Diary of a self-isolator – week 23

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 16/08/2020 – Day 154

Woke up this morning to the sounds of Elvis Presley singing ‘Crying in the Chapel’ very appropriate for a Sunday I thought as I donned the old dressing gown and headed down for a cup of rosy lee, I put on Gold radio and he was there again singing ‘Return to Sender’ I thought I was dreaming and instructions were being given to the Lord after I was accidentally posted forthwith from the aforementioned chapel. Then it dawned n me, the sixteenth is the anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley in 1977.

Love him or hate him he has recorded over 600 songs in his career, yet he was never a song-writer, yes, he was credited with 50% of the song writing fees, but this was always written into the contract between singer and writer before he would sing their songs, sounds harsh but in the majority of cases those writers would make five times more by Elvis recording it than anyone else.

I sit here sometimes contemplating life – looking through the window just watching the rest of the world go by, including the local older generation going past for the paper shop. What amazes me is all these men well into their eighties running nay tottering around in shorts that were popular in the seventies or eighties, are they too trying to get back to their youth when all boys wore short trousers up to the age of thirteen.

They are always the first to don them and always the last to sadly consign them to the next year trunk because Christmas has crept up quicker than they thought.

Just on the entrance to Mrs H’s greenhouse stands a pear tree, the dear lady cannot access her greenhouse without walking beneath it, and it is absolutely overflowing with pears, some years in the past I have had to prop the lower branches up for fear of them breaking because of the weight of the fruit.

These conference pears are now almost ripe for picking, how do I know – well, when you are in the garden and you constantly hear ‘Ouch, bloody hell’ coming from the greenhouse area then they are dropping on Mrs H’s head as she walks past – you then know they are ripe, but I may leave them a few more days lol.

Mrs H have had a bit of a lazy day today, but hey, it is Sunday after all, just a shame that the showers during the day were so heavy and so frequent that we couldn’t actually go outside to enjoy our day off.

We were so bored that we decided later in the afternoon to finish off our shopping list for the coming Friday, We regularly shop at one of the big five but it wasn’t until last week that I discovered a money saver, apparently, instead of paying the extortionate fee of £4.50 every shop you can set up a direct debit for £7.99 per month and all delivery charges are dropped regardless of how many deliveries you have per month, this could be as much as £22.50 per month if you shop regularly so I am saving over £16 per month, it does of course mean that you have to stay with the same supermarket to make it pay, crafty eh?.

There were 5 deaths recorded in the last 24 hours, but once again the new cases went up to 1040, this has to be very worrying for the Government, it seems that Scotland too are seeing high spikes in infection.

Monday 18/08/2020 – Day 155

I sometimes cannot believe that we are in the middle of one of the hottest months of the year, I look out of the window this morning and it is grey skies, it is pouring down with that horrible  wet stuff and it is very muggy, within one hour of rising I can hear the thunder in the distance.

About 9.00pm we had the downpour from hell, Mrs H was on the phone to the daughter who only lives 2 miles away and she said the sun was shining and everything was as dry as a bone, strange weather which reminded me of when I was a lad, I was walking down our street and the sky behind me was as black as the ace of spades, then it started raining, but it was strange, if I had stopped for just 5 seconds I would have got soaked, but I kept walking at a normal pace and a sheet of rain followed me, the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen, it was pouring with rain one yard behind me and dry in front, it was like that scene from the film ‘The Ten Commandments’ where Moses holds out his staff and God parts the waters of the Red Sea. The Israelites walk through on the dry ground and cross the sea, followed by the Egyptian army. Once the Israelites have safely crossed Moses lifts his arms again, the sea closes, and the Egyptians are drowned.

I am not saying I am blessed, but I was as dry as a bone when I got into the house, my mum looked at me and then at the torrential downpour outside, she didn’t believe it either.

I spent most of the day on my second wife (my computer) concentrating on not dipping my hand into the jar of butter mints I have on the desk, I Know, it’s better to move them, but they’re like old friends and I know I would miss them if they were not there. As I said, I was on the computer looking for a literary agent, this is someone who will take you on as a writer, but believe me, it is a minefield.

There were 3 new deaths recorded but these are weekend figures, also 713 new cases.

Northampton continues to have the highest rate, thanks to an outbreak at the Greencore sandwich factory.

A total of 276 new cases were recorded in in the town in the seven days to August 14, the equivalent of 122.9 per 100,000 people – up from 39.6 per 100,000 in the previous seven days to August 7. It must be very frightening for those people there.

Tuesday 18/08/2020 – Day 156

To quote the American gentleman from an episode of Fawlty Towers ‘Does it ever stop raining in this Goddam country’, I thought July was bad but here in the Midlands It has either been too hot to sit outside or it’s been too wet!

OMG! It’s happening, I am turning into one of those miserable old whingers who I absolutely hate – scrap the first paragraph for today and let’s start again, Oh dear, the rain does seem to be coming down in quite an abundance, so what shall we do today then Mrs H?.

There, that’s better, I just can’t be doing with the moaning old git side of me, life’s far too short.

Actually, the rain did eventually stop around 11.00am just as Mrs H was rising (only joking, Mrs H had been up 120 minutes by then). So Mrs H and myself gathered all the tools together to make an assault on our front garden, I have to tell you that where I sit in our lounge I can see the tree which dominates the garden, well, if you recall two weeks ago we had a tree surgeon come around to take a tree down and prune three others, to be quite honest he did a brilliant job of the other trees and the tree at the front was the last on his list, I have no idea whether he was tired or not – but he made a bit of a pigs ear of it, I have been sat there now in my lounge unable to watch the absorbing rubbish on TV because that tree keeps attracting my attention. It is out of shape and there are dead bits hanging from it everywhere, and the bits that are remaining look like they’ve been put through a shredder.

So, that dear reader is the reason we are going to tidy up our front garden, I have a long handled battery pruner which sorted out the misshapen tree in no time, Mrs H meanwhile was doing her impression of the French Revolution by cutting off the heads of numerous plants, apparently this sordid act encourages more growth, if that is true then  I don’t know why my parents didn’t lop my head off to encourage me to  grow upward instead of outward.

Anyway, we were busy beavering away, we had got most of the mess up off the gravel when guess what – it started to pour down with rain again, not just a shower, this rain was torrential, we just about managed to get the tools in the dry, after waiting twenty minutes we gave up, what wasn’t done would have to wait until tomorrow.

I settled down comfortably in front of my computer searching online for an agent, no, not a cleaning agent, one of those nice people who represent you and introduce you to even nicer publishing people.

Then precisely at 4.30pm the sun burst through and you’d have thought we were living in the Bahamas! I was going to go outside and clear up the rubbish we had left on the drive, then I came to my senses and thought ‘sod it’ I’ll do it in the morning.

Once again there were over a thousand new cases recorded in the last 24 hours, the total was 1089 with 12 more deaths.

Wednesday 19/08/2020 – Day 157

Was awoken this morning at 5.00am by the battering of rain on the window, it was like one of those plumpish women in the nineteenth century who used to come around to wake you up by peppering your bedroom window using a peashooter – only a thousand times faster!

Despite the gloom and the darkness, I hauled my old frame out of bed to get myself downstairs with the intent of completely destroying four Weetabix. As I opened the fridge those wise words that Mrs H spoke last night re-entered my head:

“Don’t forget to fetch some milk from the shed before we go to bed”,

There wasn’t even enough milk for a cuppa, as we only have one of those under worktop fridges in the kitchen we keep our milk in a larger fridge down the shed, it is only about 12 meters away but when it is raining………….

I dried myself off and opened the fresh milk just as the rain eased a little.

My most urgent problem was – what was I going to do with myself all day, it was alright for Mrs H, she could get on the phone to our daughter and quite happily spend the rest of the morning there.

Then I had a lightbulb moment, I had been meaning to change the dull light fitting in the workshop (garage) for ages, We had taken a better light fitting out of the kitchen last year, It had four movable spotlights on it  and I had visions of me actually being capable of seeing the pencil line on what I was cutting.

That was it then, my day was sorted!  At about ten o clock out I went armed with Alexa and my ipod,

I mean, what could possibly go wrong, I was just swapping one light fitting for a stronger one, due too the fact that I wasn’t anywhere near the front of the queue when they were issuing long legs, I needed to be on steps of some kind.

I carefully unscrewed the Victorian light fitting making a mental note of which wire went where, should anything go drastically wrong I could easily put the old fitting back on and I’d only lost an hour of my day.

It was about 3,30 in the afternoon when I phoned an electrician mate of mine, my arms were dropping off, there was no light at all in the workshop and to top it all there was no power in the shed next door, normally this little matter wouldn’t have phased me, but that shed not only housed the large fridge but also a very large chest freezer which was crammed full to the top with last week’s Iceland order.

Thankfully, Steve (the electrician) was there within half an hour and soon found the problem, apparently the switch had been wired up incorrectly some time ago and it was arcing (throwing a current across to other wires) setting the trip switch off. Iheard him mutter the words ’Bloody cowboys’ as he packed his gear up and I paid him, as Mrs H and I waved him off she uttered the words:

“Wasn’t it you who wired that light switch a few months back?”

It didn’t stop raining all day today and even know at 7.00pm as I sit here at my desk typing this drivel it is dark enough outside to warrant the light being on in this room, I don’t do it lightly,  but reluctantly – just like Scrooge – I turned it on.

On the news tonight Oldham is very close to lockdown and will know their fate tomorrow, nationally 16 more deaths were recorded with a further 812 new cases reported.

Thursday 20/08/2020 – Day 158

Was awoken this morning by a UFO, a great golden orb in the sky looking directly at the bedroom window, Mrs H said it was something called a sun and to take advantage of it as it comes around less than Haley’s Comet.

I jumped out of bed and almost crippled myself as I trod on the remote control that had haphazardly slipped from my grasp as I drifted off into the land of make believe last night.

I blame Mrs H, we are at the moment watching a very funny Australian series about a Barrister who is his own worse enemy, his friends don’t like him, his colleagues hate him and he lives in a two room dinghy flat in downtown Sydney The  series is called ‘Rake’, but beware, it is littered with the eff word!

Had a visitor this morning, George popped around for a quick cuppa, thankfully, he had lost that ghastly eighties shell suit, we sat outside as he isn’t self-isolating and he really could do with some body deodorant.

George in his youth was sadly no stranger to the Unemployment office, not because he was lazy, it was the early seventies and the times of power cuts and a three day week, we were sat there (social distancing I hasten to add) when he came out with this gem:

“ I was waiting to get my emergency Giro when a young fella with his hair hanging halfway down his arse, no front teeth,  tattooed from head to toe and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

He strolled up to the counter and said:”
‘Hi there, you know what… I really HATE claiming benefits, I’d really much rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing.’

The social worker behind the counter said:
‘Wow, your timing is excellent. We’ve just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he’ll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you’ll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sexual appetite.’

The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:
‘You’re kidding’ me !’

The social worker said:
“Yeah, well . . . you started it“

After he’d finally gone and three cups of tea later I decided to tidy up the mess I had made in the Repair shop (garage) yesterday, it was also an opportune moment to clear up the rest of the foliage on the front drive, Mrs H was just grateful that it had finally stopped raining. It was bad though, if I’d have had some timber, I was toying with the idea of building arks for a living.

Six more deaths were recorded yesterday, I don’t want to come across as morbid or anything, but I’m not sure about how this government have moved the goalposts on the reporting of new deaths, since they changed it the number of deaths have dropped dramatically, don’t get me wrong, this is excellent news – if it’s true! There were 1182 new cases reported today.

Friday 21/08/2020 – Day 159

Windy or what! Blowing a gale outside, apparently, it’s the remnants of storm Ellen which hit Ireland yesterday, no significance really, just that my daughter in laws name is Ellen and she just happens to come from Ireland!

Mrs H has been moaning and complaining for the last 48 hours about her mobile phone not working, we’ve had the complaints about the internet not working properly, I’ve even offered to buy her a new phone, but no, she insisted it was just overheating and she couldn’t access her apps.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the Golden Child (youngest grandson Hatton) popped around to see us, of course his Nan was complaining about her phone to him, he took it from her and pressed a few buttons:

“You’re on the wrong provider Nan, you’re trying to access the internet on an old provider, no wonder it doesn’t work”.

I just stared, a look of disbelief and yet great relief on my face.

Ok, so cast your minds back to last month when I ordered a bench from the Peoples Republic of China and received a pair of cheap glasses that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a threepenny Lucky dip, I had been scammed, Well if you recall the only good thing to come out of it was that I’d paid on Paypal, I am pleased to inform you that today I received a full refund from paypal, to say I am really pleased is an understatement, besides that those Chinese takeaways won’t ever be capable of dealing with them again.

Today is my eldest Granddaughters birthday, the beautiful Alisha has finally left her teens behind her and – if she’s anything like her Mum – the celebrations will continue long into next week!

The number of new cases of coronavirus being reported is frightening, this is why I question the governments way of calculating and reporting deaths. The figure for  the last 24 hours was once again over a thousand, the graphs show a sharp upward phase.

Saturday 22/08/2020 – Day 160

Woke up once again to heavy rain hitting the window of our bedroom, it just doesn’t seem to have stopped this month at all.

My first job today is going to be cleaning the BBQ as we have our friends Janet and John coming around later for a bit of self-indulgent social distancing, It was John’s umpteenth birthday on Thursday and we traditionally all go out for an evening meal followed by consumptions of large amounts of ale and a good chinwag, but, alas that is not possible so, BBQ it is.

My Mate George rang about 9.30 to ask if we needed any shopping,

“Just milk, skimmed please, and don’t forget your mask”

George is still very stubborn about wearing his mask in the supermarket, he’s scared about not getting enough oxygen to his brain. I assured him that particular ship had sailed long ago.

Talking of George, his daughter in law wanted to shed a few pounds, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you’ll lose at least five pounds.”

When the poor girl returned to the surgery, she’d lost nearly twenty pounds.
The doctor exclaimed, “That’s amazing! Did you follow my diet?”
She nodded. “I thought I was going to drop dead every third day, from all the skipping!”

It must run in the family, no wonder Colin was attracted to her.

All this wet weather reminds me of my childhood, when we were youngsters there was a triangular field behind our house, all the kids played on it, one day the lads I hung around with at the time all came out armed with spades and shovels, ‘Onker’ Harris was the sort of unelected leader of our little gang, he decided that there would be no more sheltering under trees for hours on end when it rained, we were going to build our own gang hut – underground!

The idea was to dig a massive hole in the field and shore it up with all the old timber lying around his dad’s back garden, there were also corrugated sheets which would come in handy for the roof.

Within two days it was completed, Six foot deep (rather unfortunate I know) and about eight feet square, quite cosy really except that no-one had thought how dark it would be when we slid the last sheet over the roof, so it was everyone back to their homes in search of candles. Ian, who was not the sharpest knife in the draw came back clutching a firework he had found in his dad’s shed.

Onker             What the hell’s that?

Ian                  A roman candle, we had them last bonfire night, they burn for ages and will really light the room up.

Onker             Really?, Ok you go down the hole, we’ll pull the roof across and you can test it out,

Ian                  Ok.

A few minutes later we pulled the sheet back from the smoke- filled hole as Ian clambered out with smoke coming from his nose, his ears and his mop of blonde curly hair, he never tried that again.

We had that ‘camp’ for quite a long time until Winter started to set in, then it got a bit damp to say the least, So Onker’s dad – who was the best father I have ever met – built us a wooden gang hut on his back garden, we spent most winter nights in that gang hut talking gibberish, just five lads with all their life in front of them. That hut  was still there 20 years later when I went back. Wonderful days.

The last 24 hours have seen yet another increase in infection with 1288 new cases reported, there were also a further 18 deaths, The total of people with coronavirus in the UK has seen a sharp rise this week up to 324, 601.

And finally, my new book was launched just over a week ago and I have sold in excess of 100 copies with some wonderful feedback from purchasers, If you want it just go to Amazon books and either put in my name or the title ‘A Poetic Trip Along Memory Lane’, if you have already purchased it, thank you so much.

It’s been emotional!

Until Next week………