 made on 11th Oct 2021 13:29:27
That's so true, some aren't clear what they want in a relationship, but would rather be alone and happy than with the wrong person, it's then up to yourself to get out there and have a life and maybe it's better to have great friendships with people who do care about you and you can rely on, rather than a full blown relationship.
Response from Paul53 made on 13th Oct 2021 12:17:10 > @Whitebeam 1
Unfortunately, although I know what I would like, it is probably very difficult to find. I definitely don't want dating with all the different expectations around that. I would like friendship and companionship which are the main things I miss since my wife passed. I think most male/female relationships (or other preferences) are based on a very narrow perspective. There are several parts of a 'normal' relationship that I really don't want any more in life but I have always got on better with women than men. Anyway, I'll keep looking (although I don't expect to be successful) as hope is a good emotion to hold on to.
Response from Whitebeam 1 made on 14th Oct 2021 10:22:52 > @Paul53
Paul 53, you'd be surprised at how many ladies would like a companion/friend also but it's important to make that clear from the off. Some people do lead you on in saying they want a full blown relationship, then change their mind despite giving all signals that you're "the one" when you are probably in too deep, then the resent and upset begins when they start lying and cheating on you. Cake and eat it comes to mind. It's not great being alone, I've had many years of that, Someone to have a meal with/days out/chat with would be great but as you say, got to have hope that one day I'll find that person who wants the same things as I do.
Response from Paul53 made on 16th Oct 2021 11:58:22 > @Whitebeam 1
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Like most things in life though, one type of person gets branded with the behaviour of others. It sounds like you have had some experience of the, perhaps more typical, male behaviour. It is difficult to develop trust against a background of scams, half-truths and false promises. It's easy, I suppose, to flatter and be deceitful and how can someone tell the true character of a person who might just be good a writing the 'right' words. I write this in the safety of knowing that I am not trying to convince you personally as our geographical distance makes my interest only in communicating with a person that shares some of the same feelings as me. Take heart though. There are men out there like me that truly want the best parts of a relationship without all the complicated stuff we perhaps yearned for when younger. I will keep looking and I hope you do too as no-one should be alone when there are all types of possibilities out there.
Response from Paul53 made on 19th Oct 2021 11:06:11
Hi. Thank you for butting in. It's useful to get to know and explore the type of relationships some of us more mature individuals really want. I think there are quite a number of both men and women that would really like to have the kind of relationship that can be caring and based on mutual interests rather than, as you put it, 'only after one thing'. I believe it is those experiences that probably put many women off from trying to find such a companion. Social media can be a pool filled with sharks and there are many stories of disappointment and bad experiences. As it happens I have made a friend through this site and we have met up on a few occasions over the past few months. I know you only have my word for it but we have just shared our interest in family history with no suggestion of any additional relationship. Although I very much like her as a friend I must be honest and say that I am still looking for someone that lives closer to me (she is 90 miles away) to be more like a companion than friend, Like with Whitebeam 1 I am only interested in sharing ideas on this subject with you (and others) and nothing further as you live around 300 miles from me. I am not trying to convince anyone of my honest intentions. So I do think that anything is possible but for me probably unlikely which makes me quite angry with the other members of my gender that lie and exaggerate on social media and hamper genuine people from fulfilling their desire for simple companionship. I don't know if there is any way around this dilemma and would welcome any thoughts anyone might have. Good luck to you and I hope you find someone to share your life with that respects your wishes.
Response from Jenna123 made on 7th Nov 2021 16:53:55 > @Whitebeam 1
I agree with you @whitebeam 1. A lot of women get led on by men and yes cake and eat it is a good description.
Being let down by people is upsetting, especially if you are a genuine person with no hidden agenda. It hurts.
Response from Jenna123 made on 7th Nov 2021 16:57:49 > @Paul53
Some good points there :Paul. I would love to write more as it is a good discussion point. I will check back for more comments as it is an interesting deabate to hear both sides. All I know is there is a lot of living to be done, but we all get excited and full of hope and also disappointed and hurt just as we did when we were a lot younger. 1 thing I do agree with there are a lot of sharks on social media....
Off to get ready for a show... as I say lots of living to be done!
Take Care Folks.
x
carriex
16th Apr 2021 09:44:37 (Last activity: 7th Nov 2021 13:26:38)
1
Thanks for voting!
Theoretically it's not too late to start over, but in practice it's tough to find a man one's own age (I am similar in age to you) because men in their sixties look for women a good decade or more younger etc. Not fair, but that's the way it is....maybe it will change for the next generation....

Also, I dont' think lockdown/post-lockdown is a good time for drastic changes, as the whole last year has been so, so ghastly. To do something drastic with one's life when things are not 'normal' is dangerous.

Can you write down for yourself a list of 'Why I am unhappy?'....a 'What's wrong with me and my husband?, and 'Bad things about him/good things about him.'

Does he know you are unhappy?

SO many men are hopeless at 'reading' women. We tend to be far more attuned to moods than they are, by and large, and he may have no idea you are unhappy.

What is it that is actually making you unhappy?

Many men find it hard to show affection, which is SO essential to a marriage (far more than sex I would argue!!!!!!), but so often it is wives who have to show affection, and be demonstrative. Just sitting on a sofa together, holding hands, or in physical contact, can be enough. it's the feeling of being wanted and valued that each partner in a marriage needs above all.
Response from Paul53 made on 16th Oct 2021 15:34:05
I don't know if you still use this site. I seem to see many people that, like you, start off by adding comments to posts and seem to get nothing back. I am the same so only noticed your post when, out of the blue, someone responded to something I wrote several months ago when I joined.

I agree with much you write. However, (and I don't think I am alone) the things I am looking for in a relationship apply much more to someone the same age as me (68) than to someone younger.

I was married to someone much younger than me and it was fantastic. I believe she was (mostly) happy from some of the things I have read since she passed away. I always thought I would pay more attention when I retired but we only had three months. Although I believe that I showed affection, I feel that I could and should have done much more. My warning therefore to other men is not to put anything off and live for today as you never know how much time you have.

Now all I would like is that companionship and closeness without all the add-on complicated stuff. I realise just how important these elements are and certainly regret that I missed opportunities to express my feelings.

I believe that such a relationship is more likely with someone around the same age as me who does not have those more physical expectations we all had when we were younger. By this I don't mean physical expressions of affection. As I mentioned at the start I don't think I am the only man that yearns for a meaningful relationship with someone of the same views and age-group.
Response from Kilmanorth made on 7th Nov 2021 10:16:48 > @Paul53
Hi Paul, I was interested in your comments as I thought it was just me that felt that way. My circumstances were different to yours as I was married for 35 years and came home one day to find my husband had left me a note saying Goodbye I've gone. Now having 5 years in my own I realise we should have split up years ago. After my divorce I've embraced a single life to a point but would like to meet someone for companion ship and friendship. I wouldn't want to live with someone again but do miss someone to share things with. I've found people like that are few and far between, but I live in hope!!
Response from Safariman made on 7th Nov 2021 13:26:38 > @Kilmanorth
Hi Kilmanorth, have just logged on and read your response to Paul,
I think that your ex husband took the cowards way of ending your
marriage, he could have at least talked face to face to tell you why
he felt he had to leave.You say that you live in hope of finding someone to share things with, I can only offer to share messages
with you if you would like, I live in Southampton so probably too far
away to meet for a coffee and chat. I have not been married so have
not had the bad experience that you have suffered. I love to travel
and hope to resume that activity as soon as next year all being well,
not long to go now. Well if you feel like chatting to me I am here to
listen, if not good luck with your quest. Best wishes,Terry.
Shopgirl2000
27th Jul 2021 05:23:46 (Last activity: 11th Oct 2021 13:23:24)
1
Thanks for voting!
I don’t think it is too late to start at 65, but it is not going to be easy to find the right person. When I got my divorce, my psychologist advice was not to remember and point my ex husband mistakes and faults, but to recognize my own….so If I started a new relationship I won’t do the same mistakes I did before.
Response from Whitebeam 1 made on 11th Oct 2021 13:23:24
Agree with you, it's not too late, I don't intend to make the same mistakes but it's important to have trust, otherwise why bother. Unfortunately there are too many people who just want you when they choose with little regard for your feelings. So choose wisely.
TimH76
13th Jul 2021 21:23:06 (Last activity: 27th Jul 2021 05:27:05)
0
Thanks for voting!
I hope not i am 61 starting over it sucks after a 30year marriage
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 13th Jul 2021 21:57:15
Hi TimH76,

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If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

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Response from Shopgirl2000 made on 27th Jul 2021 05:27:05
The same happened to me! I got a divorce after a 30 year marriage, but no regrets. I’m 59, and I’m ready to start a new relationship….of course trying not to make the same mistakes I did in the past.
flakitamikey
11th Jul 2021 06:10:47 (Last activity: 11th Jul 2021 08:31:32)
0
Thanks for voting!
Its never too late but you need to work the pace your comfortable with
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 11th Jul 2021 08:31:32
Hi flakitamikey,

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Lakejinny
9th Jul 2021 19:29:49 (Last activity: 9th Jul 2021 22:44:15)
0
Thanks for voting!
I'm 64 and have just left a relationship after 20 years. Sometimes I miss what we had but he has moved on (rather quickly) We had an active social life and I miss that. I don't think I'm ready to meet someone else but I'm trying hard to just get some sort of social life.
Response from Julie Wick made on 9th Jul 2021 20:00:30
I agree with you Lakejinny. I'm 67 and left a relationship in May after 18 years. I also miss the social side but I'm trying to keep busy and build a social life of my own. I find evenings the loneliest. Hope things get better for you.
Response from Lakejinny made on 9th Jul 2021 22:44:15 > @Julie Wick
I've joined various clubs ie badminton. I don't drive which is a nuisance. I live in Essex, where are you?
weogufks
15th Jun 2021 19:46:44 (Last activity: 16th Jun 2021 08:03:46)
0
Thanks for voting!
You are never to old to start living again.David
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 16th Jun 2021 08:03:46
Hi weogufks,

Welcome and many thanks for your first comment in our Forum.

If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

If you are looking for some lively discussions, head on over to the Forum homepage to see what's trending right now and feel free to join in the discussions, with all our friendly members, perhaps ask a question or even start your own post.

Willy02
14th Jun 2021 13:20:09
1
Thanks for voting!
No, you just need to be brave enough to take that step.
Charlesb
18th May 2021 21:29:33
2
Thanks for voting!
Hi Huny it is never too late in life to start over again. Have faith and believe in yourself .
ralfwechs
7th May 2021 02:05:52 (Last activity: 7th May 2021 22:22:19)
1
Thanks for voting!
I'd like to think it is not too late. 67 here and have been single for a while now.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 7th May 2021 07:47:14
Hi ralfwechs,

Welcome and many thanks for your first comment in our Forum.

If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

If you are looking for some lively discussions, head on over to the Forum homepage to see what's trending right now and feel free to join in the discussions, with all our friendly members, perhaps ask a question or even start your own post.

Response from ralfwechs made on 7th May 2021 22:22:19 > @Sally - Silversurfer's Editor
Thanks, Sally. I think I'm getting a hang of it now.

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