Lonliness
Watch this postI have been happily married for 45 years, however, because of complicated experiences with people I have come across in life I have completely lost faith in human nature. I am now feeling like a victim, I don’t want to feel like this as I know there must be some sincere people out there. Please where are you? I feel my problem is basically that I just care too much, I think deeply about everything especially the feelings of others, this has just left me with a deep down gut loneliness. If I were to overhear someone say something indicating they were feeling lonely.unhappy, I would want to solve their problem. As a couple, we used to take students for 3 months of the year, usually from China, we both loved that, so rewarding, making someone from another country feel at home and comfortable, since we moved house, we are no longer in the catchment area to do this, but it was lovely having someone come coming home on dark nights, talking about their day, laughter etc., We are like this generally, always but always wanting the best for others. I could write many scenarios here in the hope I can be understood but not only would it bore the pants of everyone, it would not really help me. All I need to know is, how do others think? Why do I feel so utterly alone. One thing mentioned as a possible cause was when I was 6 years, I was in hospital for a week for removal of tonsils, I vividly recall sobbing my heart out every day (which seemed forever) as no one visited me, no one at all, other visitors would come to my bed and smile and then disappear, I focussed on everyone coming in and out but my mam, dad and brother were never to be seen, why? To this day I do not know why, someone has said, this would have felt like a form of abandonment, to tell the truth thinking about it now, I can feel that same deep down gut alone emptiness, fear. However, this does not explain my loss of faith in others, there are as I say many reasons for this but I need to know I am not alone, not in the literal sense, but in the sense that I am not alone in my thoughts. Now before I say this I don’t want to be shot down as I know there are people suffering terrible lives, but I am a talking about the everydayness of life, People seem to be at home, close their curtains (I can’t even do that) close curtains and shut the world out. I need to let the world in! Whenever a neighbour moves in to the street, we are the first to put a welcome card in their door, we have done this 3 times over the last 2 years and not once has this been acknowledged. Our son is the same, he lives alone and works in mental health, his first thought when a neighbour moves in is to do what we do, welcome them. Like us they have never even acknowledged him. Why? How can they be so ignorant to the hand of neighborliness? I need to meet people (hopefully on here) that are likeminded, considerate, thinkers. People who really want to pursue this simple art of happiness, friendship. Please tell me you are out there, can we help each other?
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I wrote my initial message in the hope of finding that I have just been unlucky in all of the bad experiences and shallow people I have come across in life and that there are people here who are, like myself, considerate, thinkers. I am finding some of you are there and hopefully in time I can have my faith in human nature restored. x
Everyone back home is so busy!!!!! with their daily schedules etc. But do not think it is an English problem - other foreign friends I discussed this with said the same about when they return to their countries. I can also email
You sound like a really caring person and full of kindness. People like you do get hurt very easily as most people are only concerned for their own interest and are too busy!!! I think you need another channel to drive your enthusiasm through. Have you ever thought about volunteering in a hospice or homeless shelters ? - I think they really need people like you with so much empathy and you will surely get a lot of satisfaction yourself by giving of yourself.
There are others out there like you - so keep going - you never know how much people may appreciate you without showing it.
I saw your post yesterday but wanted a little time to consider what you have said before making a response. Please understand that I am going to make some assumptions about you, because I do not know you, so I hope you take what I am about to say in the spirit with which it is truly intended and are not offended by my words – let’s call them food for thought as opposed to solutions or judgements.
You strike me as quite a sensitive soul and also as someone who is quite anxious – now there is nothing wrong with either and, often, neither state is the fault of the person who is suffering but they can cause problems generally in life.
It is quite apparent that the trauma and sense of abandonment you experienced whilst in hospital all those years ago has had a deep and long lasting effect on you and, believe me, it is quite understandable that when you are at a low ebb – like now, it rears up to overwhelm you all over again.
I am wondering what your level of self-esteem is like? I deal with a lot of people with lower than average self-esteem, on a regular basis, and one of the key elements of such a low level is that the sufferer often tries to underpin their feelings of worthlessness – for example, you felt abandoned when you were little and now, when you don’t understand why people are not reaching out to you with the hand of friendship, you automatically take yourself back to that time when you felt that no one cared about you – you felt unwanted then and you feel unwanted now – you felt your family didn’t care about you and the reason must be because you’re not worth caring about. That may sound brutal and I probably haven’t articulated it that well but once we are feeling low it is oh so easy to search for the reasons and often the reasons we arrive at are that we are at fault.
The truth of the matter, however, is quite different but making yourself understand and accept that is a difficult thing to fulfil, so don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you are truly struggling.
You clearly are a kind and considerate person, as borne out by your attempts to be neighbourly and, yes, it can be upsetting and frustrating that your thoughtfulness is not reciprocated but let me tell you something - we all lead busy lives and sometimes the sheer effort of getting through each day can take up most of our time and consideration and if, like your new neighbours, I had received a card from you, I would very likely feel that it was incredibly kind but, in the general mish mash of life, it is also quite likely that I would quickly forget your kindness and not thank you – it would not be intentional rudeness but it would mean that I was probably more than a little inconsiderate in the grand scheme of things. So please don’t take this inconsiderate behaviour as a deliberate slight – I’m prepared to bet with everything going on, coupled with moving to a new area – they were too tied up in themselves to consider you! That can feel incredibly hurtful but I doubt if it was deliberate and it certainly wouldn’t be because they thought for one single moment that you couldn’t possibly be a nice person to know.
You say that you want to welcome the world in – of course you do and I bet you have an immense amount to give but, as others have said, the world will not come to you – you need to get yourself out there in the world.
There are many, many ways of doing this but, as I have rambled on enough, that is for another post – so maybe you could give us an idea of any interests you have or, indeed, anything you thought you might like to do and I’m sure the good folks on here can come up with some sterling thoughts and suggestions.
I for my part, do a lot of voluntary work – incredibly rewarding and I have made some lifelong friendships but not, I appreciate, everyone’s cup of tea.
Getting yourself out there is, as I’ve said, the hard bit but, as clichéd as this may sound – a journey of a thousand miles really does begin with the first step.
On-line friendships are a poor substitute for the real thing and may leave you feeling unfulfilled.
Sometimes we just need a kick up the bum.
A similar phenomenon is the idea that "if I can do it then any fool can". NO!!!
Keith
A routine visit to my doctor saved me. He noticed that my old sparkle had gone and asked why? I blurted out that I had been confronted with severe abuse, physical, sexual and emotional from childhood that I had 'locked away' deep inside me.
He put me in touch with a counsellor who, after a few weeks, suggested it might be time to start living my life again.
It was hard, very hard, but I did it. I used CBT, relaxation therapy, yoga and self hypnosis, so I know that it can be done - if you want it.
Having suffered from severe anxiety, depression , agoraphobia and gone through a complete breakdown after a lifetime of terrible abuse, and had more knocks than a knocking shop I can understand this subject very well.
Healing takes different paths for different people, and can only begin when it is the right time for that individual.
While I agree with some things you said happy star you also said you turned to alcohol before starting on the road to recovery...you did that until the time was right for you to start recovering...which was your way of coping .
Georgie Girl may not have reached that point as yet.
Then again some people are never able to fully recover.
While going out and doing different things can lift ours spirits this is not always an option for people with Severe problems, they need compassion and a very carefully tailored approach.
Maybe ending the conversation would be best.
Part of my wording was..I need to know I am not alone, not in the literal sense, but in the sense that I am not alone in my thoughts.
I don't know why happystar decided to then address it in the way she did, however it did make me think of others (unlike me) who may have many problems that restrict them from doing or trying to live a more fulfilling life. If this had in fact been me I would have been very upset and as jeanymay mentioned, comments could be psychologically destructive to others joining this site which could be a lifeline.
Maybe happystar just a little cautious consideration is needed.
Interested though, what do you do talks about?
LittleMinx, you know I really appreciated your message.
Dolly, hope to hear from you again.
xxx
Genuinely "Nice" people do find it hard to understand why people act in this manner, and give nothing of themselves back, or even a thank you. I really hope you find some help here on Silversurfers, and wish you all the best. x