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Lonliness

I have been happily married for 45 years, however, because of complicated experiences with people I have come across in life I have completely lost faith in human nature. I am now feeling like a victim, I don’t want to feel like this as I know there must be some sincere people out there. Please where are you? I feel my problem is basically that I just care too much, I think deeply about everything especially the feelings of others, this has just left me with a deep down gut loneliness. If I were to overhear someone say something indicating they were feeling lonely.unhappy, I would want to solve their problem. As a couple, we used to take students for 3 months of the year, usually from China, we both loved that, so rewarding, making someone from another country feel at home and comfortable, since we moved house, we are no longer in the catchment area to do this, but it was lovely having someone come coming home on dark nights, talking about their day, laughter etc., We are like this generally, always but always wanting the best for others. I could write many scenarios here in the hope I can be understood but not only would it bore the pants of everyone, it would not really help me. All I need to know is, how do others think? Why do I feel so utterly alone. One thing mentioned as a possible cause was when I was 6 years, I was in hospital for a week for removal of tonsils, I vividly recall sobbing my heart out every day (which seemed forever) as no one visited me, no one at all, other visitors would come to my bed and smile and then disappear, I focussed on everyone coming in and out but my mam, dad and brother were never to be seen, why? To this day I do not know why, someone has said, this would have felt like a form of abandonment, to tell the truth thinking about it now, I can feel that same deep down gut alone emptiness, fear. However, this does not explain my loss of faith in others, there are as I say many reasons for this but I need to know I am not alone, not in the literal sense, but in the sense that I am not alone in my thoughts. Now before I say this I don’t want to be shot down as I know there are people suffering terrible lives, but I am a talking about the everydayness of life, People seem to be at home, close their curtains (I can’t even do that) close curtains and shut the world out. I need to let the world in! Whenever a neighbour moves in to the street, we are the first to put a welcome card in their door, we have done this 3 times over the last 2 years and not once has this been acknowledged. Our son is the same, he lives alone and works in mental health, his first thought when a neighbour moves in is to do what we do, welcome them. Like us they have never even acknowledged him. Why? How can they be so ignorant to the hand of neighborliness? I need to meet people (hopefully on here) that are likeminded, considerate, thinkers. People who really want to pursue this simple art of happiness, friendship. Please tell me you are out there, can we help each other?


Created By on 01/11/2016

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Mels
7th Nov 2016 20:57:12
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Hi Georgie Girl

I saw your post yesterday but wanted a little time to consider what you have said before making a response. Please understand that I am going to make some assumptions about you, because I do not know you, so I hope you take what I am about to say in the spirit with which it is truly intended and are not offended by my words – let’s call them food for thought as opposed to solutions or judgements.

You strike me as quite a sensitive soul and also as someone who is quite anxious – now there is nothing wrong with either and, often, neither state is the fault of the person who is suffering but they can cause problems generally in life.

It is quite apparent that the trauma and sense of abandonment you experienced whilst in hospital all those years ago has had a deep and long lasting effect on you and, believe me, it is quite understandable that when you are at a low ebb – like now, it rears up to overwhelm you all over again.

I am wondering what your level of self-esteem is like? I deal with a lot of people with lower than average self-esteem, on a regular basis, and one of the key elements of such a low level is that the sufferer often tries to underpin their feelings of worthlessness – for example, you felt abandoned when you were little and now, when you don’t understand why people are not reaching out to you with the hand of friendship, you automatically take yourself back to that time when you felt that no one cared about you – you felt unwanted then and you feel unwanted now – you felt your family didn’t care about you and the reason must be because you’re not worth caring about. That may sound brutal and I probably haven’t articulated it that well but once we are feeling low it is oh so easy to search for the reasons and often the reasons we arrive at are that we are at fault.

The truth of the matter, however, is quite different but making yourself understand and accept that is a difficult thing to fulfil, so don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you are truly struggling.
You clearly are a kind and considerate person, as borne out by your attempts to be neighbourly and, yes, it can be upsetting and frustrating that your thoughtfulness is not reciprocated but let me tell you something - we all lead busy lives and sometimes the sheer effort of getting through each day can take up most of our time and consideration and if, like your new neighbours, I had received a card from you, I would very likely feel that it was incredibly kind but, in the general mish mash of life, it is also quite likely that I would quickly forget your kindness and not thank you – it would not be intentional rudeness but it would mean that I was probably more than a little inconsiderate in the grand scheme of things. So please don’t take this inconsiderate behaviour as a deliberate slight – I’m prepared to bet with everything going on, coupled with moving to a new area – they were too tied up in themselves to consider you! That can feel incredibly hurtful but I doubt if it was deliberate and it certainly wouldn’t be because they thought for one single moment that you couldn’t possibly be a nice person to know.

You say that you want to welcome the world in – of course you do and I bet you have an immense amount to give but, as others have said, the world will not come to you – you need to get yourself out there in the world.

There are many, many ways of doing this but, as I have rambled on enough, that is for another post – so maybe you could give us an idea of any interests you have or, indeed, anything you thought you might like to do and I’m sure the good folks on here can come up with some sterling thoughts and suggestions.

I for my part, do a lot of voluntary work – incredibly rewarding and I have made some lifelong friendships but not, I appreciate, everyone’s cup of tea.

Getting yourself out there is, as I’ve said, the hard bit but, as clichéd as this may sound – a journey of a thousand miles really does begin with the first step.
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 7th Nov 2016 22:22:46
Just to say thanks Mel for the in-depth message, I will send you a private chat tomorrow, you will be surprised at how out there I am.
Searchlight
22nd Apr 2017 13:45:17
1
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Hi there Georgie Girl. I can soooo relate to you, and I do think it's an English thing. I've just joined and I'm glad I came across your post. I have friends and I work. But the more I do for family the less I get back emotionally and people seem so wrapped up in their own lives unless they need something then you hear from them. Like you I need to let the world in. I get very lonely in my thoughts so reading your post has helped me as I know I'm not alone with my thoughts. I've also felt very abandoned and fearful. I put on a brave face daily but inside I'm crying. The more you give out seems the less you get back. Don't change who you are as you sound lovely. The world we live in is very materialistic and everyone has to conform. But a lot of people feel lonely in their thoughts, and we all need to open up and remember we need each other's support. Feel free to chat anytime.
Georgie Girl Original Poster
9th Dec 2016 12:40:17
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Thanks for recent messages and pm's. I do think I may have been misunderstood a little. Having 'feelings' of loneliness comes from so many bad experiences and losing faith in people, it doesn't mean I don't do things, I have done lots of voluntary work, some spent giving my therapies reiki/reflexology to mental health patients. I changed the life over over 150 people by starting a new branch of U3A. My mind constantly thinks about how I can help someone or enrich their lives by simple gestures. Random acts of kindness is second nature to me.
I wrote my initial message in the hope of finding that I have just been unlucky in all of the bad experiences and shallow people I have come across in life and that there are people here who are, like myself, considerate, thinkers. I am finding some of you are there and hopefully in time I can have my faith in human nature restored. x
granonthego
9th Dec 2016 06:24:56 (Last activity: 9th Dec 2016 09:37:01)
0
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Hi Georgie girl. Am totally on your wavelength but for different reasons. Have lived in 10 countries over 40 years so used to trying to make friends. Similar scenario with lack of acknowledgement of friendly overtures now back in U.K. I have tried to make contact on this site but it goes nowhere even if I give an email address. So can't suggest anything but would be more than happy to email if we can somehow make contact here but any comments just seem to me to disappear into cyberspace I think. But there are like minded people out there if they can just find out how to link up!
Response from Triandatesera34 made on 9th Dec 2016 09:37:01
I have also lived abroad and do agree that the expat community is so much more friendly.
Everyone back home is so busy!!!!! with their daily schedules etc. But do not think it is an English problem - other foreign friends I discussed this with said the same about when they return to their countries. I can also email
Triandatesera34
9th Dec 2016 09:32:02
0
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Hi Georgie Girl,
You sound like a really caring person and full of kindness. People like you do get hurt very easily as most people are only concerned for their own interest and are too busy!!! I think you need another channel to drive your enthusiasm through. Have you ever thought about volunteering in a hospice or homeless shelters ? - I think they really need people like you with so much empathy and you will surely get a lot of satisfaction yourself by giving of yourself.
There are others out there like you - so keep going - you never know how much people may appreciate you without showing it.
happystar
5th Nov 2016 10:56:26 (Last activity: 6th Nov 2016 19:20:33)
-1
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Well, the world will not be beating a path to your door anytime soon, you have to go out and spread yourself around a bit, smile at people (but not excessively, or they may think you odd) . Speak to people, visit your library, do a college course, volunteer, go rambling, swimming, cycling, in fact anything that puts you in contact with others.
On-line friendships are a poor substitute for the real thing and may leave you feeling unfulfilled.
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 5th Nov 2016 16:09:32
Oh my goodness happystar how utterly patronising that has come across. You don't really have a clue.
Response from happystar made on 6th Nov 2016 14:11:04
Healing comes from within and you can make it happen if you want it enough. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself is self perpetuating, and psychologically destructive, but unnecessary.
Sometimes we just need a kick up the bum.
Response from jeanmark made on 6th Nov 2016 14:30:26
I think happystar you have made your point but do not appear to understand what others are saying. Yes, there are people who decide to 'pull themselves together' and are successful but there are also a large number of people who can not. To imply that everyone can achieve what ever they aim for is possibly a little tunnel visioned - if you can do it so can everyone else attitude can also be psychologically destructive.
Response from KEITH_WL made on 6th Nov 2016 16:34:50
What JeanMark says is closely related to a feature of human thought that seems widespread - the assumption that what's going on in somebody else's mind is the same as what is in one's own. If you ask where something is, then the other person might say "there" - as if one knows which "there" it refers to.

A similar phenomenon is the idea that "if I can do it then any fool can". NO!!!

Keith
Response from happystar made on 6th Nov 2016 17:28:43
I don't speak from a position of ignorance - I went through a horrifying experience some years ago which destroyed the old bubbly me - I withdrew from the world, gave up work, took to drink, rarely went out other than to nip to the corner shop for food a booze.
A routine visit to my doctor saved me. He noticed that my old sparkle had gone and asked why? I blurted out that I had been confronted with severe abuse, physical, sexual and emotional from childhood that I had 'locked away' deep inside me.
He put me in touch with a counsellor who, after a few weeks, suggested it might be time to start living my life again.
It was hard, very hard, but I did it. I used CBT, relaxation therapy, yoga and self hypnosis, so I know that it can be done - if you want it.
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 6th Nov 2016 17:37:02
Some people just don't give up in more ways than one!
Response from jeanmark made on 6th Nov 2016 18:03:57
Well happystar you should be congratulated but again should not assume that because you managed to get your life back that everyone else can do the same. It could be assumed that having survived you would have more insight to why some people can not achieve the things you did but that obviously isn't the case. How sad.
Response from jeanymay made on 6th Nov 2016 18:37:43
I can't see what benefit arguing between members will achieve.

Having suffered from severe anxiety, depression , agoraphobia and gone through a complete breakdown after a lifetime of terrible abuse, and had more knocks than a knocking shop I can understand this subject very well.

Healing takes different paths for different people, and can only begin when it is the right time for that individual.

While I agree with some things you said happy star you also said you turned to alcohol before starting on the road to recovery...you did that until the time was right for you to start recovering...which was your way of coping .

Georgie Girl may not have reached that point as yet.

Then again some people are never able to fully recover.

While going out and doing different things can lift ours spirits this is not always an option for people with Severe problems, they need compassion and a very carefully tailored approach.

Maybe ending the conversation would be best.
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 6th Nov 2016 19:10:36
There seems to be a little confusion as to what I meant when first posting this topic as it appears to have been misinterpreted.

Part of my wording was..I need to know I am not alone, not in the literal sense, but in the sense that I am not alone in my thoughts.

I don't know why happystar decided to then address it in the way she did, however it did make me think of others (unlike me) who may have many problems that restrict them from doing or trying to live a more fulfilling life. If this had in fact been me I would have been very upset and as jeanymay mentioned, comments could be psychologically destructive to others joining this site which could be a lifeline.

Maybe happystar just a little cautious consideration is needed.
Response from jeanymay made on 6th Nov 2016 19:20:33
Thank you Little minx
Lzly
6th Nov 2016 08:52:28
0
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I read your experience with sadness and thoughtfulness. No wonder you have deep seated social anxiety. To be left for six weeks in hospital on your own without visitors is abusive and cruel. Your experience has made you into the person you are a strong and loving person. I think social media is a good way of staying connected but it is not the same as personal contact. You may have already explored the talking therapies to help you address your "victim" mode, but if you haven't it may help you to take control of these feelings and help you to live life to the full. I hope you find a solution.
[deleted]
2nd Nov 2016 16:34:11 (Last activity: 5th Nov 2016 16:06:41)
0
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[deleted]
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 2nd Nov 2016 19:51:42
Hi Lochinvar, been there, done that, got the tea shirt so to speak. Spent 12 months starting a new U3A in my area which now has over 140 members.

Interested though, what do you do talks about?

LittleMinx, you know I really appreciated your message.

Dolly, hope to hear from you again.

xxx
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 3rd Nov 2016 19:04:58
??
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 5th Nov 2016 16:06:41
Oh drrrr me!
[deleted]
2nd Nov 2016 23:10:02 (Last activity: 5th Nov 2016 15:13:26)
3
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[deleted]
Response from jeanymay made on 3rd Nov 2016 07:33:37
Lionel you are such a nice person, who is always willing to help others.
Response from happystar made on 5th Nov 2016 15:13:26
Someone once told me that 'friends are like the stars, you can't always see them, but you know they are there.' My question is 'what use are friends who are never there?'
[deleted]
5th Nov 2016 06:02:33 (Last activity: 5th Nov 2016 10:14:13)
0
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[deleted]
Response from Georgie Girl Original Poster made on 5th Nov 2016 10:14:13
One thing I personally do not have is social anxiety but I feel for those who do. I am quietly confident in most things, my loneliness is deep rooted and I am thinking now this is just something I am going to have to get on with.
jeanymay
3rd Nov 2016 07:32:07
0
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You are quite correct Georgie Girl and I'm sure we will all agree that lots of people are very self centred, and it can be terribly hurtful for someone like yourself who is a caring person, and has put themselves out to help others.

Genuinely "Nice" people do find it hard to understand why people act in this manner, and give nothing of themselves back, or even a thank you. I really hope you find some help here on Silversurfers, and wish you all the best. x
[deleted]
2nd Nov 2016 15:02:45
1
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[deleted]
2nd Nov 2016 09:02:55 (Last activity: 2nd Nov 2016 10:23:53)
0
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[deleted]
Response from Wilf made on 2nd Nov 2016 10:23:53
I think one fact is that many older people have retired and also as you get older you are less inclined to get out and about as you ahve less energy. At least I have found this. On the other hand we have more time to enjoy ourselves if we have retired

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