Fanny & Johnnie

I’ve written this poem about the Cradocks and their influence on today’s TV chefs and personalities. I hope it makes you giggle!

Fanny & Johnnie

Fanny and Johnnie sat on a cloud
Next to the Pearly Gates.
The Cradocks. The original T.V. cooks.
They were two of the greats.

Fanny had an acid tongue
And much acerbic wit,
Which she always turned on Johnnie
To make him feel a right twit.

But the public loved them
And they could do no wrong
As they waited for Fanny’s contemptuous look
Which ordered Johnnie ‘BE GONE’.

They looked down from their lofty perch
At their legacy left behind.
The ones who were blazing a trail in their wake
And were amazed to find….

….a plethora of T.V. Chefs.
All authors of many books.
The closest most people ever get
At turning into cooks.

They flick over pages
Through photos and text.
Stash on the shelf.
Onto the next.

‘They’ll never replace us, Johnnie.
I was Queen of all I surveyed.
You my subservient lackey.
My every whim obeyed’.

Fanny arched her eyebrows
Painted halfway up her head.
‘Let’s see who’s succeeded us.
Who’s in MY spotlight instead?’

‘Jamie Oliver? Odd boy.
Everything is ‘Pukka’.
But it seems he’s done very well for himself,
The irritating plucker.

‘Ainsley Harriot, The Hairy Bikers,
Hugh Fearnley Whitingstall.
Rick Stein, Delia Smith. Hundreds more.
We started this rolling ball’.

Johnnie fancied Nigella,
Her dumplings a massive hit.
And as for her plum duff and custard,
He’d love to have more than a bit.

Fanny turned her attention
To the potty-mouthed chef labelled ‘Vile’.
‘I like the cut of this one’s jib.
I like his crude, rough style’.

She seemed to have found a soul-mate.
She liked Gordon Ramsay a lot.
‘He’d be much more fun than Johnnie,
The snivelling little snot’.

Johnnie finally got his own back.
It’s remembered by our Grannies.
At the end of a show he came out with the line
‘MAY YOUR DOUGHNUTS ALL BE LIKE FANNY’S’.

July, 2020.