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Looking after a grandchild

I’m 53 and my partner is 49 and we have lived together for about 3 years. He has a 5 year old grandson whose mother is a lone parent. My partner has always maintained that his looking after children days are over and that apart from the odd stint at babysitting that would be it. He has always said that his daughter chose to have her child so she needs to be responsible for his care. She has been on benefits most of the time since his birth. However, she has now got a part time job in a supermarket which will mean her working every Saturday. She asked my partner if he would look after his grandson every third Saturday from 9.30 to about 3.30 and he has agreed.

Am I being unreasonable to feel cross about this?

I feel that he has moved the goal posts on his stance about child care and her responsibilities. I’m cross that he has agreed to do something that will affect both of us without discussing it with me. We both work full time and so weekends are precious and i feel that this will eat into our weekend. His arguement is that he is helping his daughter in trying to get off benefits and making a better life for her and her son. He says that it will not restrict our weekends as his grandson will have to fit around what we are doing rather than us doing things to fit around him and that if we have something planned then his daughter will have to find alternative childcare for that particular Saturday. He has also said that I will feel differently when i have grandchildren but i would never have agreed to anything like this without talking to him because of the stance that he originally took!! I’m concerned that care will fall to me if he’s doing things like decorating or gardening and i’m not sure i want to do it.


IHope this makes sense…I really would welcome your comments on this as I don’t want it to come between us….it seems that the only time we argue is over his children (i do have 2 of my own)!


Created By on 13/05/2015

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Cathy Crighton
10th Jul 2015 11:11:54
1
Thanks for voting!
Hello Windyweather,
How did your wedding go? I hope it was everything you expected it to be and more. Have you gone on Honeymoon?
We had a beautiful day despite the awful weather, we had all our family and friends there and it was just lovely. Everyone was so happy and relaxed and chatty. We went off 2 days later on a wonderful cruise to The Canary Islands, Madeira and Portugal, and we could not have wished for a lovelier holiday. I do hope you have had as wonderful time as we have had. I look forward to hearing about it hopefully soon. Bye for now Cathy. 😎 🙂
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 17th Aug 2015 10:58:31
Hi Cathy

thought I had replied to your post but I can't see it so don't know what happened! The day was lovely, the weather was great and everyone seemed to have a good time. WE went to Benalmadena for a week which was sooo hot! We usually have our holiday in June not July so the difference in temp was noticeable. Lovely place though, my OH has been before as he plays golf there but I hadn't been. We're now trying to come up with a special holiday for OH's 50th birthday in January.

Wendy x
Marie63
2nd Jul 2017 16:49:28 (Last activity: 24th Jul 2017 22:28:42)
0
Thanks for voting!
I realise this is an old post but it may be relevant to others so I thought I'd add some content. I am totally smitten with my granddaughter so can understand this man wanting to help his daughter and spend time with his grandson, his main mistake was in not discussing the matter first but I think it could turn out to be a positive experience for everyone concerned. I hope it all turned out well in the end.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 22nd Jul 2017 07:28:07
Hi Marie
I originally posted 2 years ago and yes things did work out fine in the end! The actual arrangement didn't last long as his daughter found other work that suited her lifestyle better. His other daughter now has a son and supports her sister in childcare. We still babysit on occasions. Oh and we got married 2 months after that post!

Wendy
Response from Marie63 made on 24th Jul 2017 22:28:42
WOW I'm so glad everything worked out so well, congratulations on your marriage.
jeanymay
6th Nov 2016 12:02:49 (Last activity: 6th Nov 2016 12:09:53)
3
Thanks for voting!
As someone who was a single parent myself I think the girl should be commended for going out and earning money to support herself and her child. I had no grandparents to look after my son, and relied on paid childcare, which I kept losing because they either closed down or moved. Terrible times of stress wondering if I would lose my much needed job.

I understand your concerns, but discuss your worries with your man, and make it clear you don't mind helping (after all it isn't very often), but make it clear that he agreed to it so therefore must be available.

Hold out a hand to the girl, and maybe you will enjoy it. x
Response from jeanymay made on 6th Nov 2016 12:09:53
Like others I have just noticed this is an old post. hope everything worked out well
Northern Silver
6th Nov 2016 10:13:57 (Last activity: 6th Nov 2016 12:07:34)
3
Thanks for voting!
There's two issues here.
One: I agree with you it would have been nice if your partner had discussed this with you, but it's done now, so talk together to see if you can agree to talk through big decisions together in future.
Two: I think it's lovely that he wants to help his daughter. It's not easy being a single parent, and she is only asking for one day in three weeks - not a massive amount of time. And although you defined the goalposts in your relationship, nothing is fixed in life - we have to adapt to events.
Time spent with grandchildren is so precious, and grandchildren often have a special relationship with grandparents - I'm a grandma myself now, and I cherish the fun I have with my three new little ones. And I still remember very very happy times with my own Nan. She had a box of dressing up clothes for us to play with. She used to let us make strange jam tarts from leftover pastry. She took us to feed the ducks in the park.
How about you could try to look at this as something extra you and your partner can do together? Something that adds to your relationship rather than the opposite.
Response from jeanymay made on 6th Nov 2016 12:07:34
Good points Northern Silver
vivaat
29th Mar 2016 09:05:31 (Last activity: 29th Mar 2016 20:58:59)
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi, do you have grandchildren of your own?

Although I think it's wrong for your partner to agree to this without consulting you I think it's a small price to pay. There's no reason why having a 5 year old for just 6 hours on a Saturday, so that his daughter can have a job, will disrupt things too much. Would you feel the same if it was your own grandchild for e.g.

My daughter has just returned to work and I have Evie one day a week. I go to their house as it's more child friendly than mine. I absolutely love it. I even gave up my full time job to do so as this has given me the opportunity to wind down in preparation for retirement. I also discussed this with my partner and he had no objection. He has 4 grandchildren and his daughter is also a single mum. When her youngest was born I had a few days off work to help, I offered she didn't ask.

At 57 I've just been offered a part-time job so have an income now too. My partner has just retired so relies on state pension.

I think being a grandparent is a privilege and will do anything to help out. Having Evie once a week gives me the chance to see her grow and develop, if I didn't see her once a week I would miss out on this.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 29th Mar 2016 18:22:46
Hi there!

Its quite strange looking back on all the replies to my post which was made quite a time ago. I think at the time I was more aggrieved with the fact that he didn't consult me about his offer to look after his grandson rather than the actual act of looking after him. In practise it hasn't been as onerous as I thought it would be!
Things have moved on...we are now married and my first grandchild is due in August!!

Windyweather x
Response from vivaat made on 29th Mar 2016 20:58:59
Hi windyweather,

I've just join silversurfers and after sending my response I realised that your original was old and you had updated it.

So pleased things are working out for you now. I believe I have a special bond with my granddaughter. She is only 10 months old and her face lights up when she sees me. We bring each other such joy and I love her to the moon and back.

I'm impatiently awaiting the arrival of my second granddaughter by my youngest daughter, she is 6 days overdue and I'm pacing the floors most days.

So now on Wednesdays I take Evie to see her auntie and we're hoping the new baby will arrive soon.

Happy grandparenting

Viv
JJ1952
24th Mar 2016 18:34:18
2
Thanks for voting!
I am aged 62 and my husband is 63. We look after our 3 1/2 year old grandson five days a week. He also stays with us overnight on a Monday and Tuesday night. My daughter in law lost eight babies and my grandson was the only one that survived. We have looked after my grandson since he was born as his mum suffered from depression. We would not be without our miracle baby he makes us laugh and keeps us young. Who would have thought that we would be crawling around the floor at 60 plus years of age playing with a child. My grandson absolutely adores us as grandparents. It was tiring when he was a baby but the love we received from him outwayed it all. His mum had to go back to work full time as my son is on a basic wage and rather than be unemployed he works hard and takes whatever overtime he can. Our miracle baby has since September started Nursery three days a week so we take him and collect him from school. We cannot imagine what life would be like now without him. People say it must be hard work, yes it is, but the enjoyment and love we get from him outweighs everything else.
Lizcarol
15th Jan 2016 11:48:08 (Last activity: 30th Jan 2016 16:42:11)
2
Thanks for voting!
whilst I think your partner might have at the very least told his daughter he would like to discuss these arrangements with you before agreeing to anything. I do at the same time feel his comments regarding helping his daughter to put her life in order but letting her know she will have to take responsibility for any alternative arrangements if you both are unable to for any reason are fair and reasonable.

Regarding your concerns about being left holding the baby so to speak are understandable but surely the decorating, gardening etc are things the little one can 'help Grandad' with and become an enjoyable time for you all!?

Hope you all reach a happy conclusion x
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 30th Jan 2016 16:42:11
thanks for taking the time to comment...its been interesting finding out everyone's take on this especially as I'm sure that there are lots of second time relationships out there! Arrangements are working out ok and its not been too bad..although I still struggle to entertain a 6 yr old....!! x
ecarg
30th Jan 2016 11:00:34 (Last activity: 30th Jan 2016 16:36:28)
1
Thanks for voting!
I have been reading the posts back to May last year.I just wondered how the childminding was going? Hopefully well and you are finding the positive aspects of interaction with a child.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 30th Jan 2016 16:36:28
Hi there..thanks for your interest! Looking after my husbands grandson hasn't been the problem that I thought it might be...arrangements changed shortly after they started as mum changed jobs which meant that we were only needed once a month. Still not really sure how to keep a 6 yr old entertained..its amazing how quickly you forget LOL but we seem to manage. Husband now has grandson no. 2 and my son has surprised me with an expected arrival due in August so I suppose I'm gonna have to get used to having little ones around!! x
davitts dame
25th Dec 2015 01:37:04
-3
Thanks for voting!
i THINK YOU SHOULD BE PLEASED THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS TRYING TO BETTER HERSELF AND MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR HER SON. I THINK YOUR HUSBAND IS A VERY GOOD AND KIND MAN AND I WISH MY EX HUSBAND HAD THOUGHT LIKE HIM. ONE DAY THE LITTLE BOY WILL BE A BIG BOY AND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS GRANDFATHER WILL BE A GOOD ONE. I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE A BIT MORE INTEREST IN THIS LITTLE BOY IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER AND HIS FAMILY, OR IS IT ONLY YOUR PARTNER YOU CARE ABOUT? SORRY HE HAS A DAUGHTER AND HE HAS A GRANDSON, GET USED TO IT IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM YOU SHOULD MAKE THE EFFORT TO CARE ABOUT HIS FAMILY - IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE YOU ARE THEN DONT BE SURPRISED IF HE TAKES HIS BLOOD RELATIVES OVER YOU..
Anastasiagriff
4th Dec 2015 02:31:39
4
Thanks for voting!
I do appreciate that in some respects you feel let down because you have received mixed messages from your partner regarding his grandchild, also that you were not involved in the decision made to baby sit once a month for a short period of time. As long as it stays at only one Saturday a month then I think you should take a step back and let your partner support his daughter because he is encouraging her to earn a wage which can only have a positive effect on her son's social attitude as he grows older . Not every single mum is lucky enough to have this support. Also it will give you both a chance to get to know this little man and give him special quality time which he will love and look forward to. You have three weekends out of four to enjoy with your partner don't spoil his little time with his grandson by being jealous and resentful, he will love you all the more if you can embrace this child and you may find yourself looking to this special time together
Deee1
27th Nov 2015 22:46:06 (Last activity: 30th Nov 2015 19:29:42)
1
Thanks for voting!
It's already been said, and quite nicely that I think your issue was that you were not part of the descion making while you will obviously have to be part of the babysitting. This being said.. There is nothing to stop you from going to get your nails done during some of this time to give gramps one on one time. I would also go one step further and make a ritual of ending the visit with dinner. Families need to spend time together and create rituals for the kids and grand kids to remember.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 30th Nov 2015 19:29:42
Hi Deee1

Thanks for your reply.
We are currently on babysitting duty twice a month and I am sometimes off getting my hair done LOL!! Have to say that OH hasn't let looking after his grandson get in the way of things we want to do and it seems to be working out ok. I quite like the idea of ending the visit with dinner..I might suggest that to him. It was the lack of consultation that rankled the most and I think I've made my point there.
OH now has a new grandson from his other daughter so this one could run and run!!

best wishes

Windyweather x
Vanessa Steer
16th Oct 2015 10:56:28
2
Thanks for voting!
Go with it, Grandchildren are the most wonderful thing! Our son and daughter in law have adopted two and we would move heaven and earth to be with them! There are at least 3 more Saturdays in a month! Enjoy him while you can!
Andre
18th Sep 2015 23:45:54 (Last activity: 19th Sep 2015 21:14:18)
6
Thanks for voting!
To answer your question, yes you are being unreasonable. A few hours once every three weeks is no hardship for if it were me I would want to see my grandchild more often than that. You are right to feel annoyed that he did not discuss this with you before he made his decision. That was very wrong of him.
If you value your relationship don't make a big deal out of this for you may lose what you wish to hang onto. Make an effort to have a relationship with the child and you may be rewarded with something that is priceless..........the love of a child. Best wishes. Andre.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 19th Sep 2015 13:28:12
Hi Andre

What a lovely reply..thank you! I know in my heart of hearts that i was unreasonable just as I know he should have talked it through first!
Things have moved on a little as we only have his grandson about once a month now. I am starting to enjoy it but still find it difficult to remember how to keep a small person amused lol!!
Thanks for taking time to comment x
Response from Andre made on 19th Sep 2015 13:59:30
Delighted to hear that and wish you much happiness for the future. Stay on the bright side of life. x
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 19th Sep 2015 21:14:18
Thank you Andre..you too! X
SovereignInventory
15th Sep 2015 09:42:39 (Last activity: 18th Sep 2015 16:27:26)
2
Thanks for voting!
I understand your concerns but find your attitude quite selfish I am sorry to say. My own personal circumstances are quite different in that me and my wife are not allowed to have contact with our grandchildren by a very selfish and spiteful daughter. You should put the grandchild and his welfare above your own. I would love to have your situation of having regular contact with my grandchildren and I believe it will enrich your life rather than putting a strain on your weekends together.
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 18th Sep 2015 16:27:26
Hi
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances and can understand that my post must have touched a nerve. I will take time to think about your comments as I did ask for people's opinions , warts and all! I hope that in time your daughter sees fit to allow you in your grandchildren's lives or that they seek you out when they are old enough to do so.
Kind Regards
Windyweather x
FLGal
21st Aug 2015 00:11:15 (Last activity: 29th Aug 2015 21:42:01)
0
Thanks for voting!
No doubt your partner should have discussed with you first. Maybe he didn't because he thought you would object.
How has it all worked out?
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 29th Aug 2015 21:42:01
Hi there...the arrangement fell through fairly quickly as his daughter lost the job. She now has another one which means working alternate Saturdays which means we have the little one once a month.
Silversurfers Editor
15th May 2015 07:44:03 (Last activity: 17th Aug 2015 10:48:45)
1
Thanks for voting!
Hello windyweather,

I don't think you are being unreasonable. A decision like this is best discussed beforehand as it will effect both of you, which is why you are feeling cross. Time is precious, especially when you are working full time, however time spent with grandchildren can be very rewarding. The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents can be so special. Hoping you can find a way to work this out without damaging your relationship .. it's good to talk about it and not let resentment build. Best of luck 🙂
Response from cwtchy grandma made on 14th Aug 2015 09:54:18
Can understand you would like to have been asked but surely when you take on a new partner you are taking on their family as well ? Grandchildren are a blessing , I look after mine as much as poss as the time will soon come when they will no longer need me . Wait till you have your own and try and think how much you are helping his daughter after all one sat a month is not a lot .
Good luck
Response from windyweather Original Poster made on 17th Aug 2015 10:48:45
Hi cwtchy grandma, thanks for taking the time to write.

I get what you say about taking on the family as well as the man but I think its probably less clear cut when the children are already grownups and have moved onto independent lives. I may have felt differently if I had been part of his children's upbringing but they were all adults when we got together.

I do think that my biggest issue was not being asked!! I would not have assumed that he would help look after any children my children may have so I would have expected the same courtesy. Anyway, as always with his flaky children, the job didn't last long so the arrangement fell through quite quickly.

thanks again for responding, regards Wendy x
windyweather Original Poster
25th May 2015 17:07:50
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi Cathy
Congratulations on your wedding..you must be getting quite excited now its so close! Have you chosen to have a big 'do' or just a small gathering?
We get married on 4th July. I had a succesful shopping trip thanks. Managed to get my dress, shoes and some jewellery as well.
The babysitting experience went okay i think...although he did look knackered I have to say!!
My partner used to run the Bank of Dad but i think I've helped him to see the error of his ways on that front and his kids have stopped asking to be bailed out now on the financial front. I think I managed to make him see that he wasn't doing them any favours and they weren't actually learning any life lessons by him keep helping them when they ran into money problems.
I have to say though that he is a really lovely man and I'm glad that we found each other 😀 😀
Hope your day goes well and the sun shines for you x 🙂 😀
Cathy Crighton
19th May 2015 11:16:34
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi Windyweather,
Good luck with your shopping this weekend, you are just embarking on a journey I have just done :-).
I get married on 29th May to a wonderful man who like your partner thinks I am hard where my daughter is concerned! He has 4 children and is extremely soft with all of them. They are all grown up now but still come to Bank of Dad!!! which annoys me immensely but for the sake of peace and quiet I now ignore it. I think you have done the right thing allowing your partner to be on his own for the first babysitting Saturday , I expect he will thoroughly enjoy the experience. I do hope things work out for you. Good Luck with the Wedding, when is it? 🙂
windyweather Original Poster
18th May 2015 15:58:02
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi Both
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and pointing out the positives of this arrangement. I do think its the lack of discussion that has peeved me the most and I think he gets that now.

I think only time will tell as to how much this takes over our weekends. My partner still seems to think that he can do the things he wants to do while looking after his grandson. This Saturday will be the first time that he will be child minding...it will be interesting as I have arranged to be out all day l ooking for my wedding dress LOL!! 😀

I think its probably that we met late in life and havent had children. together...we would have spent all our time arguing as I think he's too soft on his kids and he thinks I'm a hard woman!!
😀 😀
Cathy Crighton
18th May 2015 12:39:26
0
Thanks for voting!
I can see why you are cross Windyweather, it is not nice when decisions are made without consulted:-), but try and look at it from a positive side, you get precious time with a grandchild, and at least your partners daughter is trying to earn her own money! I have a granddaughter and I am main carer when she is not at school as my daughter works part time 5 days a week. I can only say to you it builds the most wonderful bond with grandchildren. My granddaughter fits in with what we want to do for the most part and we all get along very well. Try not to let this come between you as this sort of thing can fester and then be blown out of all proportion. Look at it positively you might really enjoy it and get to do things you normally wouldn't do. Good Luck.

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