How to talk to your child if they’re disappointed with their exam results
How parents react can have a big impact – here’s what the experts advise.
Emotions are running high today as students pick up their A-Level results, or the Leaving Certificate yesterday in Ireland. It isn’t just the biggest day in their academic lives so far though – it’s also a nail-biting moment for parents. You’ve seen them work hard for months (or cram at the last minute), lose sleep with stress, and sweat over a few letters on a page that will seemingly determine their next steps.
So what if your child’s grades are below what they were expecting or aiming for? Whether or not that means they’ve missed out on the university place they wanted, all their hopes could come crashing down.
As their parent, you’re bound to be feeling disappointed for them and worried about what it all means, plus some other emotions which may or may not include: Denial (there must have been a mistake, they deserve better than this!); self-reflection that you could have encouraged/motivated/pushed them more; or sheer despair they didn’t work harder (if that’s the case).
But it’s a delicate situation. This is a pivotal point in your child’s life, whatever their results are – and how you react and speak to them about it can have a big impact too. So how should you go about it? Here, experts share their top tips on how to talk to your child if they’re disappointed with their exam results…
1. Focus on the work they put in
Jo Hardy, head of parent services at YoungMinds, says: “It can be really helpful to focus on how proud you are of your child for getting through exams, praise them for their hard work, and reassure them that you’re proud of them regardless of the results.”
2. Give them some perspective
“The most important thing is to reassure your child that these exams aren’t everything, and while it’s OK to be disappointed, there are always other ways to achieve your goals,” Hardy adds.
3. Don’t let your own dashed hopes and fears dominate
Although it’s an emotional day for parents too, it’s important to focus on what your child is feeling, and what they feel is right for them to do next. “Staying positive by not catastrophising is important,” says Northumbria University psychologist, Dr Sandy Wolfson. “If your son or daughter does find themselves in an unexpected situation, keeping an open mind, being proactive and looking at all the options, will achieve a better result than getting stressed and overwhelmed.
“It’s natural for parents to get swept up in their son or daughter’s stress surrounding university applications, results day and leaving home, but it’s important not to let your anxiety affect their mood or decision-making.” Also, remember that one of their worst fears in the lead up to results day has probably been disappointing you, so be careful you don’t confirm that.
4. Let them come to terms with it in their own way
“There is lots of evidence for the stress-reducing effects of social support, however not everyone finds social support effective for dealing with stress. Some people might prefer to cope in a more solitary way, processing information for themselves first, and then seeking support, and this is also fine,” adds Wolfson.
5. Approach the ‘Plan B’ conversation with an open mind
“I’ve met many students who haven’t got the grades they were expecting but who have gone on to do a course they were better suited to, and ended up feeling like it was the best thing that could have happened to them,” Wolfson says. “Your child will feel disappointed if they don’t get the grades they expected, but parents should see it as an opportunity to think creatively about their options.”
6. Tell them you love them
This might seem obvious but it’s so important to say this today. “Make sure they know that you still love them, and want to work with them when they’re ready to get excited about new or alternative options,” suggests Hardy.
7. Remember failure is a learning opportunity
“Failure can be positive; while it won’t feel like it at the time, feelings of disappointment can be a powerful driver to achieving success,” says Dr Maite Ferrin, consultant psychiatrist at Re:Cognition Health. “Understanding what failure feels like can make us stronger, more focused, determined and motivated to succeed.”
Ferrin adds: “‘Try again’ is a great attitude to adopt. How many successful people have failed an exam or failed in business before they succeed? How many actors have been unsuccessful before they ace their audition? Most people experience failure or disappointment in their lives, nobody is successful at everything, every time.”
8. Gently encourage them to take action
Support them in making decisions in light of their results, but don’t be too pushy. Hardy says: “If unexpected results have an impact on your child’s next steps, encourage them to speak to their school or college, who can give good advice about different options such as clearing for university, or requesting a re-mark for a paper.”
The Press Association
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