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Letting abusive son back home?

My son and his partner lived with us for ten years mostly rent-free until 4 years ago his partner became pregnant and they moved out and rented a property.

During their time with us my son treated us badly, was couldn't at times and we called the police several times when we could not cope. Since moving out he has mostly only contacted us if he needed something, and we rarely saw our grandson.

He has now split from his partner and cares for his son part-time. His business has collapsed he is about to lose the rental property he lives in but refuses to claim benefits etc.

Instead, he wants to move back home. He blames us for not helping him with money when he needed it to support his business. We are living hand to mouth as it is. I want to help but I don't mind admitting I am scared of him coming back here.

My wife doesn't want him on the streets and we are arguing more since he has been in touch.

What can we do to help without allowing him back?

Created By on 07/11/2020

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8th Nov 2020 15:24:03
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I endorse everything that Smudgernan has said. I don’t underestimate how difficult it would be to say No but sometimes you just have to stand firm. It seems that he is being purely selfish in expecting you to just step in when things have gone wrong, without any thought for how it will impact on you.
Has to be tough love I am afraid.
Stay strong!
8th Nov 2020 10:15:40
Thanks for voting!
Hello Mikjayfay,

I read your post and really feel for you. Anyone who has been touched by abuse has some idea of the predicament you and your wife are in. It is really hard for you, I know. However, I am going to urge you to not let him back into your home. It would be detrimental to you, your health and your marriage. The shame of it is, your wife isn't really on the same page as you is she? No mum wants to think of their child on the streets....but remind her, that he is not a child. Your son is a grown adult. You say he blames you.....let him, if that's how he can explain away his own life choices. Seriously, it is all too easy to blame others for your shortcomings or failures-but an adult is an adult and life is all about choice, some are good and some go wrong. If we are lucky, we learn from our mistakes, however, some people just lash out and blame everyone else, except themselves-exactly what your son is doing. You say he refuses to claim benefits? Yet he will not refuse your hospitality, shelter and financial support. Think about it. If you were my parent or friend, I would advise you to be strong and say no. Make it clear you just about manage as it is financially and you would prefer him to seek alternative arrangements. Remind him he is a grown adult and you are not responsible for his actions. Emotional blackmail is horrendous, but when you are firm and solid with your stance, he will find another path. Wishing you health and happiness,

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