An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained … "Well, doc, it's like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. "She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour? Good heavens!"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
An absolute legend of comedy. When I watched 'AN EVENING WITH KEN DODD' on the TV many years ago I cried with laughter so much I must have missed 25% of the jokes. How lucky I was that I recorded it, and laughed just as much when I watched the recording at later dates.
I saw him 'LIVE' a few years ago. He was still hilarious and not a blasphemy to be heard in any jokes. As I said....... A TRUE LEGEND OF COMEDY
Anyone got any good Christmas funnies? Here's one to kick things off.CHRISTMAS GREETINGS - APPROVED BY "LEGAL"
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for a socially responsible, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, together with a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. '£10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot. 'That's too much,' said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay £10.' The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.' 'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.'
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her bathroom a shoe box that she forbid her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and £1,000 in cash. My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue, she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
The clamour of the crowd made me draw near, to find an old man being held aloft by a group of youths whilst all around people clapped and laughed. From the campanile bells rang joyfully. I asked what the reason and was told that at one time the population was under threat by raiding tribes and fleeing was fraught with danger due to their flapping togas tripping them up. It transpires the old gentleman being feted was named four room because of his dwelling place, and he had devised a leather thong which was pierced and fed through a metal pronged ring. When worn around the waist this held the toga above the ankles and so the people escaped danger safely. For this, he was being duly rewarded and known as four-room the belt holes.
My sister recently went back to the opticians because her sight was blurred through one lens when looking through her new glasses. She has been wearing glasses since she was five and thus pretty used to wearing them. The young receptionists informed her that you have one dominant eye and she was obviously looking through the wrong eye and was therefore reluctant to waste the opticians time by making her a new appointment!
Hi. I'm not sure this will be seen in time if at all. Being a new member here I am quite frustrated already. Are your messages being seen, do you get any responses. Now we all lead busy lives and things have to get done. I am going to open a chat tomorrow evening at about 7:30. it is called the Scotland Room. Not sure if this will work as on reading how this is done you can't just join in you have to be added by the administrator, who for this purpose would be me. If you see this and are interested in a group chat ( no topic in mind) its an experiment. PM me and I will add your name to the list. I couldn't decide where this post lay in the subject matter so I chose humour as we all like to have a laugh. So the more the merrier. Warning: I am not taking any responsibility for this group chat not working. Did I mention experiment. :)
I don't know about anyone else here but I find that in the real world life is far too serious and depressing so every now and again I do something silly/strange and certainly not fitting for a 54 year old ....My past exploits include speeding down a hill on a kids scooter and promptly falling off catapulting my shoes so far it would make an Olympian shot putter proud tossing over a handrail and landing on my head obviously my technique needs a little work running and sliding on ice - OK this was not a deliberate thing but was great fun until I knocked myself out having an indoor snowball fight which broke a couple of my willow tree ornaments - collateral damage!
Kids climbing frames are a must - no matter how often I get to the top and need rescuing. Slides are fab well as long as they are big enough so I don't get stuck. See-Saws and roundabouts are brilliant no matter how often you fall off. Using kids of friends and relatives for an excuse to get into the ball pool - I am always open to new ideas .... is this just me or are there other 'mature' people out there who love to play?