A Scottish Experiment
2 Posts Last Activity 15/04/2017
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Hi. I'm not sure this will be seen in time if at all. Being a new member here I am quite frustrated already. Are your messages being seen, do you get any responses. Now we all lead busy lives and things have to get done. I am going to open a chat tomorrow evening at about 7:30. it is called the Scotland Room. Not sure if this will work as on reading how this is done you can't just join in you have to be added by the administrator, who for this purpose would be me. If you see this and are interested in a group chat ( no topic in mind) its an experiment. PM me and I will add your name to the list. I couldn't decide where this post lay in the subject matter so I chose humour as we all like to have a laugh. So the more the merrier. Warning: I am not taking any responsibility for this group chat not working. Did I mention experiment. :)
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Is growing up compulsory?
4 Posts Last Activity 18/03/2017
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I don't know about anyone else here but I find that in the real world life is far too serious and depressing so every now and again I do something silly/strange and certainly not fitting for a 54 year old ....My past exploits include speeding down a hill on a kids scooter and promptly falling off catapulting my shoes so far it would make an Olympian shot putter proud tossing over a handrail and landing on my head obviously my technique needs a little work running and sliding on ice - OK this was not a deliberate thing but was great fun until I knocked myself out having an indoor snowball fight which broke a couple of my willow tree ornaments - collateral damage! Kids climbing frames are a must - no matter how often I get to the top and need rescuing. Slides are fab well as long as they are big enough so I don't get stuck. See-Saws and roundabouts are brilliant no matter how often you fall off. Using kids of friends and relatives for an excuse to get into the ball pool - I am always open to new ideas .... is this just me or are there other 'mature' people out there who love to play?
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Mistaken Diagnosis
9 Posts Last Activity 22/03/2017
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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A Riddle
3 Posts Last Activity 23/11/2016
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Two legs, sitting on three legs with one leg in his lap. Along comes fourlegs, runs away with one. Up jumps two legs, picks up three legs, throws it at fourlegs, gets back one leg!
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Hearing things in the night, I need an appointment with a shrink. A true story.
8 Posts Last Activity 14/11/2016
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I was very busy typing late last night, fingers flying away at the keyboard, tippety tap. It was then that I hear a loud mewing sound, I stopped and listened, it had stopped. I carried on tippety tapping and again the loud mew. I got up and went to the front door to see if there was a stray cat wanting to come in out of the cold. Nothing, just blackness. Oh well I said and went back to typing Once again a really loud mew, this time I took a torch and did a search in the pitch black all around the grounds--nothing I went back to the typing but with half an ear listening for any sounds. It was then that I heard a loud mew coupled with some gurgling sounds. When I realised what it was I collapsed with laughter. It was my stomach thanking me for the Pizza I had eaten earlier. A true story.
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Xmas trees
19 Posts Last Activity 07/01/2017
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Saw first xmas tree of 2016 in a house on way back from Asda, after getting beer for watching Scotland vs England.  Is this a bit early?
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Doctors assistant
3 Posts Last Activity 09/11/2016
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.” “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?” Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.” “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus. “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything and lay down on the table and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!” “Thunderin’ Hellfire, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
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Bloopers from church notice boards.
3 Posts Last Activity 08/12/2016
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Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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News from aound the U.K, ( The two Ronnies style )
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Sad news at the Nestle factory in Scotland today.... A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me".... everyone ignored him ! A man who was jailed last year for selling millions of pounds worth of defective building materials to the Government, escaped from Wormwood Scrubs Prison today,... when the front of the building....fell off ! A government incentive to encourage young couples to buy their own building sites will be launched today, with the slogan Get "Lots" while you're young ! .... ( I know I did ) A new product out today, is The Welsh Boomerang, apparently it doesn't come back, !... it just sings about Coming back! Unfortunate news just in from the West Midlands, A mammoth food mixer has reportedly gone out of control at a food processing plant in Walsall,... the entire factory has now gone into liquidation! Mr Osbert Grove, described as Britain's worst ever Postman, delivered a petition against his wrongful dismissal today ,.. to the Queen,.. at 15 Station St Scunthorpe ! A lady Clairvoyant from Carshalton, was granted a divorce on the grounds of her husbands adultery, next weekend, in Brighton? And finally - the prime minister has said that the state of the British Economy was in no way connected with the arrest this morning on a Dover beach, of a large group of illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country! Well that's all the news around this morning,... if you hear of any,.. please put it on here!
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What a ride ...
0 Posts
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ED and NORMA - Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Norma always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! " Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
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