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Relationship break downs

Family wars often result in the grandparent-grandchild relationship being fractured. This can be enormously upsetting as well as disruptive for the children involved, it’s also worryingly common. What experience have you had of this?


Created By on 18/07/2014

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donnie_58
7th May 2016 21:27:40
0
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Bare with me my experience is gonna take some writing. The history between myself and daughter has always been fractious but I've always stood by her and helped out when I can which was usually financially. I will not bore you with history of how what's occurred has come about so I'll just start from Feb 2012.

My daughter and her 2 daughters (my Granddaughters) came to live with us after a relationship break down to hopefully get a new start and since we lived about 250 miles apart was ideal. In October 2012 we had to ask her to leave since we was raising the children and she was behaving like a single woman. The girls stayed with us and I told her to get sorted with accommodation then we will help sort her house out so her and her daughters can be together again. Within the month she was in a relationship and pregnant with her 3rd child from a 3rd man so I was not happy. I didn't like the set up and knowing she would not cope being pregnant and looking after 2 girls told her to see the girls as much as she wants and wait till she gives birth,

Her visits were sporadic to say the least and the longest spell without seeing them was just short of 1 YEAR yes 1 year.

The oldest girls father became aware of the situation with his parents (her paternal Grandparents) and she ended up going to live with them which since we had no parental responsibility and Social Services agreed we had no choice. After this we wanted to safeguard the youngest since my daughter can be ill tempered and only thinks of herself. We have known her smack the eldest and shout at her and we didn't want this plus the mental cruelty she pours on to them be done to her.

We went to court to obtain a Residency Order and even a SGO and after about 3 years the courts with the assistance of Social Services gave custody of my bright, clean, happy and intelligent Granddaughter to her Mother with us having access every 2 weeks. This was granted because they couldn't prove any ill treatment had occurred even though it was documented via her home towns Social Services and of course anything we said was ignored and because at the time of her being spoken to (age 4) she was not considered to know her own mind.

I phone her every 2 days for a chat (she's nearly 5) and she always cries and wants to come home to us. We have her this weekend and the house was full with all her friends and a surprise visit from her dad who travelled for 6 and a half hours by car to see her and when he said he had to go because he's got to go to work she cried. SHE NEVER CRIES FOR HER MOTHER.

So I ask the community why does the powers that be have the right to put a child into an unsafe environment that she doesn't want to be in and hates and take her away from the people that love her the most in the world and who have raised her since she was 8 months old! to be put back to her mother whose sole consideration is how much CTC & CBen she gets and her partner who she doesn't like as he's always shouting and their new son who takes priority over her and his other daughter when she visits.

Sorry for its length but it's more complicated than that and this is the condensed version. To be blunt we do not trust my Daughter or her Partner with my Granddaughter and afraid something may happen to her which we mentioned after the court case to the Social Workers their answer was "You got our number or call childline" so she has to be physically hurt before anyone will do anything!

One very unhappy Grandparent.
Response from Christinalivingston66 made on 3rd Feb 2019 05:33:44
Oh sweet friend...hang in there...keep trying..those babies obviously need you in their lives!!
Mary Jessica
26th Jan 2019 07:05:30 (Last activity: 3rd Feb 2019 05:29:39)
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I was close to my grandson 5 years ago. My son met and married a young lady and his relationship with me became more than distant. It seemed like he didn't like anything about me. That I can live with but the immediate refusal of me stopping by on Easter (about 5 years ago) surprised me. His sudden change I still can't understand. They seem to not care that my now 12 year old grandson wishes to see me. Today is my birthday weekend. I just feel stunned that for 5 years I kept thinking that if I'm patient and understanding they will allow me to visit my grandson without being rude to me.
My son texts me and asks if I can stop by to visit only when his wife is at work. He works nights. She works days. I just don't understand why when she is home he buries his head in the phone and clearly doesn't want me in his home. This wouldn't bother me but for the fact that my grandson also texts me and says he misses me. And is looking forward to seeing me on the weekends he is with his dad and step mom.

I end up crying into the night and feeling very badly for my grandson. His father works tonight and tomorrow into the morning. I don't understand why I felt afraid to ask if I could see my grandson while his dad is at work. His step mom has an 18 month old baby and I would love to visit them as well.
But know ing the answer would be NO, with eye rolling and attitude I just stayed quiet. When the pizza delivery guy dropped off their pizza I let myself out in a polite manner.

When I got to my car I wept all the way home. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel this way?

Before my son met this young lady he would allow me to take my grandson for an entire day. I took him to wave parks, and for walks, and lunches out, even movies and bowling.

Once he met this person almost all visits with my grandson were denied. The child suffers. And I struggle with not knowing the best thing to do for this wonderful 12 year old boy.

Ive thought about moving out of Va to Md because I feel that perhaps this is happening because I live to close. When my son bought his house one of her parents moved in and helped him with his mortgage. At The same time my son asked me to move closer to their new home. I did this and I've regretted the 2 years that I've lived only 20 minutes away. I feel like if I lived farther away he might be less uptight.

At this point I've dealt with his wife's silliness.
One day about a year ago she told my son that I gave her a mean look. I wasn't able to see my grandson for 6 months. I would be crazy to give her a mean look. I would not do anything stupid to give her a reason not to let me visit. Are any other grandparents experiencing this and watching their grandkids grow up from a distance.

I tried to prepare my grandson and explained to him that I was thinking about moving to Md where a lot of my old friends live but he became very sad and asked me to stay close by. I was surprised at his reaction. He hides his feelings when my son's wife is around. He seems afraid to upset her. So what I thought was normal detachment from me was just him hiding his feelings of happiness when I stop by.
I always ask first before a visit and I make sure my visits are short. What else can I do to make this easier for my grandson?

I have no hope to be close to my younger grandson. When my son placed him in my arms a few weeks ago, at a soccer game, his wife snatched him away from me. This was embarrassing because we were watching my older grandson playing defense and I were standing in front of the bleachers.

The other parents and family members saw her snatch the baby from me. I am guessing she was in the bathroom when my son handed me their baby. And I guess when she saw me holding him, it struck a nerve.

But I can't imagine why. I know she gets jealous when my son gives his eldest son attention but I am just a gramma. There's nothing to be jealous of because I'm not there much and I don't want my son's attention. I just want to visit my grandson and love him.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm worried about my grandson and I have given up ever being close to the baby.

I feel alone with these thoughts of sadness. I live alone and don't date. I have a little dog that I'm curling up with now. I don't know what I would do without the comfort of my sweet little dog.
Response from Christinalivingston66 made on 3rd Feb 2019 05:29:39
Totally normal response. Adult children I believe are doing a disservice to their children when they isolate grandparents away. It's sad. My grandparents were a HUGE influence on me and my up bringing. They sure loved me and I sure knew it. Great memories. Ties that bind. My boys loved their grands, too. I want to shake them and say, "clue in!"
Christinalivingston66
13th Mar 2016 22:56:51 (Last activity: 3rd Feb 2019 05:22:45)
1
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Grandparent of two. Girl is four. Boy is one. I've never seen the boy and it's been three years since I've seen the girl. My own case of drama has driven away my son and his family. I'm coming to accept they will never be a part of my life. But, since the day they walked out something has died inside. I no longer socialize and I have withdrawn from all family contact. I used to be a very compassionate and giving person. Now I just want to be left alone. Searching for meaning.
Response from Waikikigirl made on 27th Jan 2017 23:39:09
We are grandparents to one boy, but due to attitude of his partner(I hate that word) influencing our son he has changed from being close to us, now we can't talk to him, everything wrong is our fault, even the baby gifts we send are critized. Sad state of affairs but what to do? We can see no solution so we get on with our lives, life is too short to have unnecessary stress at our age.
Response from Yogafan made on 2nd Feb 2019 20:03:38
really sorry to read these sad posts.I've been a victim myself.My daughter met her partner 12 yrs ago.They now have 4 children.When the first was born (A grandaughter)we were of course thrilled.Her partner has always been quite a difficult stressy type of person though.When our GD was around 1,they asked if we could babysit for a week as they wanted to go on holiday alone.They did'nt live near us,so unfortunately our GD hardly knew us.We declined on principle that (1)we'd have to take annual leave ourselves to babysit and (2)More importantly we did'nt feel comfortable knowing our GD might be distressed with her parents,and staying with us who she hardly knew.
We were then written off for 2 yrs.No word,calls,nothing.We had no idea how our GD was doing,and in that time,my daughter had another baby (another girl)and we did'nt get to see her until she was 18mths old.Our daughter made amends,and I just hope and pray it never happens again.The heartache it caused us was beyond words.I had days where I did'nt want to get out of bed,became unsociable,and felt very sad all the time.
Response from Christinalivingston66 made on 3rd Feb 2019 05:22:45
Oh I get it!! My son will not let me gift at all. There are 3 grands now. Last Christmas I met the 2 yr old. Out of the blue our son came for a visit and brought his little boy. What a joy..bitter sweet tho..he never told him who we were.
But, ......we've been invited to the 3rd babies baptism!!! After 7 years of silence..POW!
Holding my breath...had gotten to where I felt like I had no meaning. Couldn't even feel joy..really couldn't feel anything..just wanted to hide in my house. Got some much needed counseling. 3 years of work...but the sun is starting to shine..I'm not counting on the baptism to be more than..here watch this, now leave. I'm prepared for that. Honestly, its be easier at this point to not be involved. I've kinda found myself. I dont NEED them to survive now. Nervous about the whole issue coming up. I know it could set me back...but I'm not afraid anymore..nervous but not afraid. The sun will shine tomorrow, too.
Marie63
2nd Jul 2017 18:12:19
1
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I'm very lucky, my son and daughter in law split up 3 years ago, my son's in the army so when he comes home on leave that is his access time to his daughter and they both stay with me so I see her lots, I also see her when her dad's away, I only have to ask.
Milliesmum
7th May 2016 22:19:32
1
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Oh I feel so sorry for you. As grandparents you are in such a bad place and can't risk losing all contact with your grandchildren. I suppose all you can do is continue to keep in contact as best you can and hope the situation improves over time.
JJ1952
24th Mar 2016 18:53:20
1
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I broke up with my daughter and grandchildren for over six years when my daughter married her second husband. Unbeknown to me at the time my daughters new mother-in-law was stirring trouble, she was telling my daughter that I thought more of my son and daughter in law than I did of her. It became really nasty whereby my daughter was blaming me for everything that had gone wrong in her life. It got to the stage that everytime I spoke to her I would end up in tears. My husband, my daughters step-father then stepped in and said enough was enough. I had to walk away I said to her I would never close the door on her, the door would always be open. I never spoke to her or saw her family for six years. The one day I received a message from her on facebook and we began talking, not alot at first but it grew. I then found out what had happened with her new mother in law and what was going on. It has taken until now to get close again to my daughter. It broke my heart at the time when it happened but I insisted I would never close the door on her it was her decision.
Janeyjay
4th Mar 2016 05:17:26
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We have had huge arguments with our younger daughter since she turned 18 and she's 43 now, with 4 of her own. We visited and saw first born grandson till he was about a yr old then wham! the accusations came out of the blue. We were then told not to visit anymore, next thing we knew, she was pregnant again and moved away suddenly. He was over 3 before we saw him and his twin brother and sister siblings. The arguments still flew, they slowly moved house, further and further away. We were talking then arguments then talking then arguments....... They told their mum they were sick of the phone arguments we had, often, sadly. Sick and upset at seeing her upset and crying afterwards, so They decided they didn't want to see us again. I've Tried n tried endlessly over the years to sort things out, but all we got was abuse, ( older 3 are 18 and 16, the 4th, the youngest, a girl, is nearly 8) She adored us and us her. I miss her desperately. It's a total family breakdown, affecting my already fragile mental illness, as well as my chronic physical pains. Now? Well, hubby and I have slowly and painfully Finally realised it'll NEVER get better. Too much has been said, and done. Our and our older daughter's hearts are irreparably broken, shattered. Utterly.
Janeyjay
4th Mar 2016 04:52:30
1
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We don't have a good relationship with our younger daughter, so we Never see her or her 4 kids at all. They won't talk to us either, and it breaks our heart. We've been unfairly accused of all sorts of stuff, she seldom if ever contacts her older sister, who has the 2 younger grandkids. We have a great relationship with her though and see her and her husband and the children very often, which is Great, thankfully.
margt
21st Aug 2014 16:04:20 (Last activity: 11th Jan 2016 20:04:01)
0
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We are going through this with a family member.We try not to get involved but to just listen. I think maybe we all have different opinions and though we think our opinion is the right one we may be wrong. So to possibly be an observer may be the way. As long as there is no ill treatment of a child of course.






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Family wars often result in the grandparent-grandchild relationship being fractured. This can be enormously upsetting as well as disruptive for the children involved, it's also worryingly common. What experience have you had of this?
Response from janey25 made on 10th Jan 2016 09:08:27
Me and my husband where looking after grandaughter for four days a week from the age of nine months she will be three next month.Told daughter that we need to cut down to two days now as its to tiring doin four days now.She hurled abuse at us saying we only think about ourselves,shed just had a new car and now it was our fault she had gotta pay for more nursery days we were so upset after all we had done for her and son in law.More upsetting was that my son rang and also was nasty to me.I do not see my granddaughter at all now as they wont communicate with us.Im just feeling so low at the moment and don't know what to do.
Response from zim made on 11th Jan 2016 20:04:01
I have been through this myself with my daughter through her selfishness, it broke my heart not seeing my two young grandchildren and I cried every day.
They were young but of school age so sometimes I would go to the playground and watch them play I would also put a photo of me with them in my bag to show anyone who became suspicious of me, as soon as they saw me they would run over calling me nanny so obviously that was also proof of who I was.
It wasn't much but knowing I could see them and talk to them eased my pain a little, obviously I was lucky as they lived not to far away.
But it is heartbreaking knowing your own child has that power over you and can hurt you so deeply.
[deleted]
13th Jan 2015 14:59:34 (Last activity: 10th Jan 2016 09:25:12)
1
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[deleted]
Response from Fruitcake13 made on 25th Sep 2015 17:10:53
I'm in a similar situation. My daughter assumed (without discussing it with me) that I would automatically look after her two children while she worked. I live an hour and a half's drive away (so a three hour round trip) and have mobility issues. When I said it wasn't possible, except in an emergency, she threw a tantrum and hasn't spoken to me since. That was several years ago. She has neither spoken to me nor contacted me in any way since. I don't even warrant a Christmas card. I have continued to send birthday/Easter/Christmas cards and money for the children but these are not even acknowledged now. Your last sentence sums up exactly how I feel too.
Response from Fruitcake13 made on 25th Oct 2015 18:28:27
Hello daydreams, only just found your reply, sorry. I've carried on sending money, cards etc to the children so that they know I still exist. They are totally innocent in this situation and I don't see why they should miss out because of their parents' bad behaviour, also at least it reminds them that they do have another Grandmother.
I think there are probably lots of Grandparents in this situation, and, yes, maybe we should form a club!
Response from janey25 made on 10th Jan 2016 09:25:12
I was looking after my granddaughter from nine months old she will be three in Feb for four days a week ten hours a day.Told daughter that will have to cut down to two days as I am having health issues and its getting to much.The amount of abuse from her was so upsetting saying we only thought about ourselves and that it was our fault she had bought a new car and was now having to find money for nursery.ao she has now cut all contact I'm so upset.

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