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Scared and Lonely

I'd like to blame lockdown for feeling lonely, but sadly it is not the case. But it has emphasised just how bad I feel, and how I have coped and masked my loneliness in the past.

I am 55 years old, married and have three adult children and soon to be three grandchildren. I have built my life around my family. My happiest times are when my girls come round, and we share a laugh, or go out together. However, that happens so rarely.

More often than not, I now feel on edge and wary when the children come around after a few arguments. Pre lockdown I had been in a choir for a year or so. It was a really good year. But I joined choir for the social side, not the singing, and it just is not the same online.

So I find myself feeling sad, bored and lonely quite a bit lately. I know things have to change, and I start to think about what I can do to change things. But come back full circle as life is so limiting at the moment.

So I thought maybe if I could at least chat to people that might here I am.

Created By on 24/08/2020

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28th Dec 2020 17:19:19 (Last activity: 21st Feb 2021 14:02:29)
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I'm brand new here....I'm a 67 year old female, widowed....2 married daughters....5 young granddaughters..
You sound like how I feel....I would love to chat with you....
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 28th Dec 2020 18:12:12
Hi RhoB,

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If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

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Response from bcesar19 made on 21st Feb 2021 14:02:29
Hi Rhonda,
I am new here, I love this site and I would love to make friend with you. Bernard
14th Jan 2021 18:39:44 (Last activity: 2nd Feb 2021 10:01:59)
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I totally understand how you feel, BTP It seems like such a natural and wonderful thing to do to build your life around your family, but sadly, as they grow up and start to lead their own lives, you inevitably feel left behind. This happened to me too. The best thing you can do is to find new interests for yourself. Choose the interest first and then the social side will follow. Of course that's not easy with COVID in the background, but now that the vaccines are being rolled out we can start to look ahead to better days. Do you like walking? Cooking? Reading? Dancing? Crafts? Are you religious? Would you like to learn something new? Do you know MeetUp? It's a bit of a big and unweildy website but you can find groups local to you for just about everything!! Or just type in your interest and your location online and see what comes up! Once you start to find a life of your own, your kids will likely find it easier to spend time with you too. More to talk about. Less guilt. Show them what you're made of. More importantly, show yourself!! Sending courage and positivity your way. xx
Response from cloud made on 23rd Jan 2021 22:46:25
I spend most of my time watching tv, cooking, i'm quite sad all the time, kids all grown up, very busy with their lives, I'm retired, i wish i could go out and work, but i never know what the day will bring. I'm still on a cancer treatment, one day ok, next day not so good, its been like that for years, I'm not me anymore, i was always a happy person, sense of humor gone, joy gone, i have no feelings anymore since i woke up after my opertation. That was almost 9 years ago, I always wonder why I'm here. cloud
Response from PurpleHat made on 2nd Feb 2021 10:01:59 > @cloud
Oh Cloud, your sadness came through to me! I lost my dear one 20 years ago after almost 50 years. The last thing he told me was not to mope and I have tried to live up to that. I think he would be pleased with me!
You are here and that is what matters! You can make a difference to your own life and others. try to stop looking inside and look out instead. The sky is still there, plants and flowers are still there, the love of all creatures and places. You will have to practice, but look outside again please!!!
2nd Feb 2021 03:59:02 (Last activity: 2nd Feb 2021 08:08:30)
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Hi, I know how you feel. I've never had children and built my entire self around my husband. We had a good life together....we worked together...did most everything together. On March 17, 2017, I lost him to cancer. Now I am lost.....completely lost. I went to a few Hospice meetings but found that they only made me feel even more sad and alone. I need someone to chat with.

Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 2nd Feb 2021 08:08:30
Hi GeoLin2017,

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30th Jan 2021 21:05:23
Thanks for voting!
Just reaching out to say hello.
Like you I built my life around my children and now they are flying the nest and I am left alone.
So here we are and about to start this next phase of our lives.
I love the idea of a choir! It’s something I would love to do.

I see you original post is from back in August? Are you still on the boards?
7th Oct 2020 09:31:18 (Last activity: 27th Nov 2020 15:07:49)
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Hello everyone. It is difficult for me to deal with all the hatred going on in the world. I worked all my life creating an environment for many people all over the world. Now, I question myself why. So I kind of shut myself off from everyone and is very disappointed.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 7th Oct 2020 09:39:47
Hi RFam,

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Response from RFam made on 7th Oct 2020 10:00:24 > @Sally - Silversurfer's Editor
Thank you
Response from cloud made on 29th Oct 2020 19:32:06 > @RFam
I understand how you feel, its so hard to understand whats going on, how to deal with it, i am 67 years old and i'm not use to bringing a bag in the stores only carrying them out lol , this covid that happen, is unbelieveable. I feel sad most of the time, my kids don,t visit very much anymore,they are afraid of getting me sick, i had cancer, 2 more years on a treatments, I have my little dog to keep me back if you want too be safe cloud
Response from Laurel24 made on 27th Nov 2020 15:07:49
I have a little dog, too! It’s me and him against the world!! Love to chat.
10th Nov 2020 07:52:35 (Last activity: 27th Nov 2020 15:05:17)
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Hi BDP. We seem to share some similar life patterns, so I wanted to reach out and let you know that there are others dealing with these issues. Like you, I’d been struggling with depression for a bit before the COVID pandemic to the world by storm.

In my case, I’m taking care of my folks who are well into their 80s, so my outings have to be short and very much to the point. This does not leave room to socialize with others. I love my folks, but I do confess that the extended periods of isolation have helped to exacerbate feelings of loneliness and aimlessness.

So, I put it out there; if you ever feel like chatting to a similarly challenged individual, well I’d like that a great deal. Best wishes.
Response from Laurel24 made on 27th Nov 2020 15:05:17
I’d be happy to chat anytime. Thank you.
4th Sep 2020 19:06:45 (Last activity: 7th Oct 2020 09:57:13)
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Hey BTP - Wow you struck a chord. Its funny how we build our lives around our family. I am 59 years young and have one adult son. I will soon be a grandmother. But they live in another state and I suddenly find myself adrift and lonely. I have worked all my life and hope to retire soon. Where are you? would love to chat.

Response from RFam made on 7th Oct 2020 09:57:13
Hello Minaree
I read your post and I truly understand how you feel. However, I was the one that was separated from my family for over thirty years because of my chosen profession. I lived in several Asian and European countries. I just relocated back to the states to help my parents because they are in the late stages of their life. I never realize the importance of family connection. I was always an adventurer and I wanted to do great things. Well I accomplish everything I wanted to do in life, but I missed so many things with my immediate family. Just wanted you to know that now that you are 59 or lets say you are a fantastic 30 year old with 29 years experience, you do not have to be lonely. There are a lot of possibilities to and including traveling. I find that now I can do almost anything that I did thirty years ago but a lot smarter this time around. Love to chat with you in the future.

7th Sep 2020 11:10:54 (Last activity: 7th Oct 2020 09:39:27)
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Not been available for a few days, I have been busy cutting lawns, digging boarders, rose beds etc in garden. Then house work, washing, ironing, etc the list goes on, just feel I have no time for myself. I must admit I did go to have my hair coloured & cut, but still feeling low. It's just the four walls & the garden I am getting fed up of. None of my friends have bothered, they are worried as I am a Widow so single again that there Husbands may stray ( that as really made me feel good, NOT) . I see my family some days, but once 17-00 arrives its a lonely long evening & night by myself. I feel I want to escape & get out but I am not the type to go in a pub on my own or even be on my own. I was 24/7 with my late Husband, I was his carer for nearly 30 years, so never been by myself. I have had a few jobs in the garden done, new sheds, fence etc, then new garage roof & I had new roof on Bungalow but the 5 jobs I have had done have not been finished & the so called workmen have disappear, plus when I phone they say they will get in touch but don't. I feel a right mug as they have taken a lot of money off me. This as started to get me down, not having a man around to fight my battle is hard. I cry myself to sleep many a night & just lately do more crying through the day, it's not helping as it's getting closer to the 1st year of my late Husbands passing. I go to bed some night just feeling that I don't want to wake up, there is nothing to look forward to. I have my Bereavement meetings on zoom plus spoken to my gp, its not getting any easier, they say it does I have no faith in that. I do know I would not do anything, but I need to escape the four walls, but how when shy & not confident?
Response from RFam made on 7th Oct 2020 09:39:27
I am so sorry to hear what is going on. Please keep the faith, because things will get better. It is all about your perspective on life. Please be and think positive thoughts and soon that enriching glow you wants had will return. I will say a special prayer for you tonight.
1st Oct 2020 03:05:40
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BTP... It's been a coupla months since your post. How are you doing?
16th Sep 2020 05:28:06 (Last activity: 22nd Sep 2020 23:30:48)
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Hello. Have you found anyone to talk with? I just now joined, so I’m still trying to learn the ropes, so to speak.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 22nd Sep 2020 23:30:48
Hi there. I am coming on here intermittently. Its quite comforting to know real people are on here, reading stuff:) How are you finding the site so far?
15th Sep 2020 06:07:47 (Last activity: 15th Sep 2020 07:53:33)
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perhaps you can make a new friend in an online church or synagogue group.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 15th Sep 2020 07:53:33
Hi Scarsdale71,

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If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

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BTP Original Poster
4th Sep 2020 20:43:27
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Hi Minaree

Thank you for reaching out:) I am definitely feeling less lonely knowing there are people on here to talk to. I live in Stockport in the UK. Where are you? As you say state, I always assume it must be America or Canada? Its sad that your son lives in another state. My parents moved away when I had small children. I understand now that for them I had started my adult life and had a family of my own to get on with. But for me at the time I felt they had left me when I needed some support and help with the baby. But what doesn't break you makes you stronger, as they say:) What are you thinking of doing with retirement?
4th Sep 2020 15:31:33
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Hi Stupot
Reading your post, I can so resonate with you my partner passed away 2yrs ago I feel so lonely as I have shielded, my family grandchildren emigrated to Canada, have a daughter who is always too busy for a one to one chat always some excuse not too visit , she is 40 miles away ,
Thankfully I am making some nice friends whom I enjoy there company once a week for lunch,
it’s so isolating not using busses to be able to get out, another skill I have learnt is grocery shopping on line
When I received delivery I realised I have such a sweet tooth, what is known as a disaster putting it down to comfort eating dread to think how much weight I have put on.
My best friend is my cockatoo parrot she gives me such comfort her vocabulary is amazing , such great company she soon lets me know when I am out of routine . When I feel miserable she sits on my chest for a cuddle and makes kissing noises , makes up for what I have lost in life.
Take care everyone we can ride this storm, xx
4th Sep 2020 09:50:58 (Last activity: 4th Sep 2020 10:38:40)
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Lock down as been really bad for a lot of us, I found it really hard after the loss of my Husband in the October of 2019. I had family, Sisters etc, but due to shielding for 16 weeks I was pulling my hair out as I had no one in the home with me. This also made me feel quite depressed & not able to greave for my Husband the way I expected (having my Sisters hug me when I cryed etc). I still feel after 10 months that my greaf is still not getting any better even though I try each day to not cry, it's not easy. It did not help that I wanted my Mom & I could not have her as I was still greaving her loss from December 2018. I find reading your chats give me something to look forward to, but I find time is not always there, I am not just the house keeper doing daily jobs, but also the gardener, painter, window cleaner etc, it's not easy. I belive if I read your posts it helps me to understand I am not on my own feeling low, down, un loved etc & it as started to help. I don't know if reading this I have helped anyone, but I feel we can all come together with support for each other just trying to understand what others are going through. Thank you for reading my post x
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 4th Sep 2020 10:38:40
Good Morning Stupot
I'm glad reading the posts give you something to look forward to. It does me too. It has helped me to feel less alone, and that I am still connected to the outside world.
But tbh I know my situation has been nowhere near as bad as some peoples. We have locked down, both myself and husband. So I had someone with me. There were even aspects of it that I enjoyed. Its not often my husband and I have quality time together. He has a lot more going on outside of the house. He is also one of six children, so he always feels connected and a sense of belonging.
My Daughter 'ranaway' to Spain 14 years ago, and 3 years later returned home with a 6 month old baby. I never quite got over her leaving home the way she did, and not knowing if she was safe, or where she was for several months. Then however lovely it was to have a baby in the family, we had missed out on 6 months with him. My Daughter had very severe PND, and was trying to pick up some sort of life. We had them live with us for 6 months before supporting her to get her own place, We took on much of the 'parenting ' duties as she was depressed, and then she was out at college, or driving lessons, or seeing friends. We thought it important she be able to pick up a new life and wanted to support her.
So we formed a special bond with my grandson. Which over the years has then become problematic. My Daughter has become jealous, and bitter and very resentful. Culminating in an issue just after her baby girl was born a week before lockdown. She cut contact with me. It was clearly just me though. It was not until my husband and younger Daughter each eventually said they wouldn't be seeing her that she reached out to me. Again I had missed 5 months of my granddaughters life.
The tears were daily. I was fearful distress and distraught. I felt very alone, rejected and abandoned. I was shouting out, crying, and sobbing even in my sleep my husband told me. I felt I had lost a family of four.
There was no way I could have held those tears in. But I found a therapist, and my 'wish' I told her was to feel I could contain and control my emotions. She told me not to try that, but to let them out, accept and be compassionate with myself. She has shown me some techniques that I am finding really helpful to I am a bit more 'together'. They are using EFT techniques of tapping. If you are interested, youtube them. I'm very surprised, but they do work.
I hope your day goes ok. My hat goes off to you for managing to get through lockdown alone, and I am sending virtual hugs.
26th Aug 2020 15:29:21 (Last activity: 4th Sep 2020 10:17:52)
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Good afternoon and Hi,
I too am finding this lockdown a lonely time. I usually have a busy life working as a volunteer at my local Hospice in one of their shops. I do the book an haberdashery sections and love it. I retired here to Torquay just 10 years ago. Sadly our shops are not all open so i have missed being busy and the friends i have made there, we all get along very well. I also do aquafit at the Pool twice a week which is still closed so miss that too as we all have coffee after each session. I am married but my hubby and i really have seperate lives and i have always felt lonely during my marriage. We moved several times with his career so never stayed anywhere long enough to make friends and my hubby is not very sociable anyway. He goes out walking a lot but prefers to be alone and goes on holidays on his own. I have a son and daughter who live away so do not see them very often but we speak or email most weeks. I have no siblings or other family. This current situation has affected many people now it has gone on for so long. I am grateful i have a big garden but getting tired of just doing that. Hope you have a better week and take care.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 30th Aug 2020 10:02:00
Hi Susikins. It sounds like you have learnt to adjust to change and new situations, perhaps from having to move a bit with hubbys career. Its good that you can adjust and make new friends where you go. I do sense your loneliness, perhaps from leading separate lives with your hubby. Actually you sound a bit like me. I have no siblings. My parents live quite a way from me and are shielding. My hubby and I lead separate lives too. But I was really struck by you having separate holidays. How do you feel about that?
We are very different people with very different interests. The one thing we have in common is loving our family. He was one of 6 children, and I think that has helped him to not need family in the same way I do. I would describe myself as a homemaker, but nowadays I don't have anyone to make a home for. I struggle to make new friends. I have a couple of very good friends, which I feel very blessed with. But I know I need more interests and activities outside of the house, but the current situation is making it so hard.
With all your usual activities unavailable to you, how are you spending your time?
Thank you for taking the trouble to reply. I really appreciate seeing that people have read what I have written.
Response from susikins61 made on 30th Aug 2020 10:22:24 > @BTP
As you say adapting to new situations, this is what is what i find so difficult. I am a lively person, always had busy life with work and children. My hubby has always been career first, he is an only child who grew up on an isolated farm in the Yorkshire Dales and i think he learned just to like his own company, he often missed school as the weather can be vicious up on the Moors. He had a career spanning 46 years so that is why i do not begrudge him walking holidays, he will not consider anything else. He has been a member of Ramblers 44 years and is area secretary for the whole of Devon though he refuses to becomes a walks leader as too antisocial. I have suffered from incontinence since i had a hyerectomy in 1999 and it simply ended my quality of life. I have not been further than a couple of miles from my home since that time. I have found this difficult and frustrating. Doing my voluntary work at the Hospice Shop has saved my sanity, you meet such nice people and i am talking to shoppers all day long. We get a lot of tourists in Babbacombe where Rowcroft is . I miss my son and daughter in Bristol and London and desperately wish i could visit them. My daughter got married on 29th February just before lockdown so she was so lucky. The build up to the wedding at Bristol Museum nearly cased me to have a heart attack with worry. I just keep telling myself that there are people worse off than myself. I have several lovely friends i have had all my life since school and they email every week or we do Facetime once a month. They have been so supportive but i do so miss going on holiday with them, We had such plans after we all retired. I have a beautiful home by the sea and a lovely garden but i do like friends around too. When my hubby is away friends used to come a nd stay but this past 5 years they have all become grandparents and now childminders.That is when i really started to feel lonely, it is more common than people realise. I decided i needed to do something about it, a friends suggested i try this site.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 31st Aug 2020 11:05:25 > @susikins61
Hi Susikins. Oh my heart goes out to you. It seems like such a statement to say "simply ended my quality of life", and for so long. I am sure you will have been investigated for treatments, but it just seems unfathomable that you have had to contend with incontinence for so long. I can understand why you would feel anxious about going too far from home. But it also seems odd in this day and age to have someone have to modify how they live due to this issue.
I am glad you have such a supportive set of life long friends. But of course they have lives too.
I don't think we realise when we are younger how life choices will affect us later in life. My parents moved me away from my school when I was 13, so although I still continued to go to the school, it was two busses or two trains to get there. It also meant it inhibited my ability to see friends after school. At 14 I started seeing a boy, who I was with for 5 years. Looking back I think that was because I was looking for some stability. I got on really well with his family, and it gave me the sense of belonging I craved.
When that relationship ended, I met my husband on the rebound, and quickly became pregnant at 20. I had the stability I needed, but I was now in a marriage that wasn't right for me, and had a child. My parents were of the mind that I had made my bed, I had to lie in it. So two years later I had another baby, and accepted my life as it was.
35 years later I am still with my husband. We have ups and downs, but I learnt to love him. I don't believe he loves me, But we provide each other with companionship. That's as good as it gets. Anything else becomes less important as you get older anyway I think.
I think we learn to cut our cloth accordingly. As I think you have done with staying close to home, and I have done with my family and marriage. I sometimes wonder I am 'settling', will I regret one day not doing something to change my life.
You have learnt to accept your hubby needing to walk, and be alone. We all learn to accommodate and accept I guess.
I hope in both our cases we are not 'settling' 🙂
Response from susikins61 made on 31st Aug 2020 15:08:37 > @BTP
You sound very much like myself. I did marry for all the righ reason, i was truly, madly, deeply for 20 years. We moved several times with my husbands career and it was difficlt to settle and make friends. I missed my job as a Nurse so much but moving and finding childcare in rural areas was impossible, my husband is not a town dweller like myself and he convinced me to move to the country to Herefordshire. A beautiful county but rural villages were so unfriendly and parochial. We are not church people but i do have every respect for people who are and the village decided we were not suitable and heathens. Sadly we ended up staying 23 years as more promotions came for my hubby, i simply hated it but my children went to the lovliest village schools, they were 1 year and 4 years so really grew up there, had great friends so i put them first. I had no idea for many years that my hubby had a long affair with his PA. Said i was becoming miserable which i was because i hated not working and being at home. I did eventually get a job in a school as a classroom assistant but only for 3 years as our numbers dropped below 50 pupils. I then got a job in a bookshop which was great but i had wanted to do my midwifery training but could not find childcare or my husbands support in the evenings. My hubby eventually told me he had never loved me but was so desperate to get away from his mother. She was widdowed at 44. my hubby has just left school a few months earlier so was not really earning anything. His mum has never offered to work, ever and they do not get on at all. She is now 95 and still does not acknowledge me because i took her son away but really it his income she wanted not him i can certainly see that now. She is not an easy woman to like, her neighbours think she is dreadful and rings them all the time to do errands for her. She has always lived off other peoples generosity because we moved away. So my hubby apparently wanted a wife in the old fashioned sense, a housekeeper type, a woman who is very practicle which i am. I am brilliant at DIY and decorating, curtain making etc. Still i have made a beautiful home here in Torquay.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 31st Aug 2020 22:07:42 > @susikins61
Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children. Its so difficult to be part of a village, and not accepted. I have the same issue. Small village life, where so many here have grown up here and know one another, where I have only been here for 33 years. It was worse when we lived on a cul-de-sac and the kids were little. There were coffee mornings, which I would be invited to, and I'd go to, but once they had their gossip they lost interest. I found I turned the tables in the end. We moved then onto a better street, but I kept myself to myself.
How did you find out about your hubby's affair, and more importantly did you forgive him? did he want forgiveness? is it over? Some relationships are like the three legged stool. They need a third person to keep it going. Maybe yours is a bit like that, with either his Mother, or the affair. He never quite invests fully in you, and you find a way to cope with that!
Do you feel angry with him?
I get a lot of stick off my children, all adults now. They have all at some point brought about a crisis, unwittingly. in our marriage. My husband was in the police, and for most of their lives he worked shifts, and long hours. meaning that I could not work for a long time as childcare and family support was none existant. It was me, chief cook, bottle washer, taxi, gardener, decorator and scape goat who had to do everything with and for them. I resented my hubby for a long time.
I felt trapped and so unhappy. The kids picked that up, although I didn't realise until they were adults and had left home. One by one, they would return for a long stay, and it would be impossible to mask the 'nothingness' that existed in the house for a long period of time. They would leave and in the wake would be a crisis about how horrible I am. Their Dad is very passive aggressive, and conflict avoidant. They could do anything they wanted, and did, and he wouldn't say anything. But I did. So I copped for the flack.
Eventually the three children ganged up on me, and gave me a two hour tirade. It was awful. Since then my relationship with my son has been almost non existant, and not great with my older daughter. But with the youngest daughter, who had been opted to be their spokesperson, we are close. She feels so so bad still, and it was 4 years ago now.
But it did teach me that I can't hide things, how I feel, etc. I can't expect my children to love me, and bring me happiness. I can't expect to have the family I crave. I have to make my own happiness. I have to protect myself when necessary, even from my own family. And I can, most of the time, feel love and warm fuzzy feelings for my hubby, lol. I have learnt to accept him as he is. Whilst he has not been diagnosed, I believe he has Asperger's. So in many ways he is unable to offer, or be what I would like him to be.
We, together are doing what we should have done from the beginning, talk over issues as and when they occur, and listen to how the other feels. Its not easy, particularly when the kids are involved as I often feel left out. He puts them first, and shows them love, but not me. But jealousy is my problem, not his. He is happy if i'm doing things with the kids. I have to learn still that love is not necessarily something that is in short supply, and it can be allowed to enter your heart even if you didn't start of that way.
I am still learning all this by the way. And honestly it is true, the greatest learning comes from the hardest lessons, and the most painful.
But I wanted to also say to you I feel for you. But don't give up on your own happiness. X
Response from susikins61 made on 1st Sep 2020 08:34:02 > @BTP
This is amazing, i have thought my hubby has Aspergers for over 20 years and that is why he has issues with lack of feeling for people. His mum started to come and stay with us when we retired here to Torquay, she would stay for a couple of months, i gave up trying to please her a long time ago and she is very old now and i am a very kind person, even my hubby says that. He used to disappear out walking most days and leave me to entertain his mum as they would quickly fall out, i found it so tiring. But his mum has chatted to me more in the last 5 years than in the previous 40 years. Said my hubby did not like school and never had friends, he did not mix with other children even when he was little. I assumed missing school a lot in the winter months did not help as their farm used to get cut off with snow. My hubby is very clever, now has 3 degrees and enjoys academia. When we decided to get married he could not think who to ask to be his best man as he did not have a friend. I have no idea why i fell in love with him but i did. I think i just wanted to be married like all my friends as i was 27 and that was old in those days. It sound pathetic to me now. My daughter is fiercely independent and has recently married as i mentioned but has not taken her new hubbys name. Partly as it is so expensive to change names on her medical certificates as she is a Doctor. She says her female colleagues have all done the same. The children are well aware i was unhappy when we lived in Herefordshire but no idea why and they know their dad is not emotional or loving. My daughter is not romantic at all. I will never forgive my hubby, ever. the trust has gone. When he confessed my children were doing their GCSE and A levels so not a good time to argue or leave. I needed his income for University Fees, so again my children came first.
Response from JoannieF59 made on 1st Sep 2020 08:58:41
Oh susukins your situation sounds awful. I split with my husband when my boys were teenagers and we are now the best of friends. it must be very stressful living with a person who doesn't speak to you or want to do anything with you. Must be very lonely for you.
My son's wife hasn't changed her name either, I think very few young couples do now. I think with small villages everybody grew up there and know each other and they don't like outsiders. I remember when we moved to this village we were considered outsiders. I have been here 30 years and get on with most people and seem to be accepted but not really involved in village life. Maybe that is my own fault. i work all week and then leave the village to meet my friends. Used to have friends in the village but they moved away.
Response from susikins61 made on 1st Sep 2020 09:50:19 > @JoannieF59
thankyou and lovely to chat. Amazing how many of us are in simialr situation. Life i suppose is what you make of it but moving several times with my hubbys career made it difficult for me to get mine on track as constantly trying to find childcare and jobs. I never earned enough to leave and my children at the time were at superb schools so i dare not move them. Living in small villages every time as my hubby grew up on a farm and will not live anywhere but rural. He was not sure if he would move to Torquay with me but i was determined to have my choice this time and i did not care if he came with me or not. We acutally talk more now as he is almost 70 and seems more relaxed these days as long as he gets fed and watered regularly and i do not interfer walking holidays. Doing my voluntary work has been a lifesaver. Since i had a hysterectomy sadly it has left me incontinent which has made life truly difficult for me. Still we must be grateful for what we have and haved survived this awful covid crisis which i fear is far from over yet.
Response from JoannieF59 made on 1st Sep 2020 14:15:34 > @susikins61
Torquay is a lovely place I went there for a weekend a few years ago and enjoyed it. Maybe he has mellowed in his old age. it is hard when you are depended on another person. I am glad I went back to work when the kids started school and became financially independent as when I got divorced I was able to manage.
I don't mind small villages as long as they are close to towns, although I used to be a city girl. I love London although not sure I would want to live there. Not that I could afford it anyway.
I hope this virus and lockdown ends soon so I can get back to work as fed up working at home. Also fed up queuing.
Response from susikins61 made on 1st Sep 2020 17:55:13 > @JoannieF59
I did try desperately to return to work as a Nurse but shift work and no support was impossible. My son was 4 months old when we moved to rural Herefordshire. There were no nursery for my 3 year old daughter and no childcare at all. I gave up hoping i could do my midwifery training as shift work again, I ended up fruit picking and daffodil sorting like you do living in the country. Earning peanuts. I was offered night duty but my hubby refused to help as his days at the office were often quite long and he is not into children at all. He did make it clear if i had children they were mine to look after, i never saw this coming at all. By the time i was really unhappy my children were 16 and 14 and by then my daughter had made her mind up about studying Medicine and becoming a Doctor. I was so proud. Coming from a yorkshire pit mining background i was determined my children would have all the choices in life they could but i needed my hubbys high income by then. At University interviews and mingling i realised we were being vetted as parents. They need to know that parents can afford the long haul for the most expensive courses which are medicine, dentistry and vets. Student loans go no way to support these long courses and they cannot get jobs as my daughters first year was 45 study hours of Anatomy and Physiology per week. They start shift patterns on the wards in year 2 now. Then i understood why these 3 professions are more associated with private school kids and middle class high income earner parents. I was determined my daughter would have the same chances in life. We have supported her financially for 13 years, until she qualified 5 years ago. I could not have done this as a single mum and she would never have been offered a place. My son did five years just as the fees went up so we had 2 studying together. I did eventuall work as a classroom assistant but only part time as a very small school of 39 pupils. The job was lovely but sadly when the numbers at the school fell even more they could not pay me any more so i stayed on for a year as a volunteer as i felt i was letting the children down. Then i got a job in a bookshop but only 10 hours a week but i loved it. As i say i never earned enough to leave and did not know where to go. My children would never have become so sucessful if i had made them leave their brilliant little schools. I wanted to work as much for myself as a person, have some pride and dignity and a pension would have been a bonus.
Response from JoannieF59 made on 1st Sep 2020 19:56:59
You must be very proud of the children and how well they have done. I hope they are grateful to you for all the sacrifices you made for them. I know how expensive university is, both mine went but thankfully at different times.
I was lucky mine both started school at 3 and I had a neighbour who looked after them after school. It is really hard when you have no family to support you when your kids are little.
My big regret about getting divorced is that now the kids have grown up we have the time and money where we should be enjoying ourselves but it was not to be.
Hopefully your volunteering wills tart up again soon and things wills tart getting back to normal for all of us.
Response from susikins61 made on 2nd Sep 2020 10:30:37 > @JoannieF59
My lovely children have no idea at all how much i have sacrificed, i have kept so quiet about it all. Although children do pick up on things more than we realise. Both mine knew i was unhappy, my daughter once found me crying in the bedroom and as they got older i think they knew something was not right. They both knew i was upset about loosing my career and i hated being at home more than i had planned. They know their dad is a bit of an oddball and anti-social but he has come into his own now which makes me just a little jealous. I had all the hard work of bringing them up almost on my own as he does not really like children and now he has an excellent relationship with them as adults which i am so pleased about. He acts as PA and Taxman for both of them. He is an academic and so are they and i am the one now who feels left out. My daughter asked me once if it bothered me that i am the only one in the house without 2 degrees, not even one degree. I did once look at doing an open university degree but the travelling 60 miles into Birmingham for some meeting put me off. I do not think i am clever enough as i certainly would not cope with Nursing and the NHS today, my daughter says i would have a breakdown. When i started Nursing they asked if i was good and kind and understood the importance of cleanliness. This was in 1971. The NHS has changed beyond recognition but we have certainly appreciated its benefits this year have we not.
Response from JoannieF59 made on 2nd Sep 2020 11:43:19
I trained as an SEN nurse in 1976 and it was all so easy them, was all about caring and working hard. It wasn't for me so I left did lots of different jobs before returning to university at aged 23, worked 3 jobs whilst doing my degree. I then got married had my children and went and did a post graduate course got a job and in my 50s did my masters. I wouldn't say I am particularly bright but work hard.
Trouble with nurses today they get the degree and don't want to do the caring and the hard graft. I don't think a degree makes people any better from those who don't. I know lots of people without them that are much more intelligent than me. Don't put yourself down.
Response from susikins61 made on 2nd Sep 2020 12:41:24 > @JoannieF59
Thankyou, you are absolutely right. I am a good person with a good brain. I am so used to my hubby putting me down, he does it with other people i notice, not sure he realises. He was the big CEO at work and had to deal with 244 staff so i suppose he developed his own persona as it were. When he first retired i used to tell him off for treating and talking to me like i was one of his staff, he still does not get it. For the first 10 years we were married his mum called me the low life from the council estate. I hardly met her before we married but i knew from people in the village no one liked her at all and the local butcher told me i was a brave lass for taking her on as my mother-inlaw. I call her Hyacinth so that gives you an idea what she is like except she is not amusing in any way. I was never bothered by her comments. She has put me down ever since but i have always simply ignored her. Now she is 95 we are civil to each other but nothing more. In the 50's, 60's and 70's most people lived in council houses, the only person who owned their own house when i was growing up was the local GP. Even my teachers at school lived on our estate. My parents taught me that whether people live in a council house or a castle it is good manners , being thoughtful and thinking of others that matters and i still hold by that. My children have lovely manners, i am proud of that. In some ways my hubby did not stand a chance, his father i understand was an awful man, used to lock my mum-in-law in the house when he went to work so that his dinner was always on the table on time he used to tell her. He sadly was killed in a farming accident 53 years ago . He hated children so there were never any more, i think he hated women actually but farmers need a wife and she was the eldest daughter of the neighbouring farmer so an arrangement was made. My mum-in=law knew she would marry on her 21st birthday. But she saw that as better than staying at home as a slave to her father and 7 brothers, spending her days cleaning and baking. She has not missed him one bit at all she told me. Said she would never marry again but made it clear it was my hubbys job to take care of her financially. No idea why she has never offered to work, something my hubby resents her for. Families as they say, what can we do. Mine are lovely. My mum was one of 16, only 12 survived but i have nothing but happy memories about my childhood. I lost my mum in 2015 aged 98 and i miss her every day.
Response from JoannieF59 made on 2nd Sep 2020 15:29:53
You have had a tough time of it. I grew up in a council house until my parents were able to buy it off the council. My parents were working class. My ex was privately educated and only child and his parents although divorced weren't happy he was marrying me as they felt he was marrying beneath him although they were always nice to my face. However, since divorce I get on really well with his mum and her partner, his dad is dead.
I have never felt inferior to him and think we are all equal, rich or poor and think it is how you treat people that counts not where you come from. Never judge a book by it cover as none of us know people's story.
Response from susikins61 made on 2nd Sep 2020 18:21:46 > @JoannieF59
You are absolutely right. When my son and daughter started dating, my daughter said i was not asking questions like most of her friends mums. You know the sort of thing, what does he do, where does he live, what does his mum and dad do, what are his qualifications. I remember saying to her that if she wanted me to know these things then she would tell me. When she met her new hubby who is very tall, he reminds me of George Clark from amazing spaces. All i asked her was how does he treat you and she said like i am his very amazing best friend, i did not need to know any more. He is utterly lovely. My sons girlfriend of 10 years is so lovely too.
Over the years i just tried to make the most of the situation, i knew what was wrong but could not put it right and leaving was never an option i could sort out. Having to abandon my career with all the moves made life too complicated for me. Have lived in Canada and America in the earlier years. Now i have this dreadful incontinence issue i know i would end up always on my own if i left now and i am not sure my children would understand as they think their dad is amazing now and in that way i am pleased. If i could go on holidays with my friends like i used to everything would be fine. My friends used to visit whenever my hubby was away with work or on his holidays walking but all of them are grandmas now and busy childminding like they are expected to do these days. Life for young couples people now seems to be based on two salaries. My two think they cannot afford to have children as child care is so very expensive in London and Bristol. My daughter often does 20 hour shifts.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 3rd Sep 2020 23:19:28 > @susikins61
It is amazing that you have raised an independent Daughter, who is proud and strong, wants to keep her own name, and have her own career. We don't always know how life is going to turn out, we can only do our best to make informed choices with the information we have to hand at that point in time. That's what I see you have done. Your children's needs came first. You have done an amazing job. Its your turn now.
Year ago I had dreams and aspirations. I wanted to travel, see the world, do some exciting things. Gradually I noticed that the exciting things were getting tamer. Its gone from wanting to go on a safari holiday, to it would be exciting, (anxiety provoking) to turn up at the airport not knowing where we were going to travel to, but to get the next flight out. Now I can't even imagine us doing that.
I don't know if its age, I'm only 55, or health issues (I have lupus, and often feel very tired and sore, and usually on holiday I feel worse), or if its depression.
My get up and go, got up and went.
What is on your bucket list Susikins? If you could do anything, without fear of consequences, what would you do?
Response from susikins61 made on 4th Sep 2020 10:17:52 > @BTP
I had planned to do much travelling with friends, not my hubby. He is happy on his walking holidays. I lived in Canada for a few years and always kept in touch with Barbara and Lynne. So i would have gone to stay with them for 3 months. Not flown for 22 years now since my passport ran out. Had my hysterectomy in 1999 and not been right since, being left with faecal incontinence is a worst nightmare. I could have coped had it been my bladder not working but everyone knows when you have done the other as it were. I have been shouted at and called unrepeatable names. I had 2 emergency caescarians, one ecttopic and a hysterectomy so my insides are a mess with adhesions which are now causing pain. I once did a Cookery Course in Tuscany with a friend, wonderful . Several friends are divorced and a couple have hubbys who will only do fishing holidays or golf. As i said since they all became Grandmas their priorities have change, 3 have moved nearer their children to do childminding. I love Italy so wanted to visit there every year. I have not even been on a bus or train in 10 years since i once had awful accident on a train. Public loos are closing more and more or they are too digraceful to use. So i decided to do voluntary work which is brilliant. Thankfully the Hospice shop where i do the book section is re-opening in one months time and my aquafit swim class is resuming in 2 weeks time. There is light at the end of the tunnell. We all have coffee afterwards and a superb christmas lunch which i make it to most years as i organise it . My life revolves around my village sadly, that is just how it is. My daughter and hubby coming tomorrow for weekend but really scared about eating lunch out. Not sure if my new son-in-law knows i have a problem and i am terrifed of embarrasssing people. Wish me luck.
2nd Sep 2020 14:08:43 (Last activity: 3rd Sep 2020 23:33:15)
Thanks for voting!
What shall we talk about, not your feelings but something that can help you feel different about how your feeling. I am in a lonely place after the loss of my Husband last October, then lock down, no family really to fall back on as they have their own family lives & don't want me hanging round their necks all the time. Do you have hobbies that you want to start enjoying again, like your chior? I think you could try that again & fall back into a social life with the people in the chior, coffee etc. I think life is much to short to not get yourself back out there.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 3rd Sep 2020 23:33:15
Thank you Stupot. I agree, life is too short. I would like to get back out there. I will rejoin choir when it is safe to do so. I think I am probably a bit too reliant on my family, especially my youngest Daughter. I worry that we have quite a co dependent relationship. But I am hoping once the virus situation gets under control, I can start to look at doing things again. I have some ideas about finding an art group, or maybe another craft group of some sort. I have considered, (briefly) doing an academic course. I have a post grad diploma, but I found it difficult to do, and that was 10 years ago. The purpose of doing something like that would be to stretch my brain, but I suspect it would back fire as it would cause a lot more stress than I need at the moment.
I am sorry to hear you lost your husband, and that you fee
l your family don't want you hanging around them. Im sure that isn't the case, but we can often feel we are a burden to people, when actually those people are enjoying the company too.
I am trying to train my thinking, fact or when my head starts to work and over work on something, I stop and ask my self is that fact, or a feeling. If its a feeling, then it doesn't make it a reality.
I love your positive attitude.
25th Aug 2020 00:08:12 (Last activity: 2nd Sep 2020 12:57:23)
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Hello BTP,

I've read your message. I can sense your sadness. I think covid raises all sorts of issues and although you say it isn't the cause of your loneliness, you say you want to change things a bit but life is limiting at the moment, so we are back to the effects of covid again. It has also affected you going to the choir too.

You have made me think about how it must feel when people have children and then they grow up and you might see them less. They will have their own lives and of course see you sometimes. That must be hard if you feel they do not see you enough. I think I could sense my mother may have felt like that about some of her children (at least not me as I was very close to mum and dad).
But it still must be better to have the children and their love than not at all do you think? You have the grandchildren too. I understand you would want some life of your own on the side too.

If you could do more what would you like to do? The choir is one area.
You say you have masked your loneliness in the past. I think on-line should be an area we can make use of at this time when social lives are affected.

I am happy to chat and log in regularly, if you want to message back on here. Chatting to others can help.
Response from BTP Original Poster made on 26th Aug 2020 03:20:19
Thank you Dina for your comment and recognising my sadness. I do feel sad quite a lot of the time lately. I'm not close to my parents, though I longed to be for many years. As an only child I think I maybe thought having children would give me the family I wanted, and a sense of belonging. But of course life doesn't work like that. They grow up, and want their own lives, of course. My older Daughter has felt I was overbearing when she was a teenager, and I really struggled to find a way to connect with her ever since. She has my Grandson, and a 5 month old little girl of her own. We fell out two weeks after the birth of the baby. I am so annoyed with myself for arguing with her then. I could see that she was depressed all through her pregnancy, but still reacted to something she said. That argument has split the family, and meant we didn't see the grandchildren at all. My husband would get pictures and videos, and invites round, but I was excluded. Its left me feeling deeply hurt and very wary. We have a tentative truce now, but I worry I may put my foot in it again with her.
However, as I write this, my younger Daughter is in labour with her little girl. I am much closer with this Daughter, maybe like you are with your parents:) She has positively encouraged me involvement and connection through her pregnancy. I suspect (and hope) that I will be busy looking after both Mum and baby for the foreseeable. I hope one day I can get back to a better relationship with my older Daughter.
Thank you again for reaching out.
Response from Dinabob4 made on 30th Aug 2020 16:57:04 > @BTP
Glad to hear from your response that you are close with your younger daughter. You have a lovely relationship and bond there and a new grand-daughter on the way. That is exciting.
It is a shame when families fall out and it can be so hurtful. As you say mothers who have not long given birth are hormonal and quite sensitive. I only know as I have heard similar stories from others. Offence can possibly be taken quite easily at things said as if they are criticisms. You have a tentative truce now, so that is something and hopefully time will heal and it will be talked about.
I think people can feel lonely even with family around them. Maybe if they do not feel valued because not much time is spent together. Some people cannot show their love as easily.
Are you affected by covid in that you feel afraid to meet up with people at all?
My life is affected because I am reluctant to meet unless in a garden or outside. The government have frightened us into this when trying to make us stay home and it will take time to come out of it.
Take care
Response from susikins61 made on 2nd Sep 2020 12:57:23 > @BTP
Hope you have had a good week. Very sunny here and got some workmen here so keeping busy supplying cups of tea.
BTP Original Poster
31st Aug 2020 22:23:25 (Last activity: 1st Sep 2020 07:38:17)
Thanks for voting!
Hi Joannie
Its all very well and good reminding ourselves that there are people worse of than us, but sometimes it just doesn't change the fact that its a bad day. Covid has left so many people feeling lonely and unconnected to people. Five months of your own company is a long time, even if you really like yourself, and your own company Years ago I would have what I called duvet days, where I would allow myself a bad day, and just go with it, do nothing, watch trash TV, eat rubbish etc. Which is great, now and again. But I found actually I was having a lot of duvet days, and they had stopped serving the purpose they had. I found getting out, meeting friends, starting a course all helped me. But these are the very things we can't do now. Thank god for the internet eh?
Response from JoannieF59 made on 1st Sep 2020 07:38:17
Yes BTP the internet is a great way to stay connected. I know what you mean about trash telly. I am feeling much better today and I am going out and having a retail therapy day. I am so used to being around lots of people and at first enjoyed being home on my own. But after 5 months I have had enough. I have a week off so tomorrow I have arranged to meet a friend for a meal and am having lunch with another friend on Friday and seeing one son on Saturday and another on Sunday so I have things to look forward to.
Covid has made me think about what retirement will be like and I suppose made me panic a bit . I love the theatre and just discovered my local theatre are looking for volunteers so may be something I can do once this is all over. It means I will meet people and get to see the shows for free. There is also a local walking group I may also join.
BTP Original Poster
31st Aug 2020 22:13:51
Thanks for voting!
Hi Joannie
Its all very well and good reminding ourselves that there are people worse of than us, but sometimes it just doesn't change the fact that its a bad day. Covid has left so many people feeling lonely and unconnected to people. Five months of your own company is a long time, even if you really like yourself, and your own company 🙂 Years ago I would have what I called duvet days, where I would allow myself a bad day, and just go with it, do nothing, watch trash TV, eat rubbish etc. Which is great, now and again. But I found actually I was having a lot of duvet days, and they had stopped serving the purpose they had. I found getting out, meeting friends, starting a course all helped me. But these are the very things we can't do now. Thank god for the internet eh?
31st Aug 2020 12:10:24
Thanks for voting!
I know how you feel. I have been working at home for past 5 months and have coped really well, keeping in touch with people via facebook and Teams but today I suddenly feel so down and isolated. All my friends have partners of children living at home, where as I am single and my kids have left home. I do see them regularly but it isn't the same. I have no grandchildren as yet.

I know there are lots of other people worse off than me but today I am feeling sorry for myself and thought maybe talking to people may help me as well.

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