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Items to put a smile on your face ? :O)

First Day at The Zoo:


A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.


First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps pelting him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?โ€ (Wait for it !!!!!)โ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆโ€ฆ


The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"


Created By on 16/09/2015

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CaroleAH
30th Jul 2018 11:02:10
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Who's groaning - have you actually got more than one warped friend??? Lucky you ๐Ÿ™‚
CaroleAH
19th Jul 2018 13:38:03 (Last activity: 20th Jul 2018 21:22:45)
2
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Large sign at the side of the road in Garforth proclaims "Cats eyes removed" - I hope that the local moggies take note. ๐Ÿ™‚
Response from CaroleAH made on 20th Jul 2018 21:22:45
Lochinvar, your Caledonian wit has reduced me to mirthful jollity ๐Ÿ™‚ However, I feel that whilst your indulgence in the evils of C2H5OH may have induced a loquacious levity to your response to my post about the feline population of Garforth, you have not addressed my concerns about the frightened moggies cowering in fear of losing their eyes!!! ร€ Bientรดt ๐Ÿ™‚
[deleted]
30th Apr 2018 23:53:10
3
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[deleted]
30th Apr 2018 20:52:22
4
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CaroleAH
15th Mar 2018 12:54:39
3
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This is a true story! A friend of mine went into a large DIY store to buy some summer-flowering bulbs for the garden. He couldn't find what he wanted so approached a young sales assistant and asked where the gladioli bulbs were. The sales assistant immediately led my friend to the lighting department and asked "what wattage do you need, sir?" ๐Ÿ™‚
[deleted]
15th Jan 2018 09:14:44 (Last activity: 15th Jan 2018 12:06:25)
2
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[deleted]
Response from CaroleAH made on 15th Jan 2018 12:06:25
Excellent tale ๐Ÿ™‚ a good antidote to Blue Monday!
effingpot
12th Dec 2017 13:53:49
1
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I went to the zoo last weekend
It only had one animal
It was a dog
It was a Shih Tzu ๐Ÿ™‚
tobytyke
19th Nov 2017 12:59:22
2
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A couple watching tv programme about penguins, wife says โ€œWhat do they call baby penguinsโ€ Husband says โ€œGoogle itโ€ A few minutes later his wife says โ€œAwww arenโ€™t those little googlelits cuteโ€.
[deleted]
15th Oct 2017 21:06:34 (Last activity: 15th Oct 2017 23:45:11)
1
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[deleted]
Response from CaroleAH made on 15th Oct 2017 23:45:11
Aaaaagh! I didn't expect that ๐Ÿ™‚
CaroleAH
19th Sep 2017 11:54:28 (Last activity: 29th Sep 2017 19:39:54)
4
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A couple who have been married many years are sitting chatting and he says "I really admire the way you cope with my bad temper - whatever I say or how spiteful I have been, you never retaliate. Tell me, how do you manage to stay so calm and sweet?" She relies, "Well, when ever you are nasty and upset me, I go and clean the toilet .............. with your toothbrush!"

Ooooh, yuk, yuk yuk! A visiting vicar included this joke in his sermon on "forgiveness" on Sunday. It certainly captured our attention and we sat riveted for the next 20 minutes ๐Ÿ™‚
Response from CaroleAH made on 19th Sep 2017 23:23:56
I must say that I, and the mostly elderly congregation, were somewhat startled by the punch-line but it made us all laugh and, as I said, we all listened intently to the rest of the sermon! ๐Ÿ™‚
Response from CaroleAH made on 29th Sep 2017 19:39:54
It doesn't bear thinking about ๐Ÿ™‚
CaroleAH
19th Sep 2017 11:55:27
0
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Should be replies not relies!
[deleted]
13th Aug 2017 13:17:17 (Last activity: 13th Aug 2017 22:47:05)
2
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[deleted]
Response from CaroleAH made on 13th Aug 2017 13:41:42
Brilliant, Yodama! Is this one of your "tried and tested" recipes? ๐Ÿ˜‰
Response from CaroleAH made on 13th Aug 2017 22:47:05
Not to mention all that whiskey! Think I would give the cake a miss and just enjoy a wee dram or three!!
[deleted]
13th Aug 2017 21:30:20
3
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[deleted]
3rd Jul 2017 10:44:11 (Last activity: 5th Jul 2017 14:45:44)
2
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[deleted]
Response from Treehugger1 made on 3rd Jul 2017 17:52:25
Haha, very good!
Response from CaroleAH made on 5th Jul 2017 14:45:44
Brilliant, Lochinvar! ๐Ÿ™‚
[deleted]
24th Jun 2017 06:56:32 (Last activity: 28th Jun 2017 13:46:17)
5
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[deleted]
Response from CaroleAH made on 28th Jun 2017 00:20:32
Oh Lochinvar! Only a man would dare to write that!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚
Response from CaroleAH made on 28th Jun 2017 13:46:17
I suppose I will have to let you off then - with just a virtual dig in the ribs ๐Ÿ˜‰
[deleted]
13th May 2017 09:13:30 (Last activity: 23rd Jun 2017 20:34:12)
4
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[deleted]
Response from happyhacker made on 23rd Jun 2017 20:34:12
Yodama, I think the ladies here may think that's funny. But us males (I managed a bit of a grin though)! Still, you're inviting some alternative jokes comparing the sexes and I look forward to them!
[deleted]
20th Feb 2017 19:53:35 (Last activity: 20th Feb 2017 21:01:14)
1
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[deleted]
Response from jeanmark made on 20th Feb 2017 21:01:14
Murphy arranged a blind date for Paddy. The day before Paddy confirmed he understood the arrangement but as Murphy left he turned and said to Paddy, "Oh, just to warn you, she's expecting a baby". A few days later Murphy met Paddy and asked how his date had gone, Paddy responded "It was a disaster, she was half an hour late and I felt a right idiot sat at the bar in a nappy waiting for her".
[deleted]
2nd Jan 2017 15:00:11 (Last activity: 2nd Jan 2017 15:29:26)
1
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[deleted]
Response from jeanmark made on 2nd Jan 2017 15:29:26
Your "What not to hear in the operating theatre" reminded me of the Operating Theatre Practitioner name Jesus. I always wondered what it must be like to wake up from an anaesthetic hearing that name being shouted.
paisley pattern
15th Nov 2016 11:34:56
0
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A man went into the butcher's and the butcher said to him "if you can reach anything on the top shelf then you can have it for free". The man looked up and said "I won't bother as the stakes are too high".
[deleted]
14th Nov 2016 22:53:07
0
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