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Man at Work - looking for relationship advice

The man = single - no girlfriend, in 60's, at work he finds me as soon as I arrive. He then finds me throughout the day. He has found out loads about me and shows a great deal of interest in me. He is an intensely private man and lives on his own.


He remembers everything I tell him and he talks about me a lot. He says I make him nervous - he is a little shy.


Me= widow in my 60's- like this man. He was in a really angry mood one day and I didn't realise. I asked him out and he said "I don't think so".


Since this he has carried on asking about me and seeking me out at work. Recently, he asked whether I still visit my husband's grave which I thought was odd. He is so private that he doesn't always answer questions people ask him but we know he is definitely single, no GF, not gay, and lives alone.


He seems to have had a very bad life via his mum/dad/siblings. What is this man up to? He constantly looks out for me and my safety. I like him but I am confused.


Is he just playing silly games?


I could do with some good, friendly advice.


Created By on 06/05/2020

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EllenMay
11th Feb 2021 20:40:17
0
Thanks for voting!
I agree with other posts in that he could be

(a) very nervous about striking up a new relationship due to a terrible past relationship tarnishing his opinion of women in general so that perhaps your invitation caught him off-guard and his refusal was a knee-jerk reaction which he now regrets, or

(b) he is in fact already in a relationship which no one knows about, whether platonic or otherwise, or simply with his family if any

(c) he is connecting with you as you are in a similar age, stage of life, situation as him, and you seem very friendly, but it may be he doesn't want it to go beyond just an office friendship; or

(d) has some form of personality disorder, autism (thus lack of social skills and ability to relate) and

(e) his curiosity is unhealthy, a possibility you can't ignore.

I think that I would be friendly but emotionally guarded and see if I could find out anything more about him through discreet and subtle questioning of him, himself, generally without raising suspicions from colleagues or other information eg online, social media etc.

If he persists in extracting personal information from you without providing any reason for his interest I would be very concerned, personally. His interest alas could simply arise from loneliness, a parallel of his life with your life, birds of a feather etc and/or a lack of friends on his side for whatever reason and he is giving out the wrong signals. You would expect a reciprocal exchange of information from anyone interested in a relationship. Good luck!
Streudal
4th Feb 2021 10:22:05
1
Thanks for voting!
Be careful I'm living with a man who has a personality disorder and your description is ringing all sorts of alarm bells......definitely block any information about you and cool chatting to him. Do it gradually.
Rellie
26th Jul 2020 22:44:37
1
Thanks for voting!
As Moray says treat this man with caution, any man who wanted a relationship in the normal way would be only to glad to give of themselves. Two choices really, ask him out again and then see what happens, if he responds then you may find out more but certainly in a place with people around you or keep a wide berth which I along with Moray would advise, something amiss. Another man me that is.
moray
25th Jul 2020 16:16:21
1
Thanks for voting!
Avoid him. I don't like the sound of him. His behaviour is weird. People usually enjoy sharing their life with others. He is hiding something. Put yourself first. By the way I'm a man.
lunaloon
7th May 2020 18:59:57
1
Thanks for voting!
Sorry just realised the reply before me said probably much the same thing. Its my first time on here and I am not really into the swing of things yet. Ignore what I wrote and good luck!
lunaloon
7th May 2020 18:33:14
1
Thanks for voting!
Hello, Maybe the full on approach of asking him out was a little too much for him to deal with. He does seem interested in you so maybe you could just ask his advice on something, or make him a cake to take to him, or ask his opinion about something in the garden that needs tending too. Us girls still have the touch when it comes to making a man feel important so summon up all your skills that were in you before and dont give up. Good luck.
[deleted]
7th May 2020 10:33:10 (Last activity: 7th May 2020 15:15:50)
1
Thanks for voting!
[deleted]
Response from silveroctopus Original Poster made on 7th May 2020 15:15:50
I tried to get him to sit down for a coffee but he was in a bad mood and said "I don't think so". Someone has damaged him in the past I'm certain. I suspect it was his family. He has had many fathers and mothers, step siblings etc. He does lack confidence and likes to be praised a lot. He hides away when photos are taken and tends to avoid getting close to people emotionally. I think he does this to avoid getting hurt.

I agree men always say women are hard to understand but men can give us a run for our money as well.
CaroleAH
6th May 2020 23:59:38 (Last activity: 7th May 2020 15:02:59)
1
Thanks for voting!
To be honest, Silveroctopus, this man sounds creepy and a control freak! You say that he asks for information about your life but is unwilling to share information about himself and you also say that he talks about you - to whom and what is he saying? Why would he want to know if you visit your husband;s grave - that is such an odd question. I would definitely be giving him a wide berth and avoiding any one to one conversations. I'm not sure if he is shy - he sounds more like a person who thinks if he knows all about you, and you know next to nothing about him, then he has the upper hand in any friendship/future relationship. What do your colleagues think?
Response from silveroctopus Original Poster made on 7th May 2020 08:17:42
My colleagues say that he is an intensely private person and they don't know much about him. He seems to have had a really awful upbringing. He talks about me to other colleagues in other departments about my past job because it shows I have degrees in a few subjects and this is unusual for a person at our place or he talks about funny happenings at work involving me. I don't know why he asked about my husbands grave. It sort of threw me a bit too. Maybe, he thinks I should be in black and permanently in mourning. I'm quite quiet at work and just get on with my job. The lockdown has given me chance to think about the situation and I agree with you. When I go back to work I'll keep busy and away from him. The only thing is he seems to always know where I am at any time and I haven't worked out how he does it as my workplace is a vast area. I tried to 'hide' away on a task once to purposely avoid him and within a few minutes he popped up like a meercat. He seems friendly enough but he is very old fashioned in his ways. He is very protective of me and makes sure I'm safe. However, I agree it is a bit odd. I wanted to be sure it wasn't me making a mountain out of a molehill! Thanks
Response from CaroleAH made on 7th May 2020 12:07:27 > @silveroctopus
I certainly don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you do do as Yodama suggests and go for a coffee with this chap I would make sure that the venue is busy and that you don't let him know where you live otherwise he could be turning up out of the blue and start stalking you at home as well as at work. You say that he is very protective of you so he may be a genuinely nice man, quite out of his depth in dealing with the opposite sex, but control freaks can initially come across as kind and caring until they have your trust and then they want to know what you are doing and where you are for every minute of your life.
Take care, Silveroctopus, and keep in touch either on this open forum or in private chat. Carole
Response from silveroctopus Original Poster made on 7th May 2020 15:02:59 > @CaroleAH
thanks CaroleAH - I can see now what may be happening. I'll keep in touch especially from my safety angle. I haven't come across control freaks before. I guess I've been lucky up to now. Thanks for enlightening me. I'll tread carefully.

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