Am I fat?

My husband Harry has made dinner for me and I’ve demolished every last bit of Lasagne and as I’m sipping on my wine I’m shoving bits of garlic bread in my mouth, after half an hour of extra grazing I unzip my pants and let it all hang out. This amuses Harry so when he gets up to clear the plates he grabs my rolls of stomach fat and wobbles it, he laughs and says ‘That’s all paid for.’

I laugh but deep down I’m also embarrassed about the size of my stomach, which looks like a overhang on a cliff. When we sit in the lounge I turn to Harry and brightly say. ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I suddenly wonder why his eyes and lips are twitching, I smile. ‘Come on tell me the truth.’

He starts with his rash and moves his head around in circular movements, he quietly says. ‘Maybe a little bit.’

I immediately bite his head off. ‘So you think I’m fat?’

When he answers me his voice sounds like a young girl with a squeaky voice has possessed him. ‘Err just a bit, not much.’

I’m in a real strop. ‘So all along you’ve thought I was fat and you NEVER said anything?’

I don’t feel at all bad about the look of terror on his face and I storm out of the room and ring my friend Jane to tell her how horrible he’s been to me.

The following night me and Jane pull up outside the Methodist church where the local slimming club is held. As we walk through the grounds towards the church two young lads on bikes whizz past us, nearly knocking us over. I stand in shock. ‘Little hooligans.’ Jane agrees. Then one of the boys stops his bike and shouts. ‘Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.’

We quicken our step and are both disgusted by the cheek of the young boys. When we get to the doors of the club there’s a notice on the door which says:

For the slimming meeting please use the double doors at the side of the church.

Once inside we notice the leader is a girl who hated me at school and I wasn’t so fond of her either. Pauline beams when she sees us. ‘What have we got here Kermit and Miss Piggy?’ Jane looks at her dress and turns to me. ‘I like green.

I whisper. ‘Ignore her, she’s a bitch.’

Pauline almost shouts. ‘Come on you two pop on the scales and let’s see what damage you’ve done to yourselves over the years.’

Jane runs out of the queue shouting. ‘I’m going for a pee.’ I stand like a cornered animal, I drop my bag on the floor, take off my cardigan, shoes and jumper which leaves me standing there with a bleach stained old T shirt. Pauline smiles. ‘Have you been here before?’

I nervously smile. ‘Yes about six months ago.’

Pauline flicks through the old cards and when she finds my old card her eyes light up. ‘Come on Carol let’s see how much flab you’ve put back on?’ I slowly step on the scales my legs are shaking, I close my eyes. It takes ages until the needle stops. Pauline squeals with delight. ‘Well done you’ve put on nine pounds since you were last here.’ I stand like a little girl who’s being sent to bed early. She gives me my card back and smugly says. ‘Now do the walk of shame – go on.’ I walk to my seat and wait for Jane. After five minutes Jane comes and sits next to me. ‘She’s just shown me up because I’ve put weight on.’

I shrug my shoulders. ‘Tell me about it.’

I look around the room and I can see a few familiar faces, there are no men in the meeting unless you can count a few menopausal women with hairy faces.

Pauline hands out pens and paper then stands in front of the group and smiles. ‘Right ladies, we all need a bit of encouragement so I’m going to get you all motivated.’ She looks at me and says to the group. ‘What I should have said was I’m going to get SOME of you motivated.’

Pauline lifts up the paper. ‘At the top of the paper I want you all to write I believe.’ Pauline points to a young girl in the group. ‘For example you could put I believe in love and marriage and that could be your goal to lose weight and find love.’ The young girl nods.

Pauline points to an elderly lady. ‘You could write I believe in being active and happy in later years.’

The old lady looks at Pauline and says. ‘Active yes, but I’m not happy I lost my husband earlier this year.’

Pauline is agitated and replies. ‘Well at least you don’t have to cook for him anymore, so you should lose weight easily.’

Pauline points at a woman in her late thirties. ‘You could think the kids are growing up and now it’s my time and I believe I can lose weight.’

The woman look at Pauline. ‘I haven’t got any kids.’

Pauline looks at my disgruntled face. ‘Carol you could start off with I believe in miracles.’

As me and Jane leave we can hear Pauline chirpily saying. ‘Magazines for sale, sweets that take an hour to chew and crisp-breads that are so hard you can scrap the ice off your car with them.