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Son's wedding (not invited)

My son's big wedding had to be postponed until next year. In the meantime they have arranged a small registry office wedding in a few weeks time.


Until he met his fiancé I always had a very close relationship with my son but recently he has become more and more distant. I have tried my best to get along with his fiancé and have no idea why they are rejecting me. Due to Covid there are only limited numbers allowed at the registry office. My son's fiancé's mother, brother and his wife have been invited along with my daughter and her husband...but no invitation for me and I'm devastated!


I'm trying not to let it bother me but it is so painful....I don't want this to affect my future relationship with them but I know it will.


Does anyone have any advice?


Created By on 04/10/2020

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EllenMay
11th Feb 2021 16:08:48 (Last activity: 11th Feb 2021 16:52:24)
0
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Hi Rubyshoes I'm sorry I've come in late to your problem and I expect you've now had the registry wedding. I have the same thing with my stepson who I raised from age 4. His wife, for some unknown reason, dislikes us as the parents acutely. We have no idea why, other than her flagrantly (and naturally) preferring her own parents but exclusively. We were even accused of not wanting to be our grandson's grandparents.

To some extent it is inevitable that sons who we have nurtured and cherished for so long then default to their wives as a priority. However how this is done can be extremely hurtful for a parent.

All I can suggest is maybe see your son privately as we did, and emphasise that you want to be a non-intrusive but nevertheless present part of his life in some way. You could ask not directly what is wrong, but instead ask how you could improve the relationship with him and with his wife yourself, what you could do to improve this. That way your approach would be non-accusatory. We have come to the conclusion with my stepson that he is caught in the middle of this (what exactly we don't know) and we respect their space, supporting from a distance. We can only hope that one day they come around. It is extremely hurtful and your feelings are completely natural. Never feel that your feelings of hurt are of your own making or imagination.

See if as I say you can approach this in terms of what you can do to help and above all never criticise his wife or her family as then the situation will deteriorate much further. As long (as I am sure) you have been a good mother to him in the past there is no reason his loyalty to you should be impaired. In my case it is a stepson with whom I do not have the natural bond as I do with my own son.

Good luck!!
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 11th Feb 2021 16:52:24
Hi EllenMay,

Welcome and many thanks for your first comment in our Forum.

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NonnieK
22nd Nov 2020 05:35:56
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I think it's a good idea to talk to him. Be gentle. My son & I were very close too, until he had been married a year or so. There was a time, he dropped everything for a couple of days to come get me from a bad situation. After that, things changed. I feel like his wife got jealous that he did that, and then I got accused of being all sorts of difficult. They aren't married anymore, & our relationship has improved, but I don't like seeing him so sad.
Robs sister
26th Oct 2020 17:46:15
1
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Talk to him and tell him how you feel, this is going to affect your future relationship so take the bull by the horns and let him know that you are upset. It sounds like she is controllng the show, leaving you out is heartless.
MollyUK
20th Oct 2020 16:09:51
1
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Nobody in their right mind would imagine that this situation isn't hurtful, so there just has to be an important reason behind your son's decision not to invite you to his wedding, even though he must know you'll feel wounded. He might have a good reason (such as trying to keep you safe from the virus) or a bad reason (I wouldn't dream of trying to guess your family dynamic but you may be able to think of something). Problem is, you can't possibly know for sure what his reasons are unless you ask him. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a few searching questions, calmly delivered. Or it may be just a misunderstanding - maybe he thinks that, as you're his mum, you don't actually need an invitation - it could be that he's taking it for granted that you'll be there. All you can do is talk to each other. I hope you'll get it sorted out in the end. Good luck.
Blossom52
16th Oct 2020 13:32:12
1
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I have read the comments and most people are saying not to say anything, but why ever not? Ask your son why no invite, it may be they thought you didn’t need one...xx
trishajohns
5th Oct 2020 08:54:30 (Last activity: 16th Oct 2020 13:28:26)
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Oh my goodness I feel like this is my post! The same happened to me with my son 7 yrs ago we were very close and then his new girlfriend now wife took to disliking me and was not invited to the wedding. They now have 2 children and it breaks my heart. I ve tried so hard to make things good between us but his wife is very controlling and I now leave them alone with a great weight in my heart. I think about them every day, children seem so selfish nowadays. Please take care life passes us by so try to spend your time looking after you.
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 5th Oct 2020 09:05:48
Hi trishajohns,

Welcome and many thanks for your first comment in our Forum.

If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

If you are looking for some lively discussions, head on over to the Forum homepage to see what's trending right now and feel free to join in the discussions, with all our friendly members, perhaps ask a question or even start your own post.

Response from Lionel made on 5th Oct 2020 16:20:36
Trisha, yes, we know precisely what you mean

My wife has a 45 year old son, computer something on fantastic salary He cut himself off from her about four years ago and by various means just keeps on twisting the knife in her heart

Should I tell him the house is willed to a dog's home or let him wait and see?
Response from Blossom52 made on 16th Oct 2020 13:28:26 > @Lionel
Depends if you want to see his reaction........ Make sure he can’t contest it but maybe don’t leave it all to the dogs home....hedgehogs need help at the moment xx
PurpleHat
8th Oct 2020 21:56:03 (Last activity: 11th Oct 2020 12:33:29)
0
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My late husband and I were faced with a similar situation and felt completely shut out from our son's wedding, and had an uneasy relationship for many years.
I can only say that you should maybe try to step back and wait a bit, as your daughter- in- law- to- be may feel that you are too much competition for your son's attention and a threat to their independent life. together, foolish though that may sound.
The more we tried to convince our two otherwise, the worse the split became.
Would it be a good thing to send them a Happy Wedding card and a diplomatic message, regretting that their wedding plans had to be so curtailed and hoping that when the current troubles are over there will be an opportunity for you all to celebrate the occasion together as they would have wished.
I have not seen my son for 18 years ,but my grandson has come back into my life with his lovely wife and now I have a Great-granddaughter! Have hope!!!
Response from Smudgersnan made on 10th Oct 2020 09:22:09
Hello PurpleHat!

I so enjoyed reading the last couple of lines of your comment.......you must be delighted that your grandson and his 'lovely' wife are in your life and your great-granddaughter!!!

This was my point in my reply. I could not agree with you more. It is a very difficult situation. The fact that you called your grandson's wife 'lovely' speaks volumes.
Response from PurpleHat made on 11th Oct 2020 12:33:29 > @Smudgersnan
Hello Smudgersnan. Yes I was over the moon. They have visited me several times pre-Covid and I have an open offer to return the visits as and when possible. I have not been able to see my granddaughter yet, but they send me loads of photos via FB.
As far as my son is concerned, my door was, and is, always left open. I get news of my family now which is good.
Smudgersnan
8th Oct 2020 09:20:35
0
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Hello, I am so sad to read your post...you must be so upset.

As other members have replied, you are not alone in this kind of situation....

I can only offer a little advice, perhaps you have already been told, but I have learnt (operative word) that 'least said, soonest mended' is so true. Perhaps your son is in a difficult position, and it may be paining him as much as you, but he is trying to 'keep the peace' with his future wife (and family, by the sound of it?) I cannot imagine on what basis you have been left out of from invitations, but I would bite my tongue and say nothing. I really appreciate how difficult this must be for you. I would also never say anything negative in this regard and offer only praise and compliments in the future to your boy and his wife. You will be providing her with nothing at all to condemn you and your boy will be grateful, trust me. This situation is awful for you, but extremely common, and I think you will 'win' in the end, as do not forget, grandchildren may be on the horizon and you want to stay onside for that reason alone! I wish you well. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
BBarb
5th Oct 2020 15:38:19 (Last activity: 5th Oct 2020 17:09:32)
0
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This happened to us 30 years ago, although we were invited to the wedding we were excluded from then onwards and excluded from our three Gkids lives and now from GGkids lives.
A month ago my daughter in law demanded a divorce after all this time and is demanding (and likely to get) half of the family business as our son and his dad (my husband) are in partnership, and we foolishly hadn't made any provision for such a split.
Half our lifetime's work given to this unfriendly female who has never allowed us to share the delight of a family life in our old age.
Swallow your hurt for the time being and protect your own assets (no-one need know) and then weep for your lost son.
Bless you, I know how bitter these tears will be. XX
Response from Sally - Silversurfer's Editor made on 5th Oct 2020 17:09:32
Hi BBarb,

Welcome and many thanks for your first comment in our Forum.

If you already know your way around, then we will leave you to it.

If you are looking for some lively discussions, head on over to the Forum homepage to see what's trending right now and feel free to join in the discussions, with all our friendly members, perhaps ask a question or even start your own post.

Len45
4th Oct 2020 17:15:39
0
Thanks for voting!
how terrible, family can be so cruel at times, my Grandson's new girl seems to have the same ploy in mind. We've always been so close, but that also is our strength because at some stage that family love will prevail and I'm sure it will for you too.

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