Looking after a grandchild
Watch this postI’m 53 and my partner is 49 and we have lived together for about 3 years. He has a 5 year old grandson whose mother is a lone parent. My partner has always maintained that his looking after children days are over and that apart from the odd stint at babysitting that would be it. He has always said that his daughter chose to have her child so she needs to be responsible for his care. She has been on benefits most of the time since his birth. However, she has now got a part time job in a supermarket which will mean her working every Saturday. She asked my partner if he would look after his grandson every third Saturday from 9.30 to about 3.30 and he has agreed.
Am I being unreasonable to feel cross about this?
I feel that he has moved the goal posts on his stance about child care and her responsibilities. I’m cross that he has agreed to do something that will affect both of us without discussing it with me. We both work full time and so weekends are precious and i feel that this will eat into our weekend. His arguement is that he is helping his daughter in trying to get off benefits and making a better life for her and her son. He says that it will not restrict our weekends as his grandson will have to fit around what we are doing rather than us doing things to fit around him and that if we have something planned then his daughter will have to find alternative childcare for that particular Saturday. He has also said that I will feel differently when i have grandchildren but i would never have agreed to anything like this without talking to him because of the stance that he originally took!! I’m concerned that care will fall to me if he’s doing things like decorating or gardening and i’m not sure i want to do it.
IHope this makes sense…I really would welcome your comments on this as I don’t want it to come between us….it seems that the only time we argue is over his children (i do have 2 of my own)!
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. A decision like this is best discussed beforehand as it will effect both of you, which is why you are feeling cross. Time is precious, especially when you are working full time, however time spent with grandchildren can be very rewarding. The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents can be so special. Hoping you can find a way to work this out without damaging your relationship .. it's good to talk about it and not let resentment build. Best of luck 🙂
Good luck
I get what you say about taking on the family as well as the man but I think its probably less clear cut when the children are already grownups and have moved onto independent lives. I may have felt differently if I had been part of his children's upbringing but they were all adults when we got together.
I do think that my biggest issue was not being asked!! I would not have assumed that he would help look after any children my children may have so I would have expected the same courtesy. Anyway, as always with his flaky children, the job didn't last long so the arrangement fell through quite quickly.
thanks again for responding, regards Wendy x
I originally posted 2 years ago and yes things did work out fine in the end! The actual arrangement didn't last long as his daughter found other work that suited her lifestyle better. His other daughter now has a son and supports her sister in childcare. We still babysit on occasions. Oh and we got married 2 months after that post!
Wendy
I understand your concerns, but discuss your worries with your man, and make it clear you don't mind helping (after all it isn't very often), but make it clear that he agreed to it so therefore must be available.
Hold out a hand to the girl, and maybe you will enjoy it. x
One: I agree with you it would have been nice if your partner had discussed this with you, but it's done now, so talk together to see if you can agree to talk through big decisions together in future.
Two: I think it's lovely that he wants to help his daughter. It's not easy being a single parent, and she is only asking for one day in three weeks - not a massive amount of time. And although you defined the goalposts in your relationship, nothing is fixed in life - we have to adapt to events.
Time spent with grandchildren is so precious, and grandchildren often have a special relationship with grandparents - I'm a grandma myself now, and I cherish the fun I have with my three new little ones. And I still remember very very happy times with my own Nan. She had a box of dressing up clothes for us to play with. She used to let us make strange jam tarts from leftover pastry. She took us to feed the ducks in the park.
How about you could try to look at this as something extra you and your partner can do together? Something that adds to your relationship rather than the opposite.
Although I think it's wrong for your partner to agree to this without consulting you I think it's a small price to pay. There's no reason why having a 5 year old for just 6 hours on a Saturday, so that his daughter can have a job, will disrupt things too much. Would you feel the same if it was your own grandchild for e.g.
My daughter has just returned to work and I have Evie one day a week. I go to their house as it's more child friendly than mine. I absolutely love it. I even gave up my full time job to do so as this has given me the opportunity to wind down in preparation for retirement. I also discussed this with my partner and he had no objection. He has 4 grandchildren and his daughter is also a single mum. When her youngest was born I had a few days off work to help, I offered she didn't ask.
At 57 I've just been offered a part-time job so have an income now too. My partner has just retired so relies on state pension.
I think being a grandparent is a privilege and will do anything to help out. Having Evie once a week gives me the chance to see her grow and develop, if I didn't see her once a week I would miss out on this.
Its quite strange looking back on all the replies to my post which was made quite a time ago. I think at the time I was more aggrieved with the fact that he didn't consult me about his offer to look after his grandson rather than the actual act of looking after him. In practise it hasn't been as onerous as I thought it would be!
Things have moved on...we are now married and my first grandchild is due in August!!
Windyweather x
I've just join silversurfers and after sending my response I realised that your original was old and you had updated it.
So pleased things are working out for you now. I believe I have a special bond with my granddaughter. She is only 10 months old and her face lights up when she sees me. We bring each other such joy and I love her to the moon and back.
I'm impatiently awaiting the arrival of my second granddaughter by my youngest daughter, she is 6 days overdue and I'm pacing the floors most days.
So now on Wednesdays I take Evie to see her auntie and we're hoping the new baby will arrive soon.
Happy grandparenting
Viv
Regarding your concerns about being left holding the baby so to speak are understandable but surely the decorating, gardening etc are things the little one can 'help Grandad' with and become an enjoyable time for you all!?
Hope you all reach a happy conclusion x
Thanks for your reply.
We are currently on babysitting duty twice a month and I am sometimes off getting my hair done LOL!! Have to say that OH hasn't let looking after his grandson get in the way of things we want to do and it seems to be working out ok. I quite like the idea of ending the visit with dinner..I might suggest that to him. It was the lack of consultation that rankled the most and I think I've made my point there.
OH now has a new grandson from his other daughter so this one could run and run!!
best wishes
Windyweather x
If you value your relationship don't make a big deal out of this for you may lose what you wish to hang onto. Make an effort to have a relationship with the child and you may be rewarded with something that is priceless..........the love of a child. Best wishes. Andre.
What a lovely reply..thank you! I know in my heart of hearts that i was unreasonable just as I know he should have talked it through first!
Things have moved on a little as we only have his grandson about once a month now. I am starting to enjoy it but still find it difficult to remember how to keep a small person amused lol!!
Thanks for taking time to comment x
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances and can understand that my post must have touched a nerve. I will take time to think about your comments as I did ask for people's opinions , warts and all! I hope that in time your daughter sees fit to allow you in your grandchildren's lives or that they seek you out when they are old enough to do so.
Kind Regards
Windyweather x
How has it all worked out?
How did your wedding go? I hope it was everything you expected it to be and more. Have you gone on Honeymoon?
We had a beautiful day despite the awful weather, we had all our family and friends there and it was just lovely. Everyone was so happy and relaxed and chatty. We went off 2 days later on a wonderful cruise to The Canary Islands, Madeira and Portugal, and we could not have wished for a lovelier holiday. I do hope you have had as wonderful time as we have had. I look forward to hearing about it hopefully soon. Bye for now Cathy. 😎 🙂
thought I had replied to your post but I can't see it so don't know what happened! The day was lovely, the weather was great and everyone seemed to have a good time. WE went to Benalmadena for a week which was sooo hot! We usually have our holiday in June not July so the difference in temp was noticeable. Lovely place though, my OH has been before as he plays golf there but I hadn't been. We're now trying to come up with a special holiday for OH's 50th birthday in January.
Wendy x
Congratulations on your wedding..you must be getting quite excited now its so close! Have you chosen to have a big 'do' or just a small gathering?
We get married on 4th July. I had a succesful shopping trip thanks. Managed to get my dress, shoes and some jewellery as well.
The babysitting experience went okay i think...although he did look knackered I have to say!!
My partner used to run the Bank of Dad but i think I've helped him to see the error of his ways on that front and his kids have stopped asking to be bailed out now on the financial front. I think I managed to make him see that he wasn't doing them any favours and they weren't actually learning any life lessons by him keep helping them when they ran into money problems.
I have to say though that he is a really lovely man and I'm glad that we found each other 😀 😀
Hope your day goes well and the sun shines for you x 🙂 😀
Good luck with your shopping this weekend, you are just embarking on a journey I have just done :-).
I get married on 29th May to a wonderful man who like your partner thinks I am hard where my daughter is concerned! He has 4 children and is extremely soft with all of them. They are all grown up now but still come to Bank of Dad!!! which annoys me immensely but for the sake of peace and quiet I now ignore it. I think you have done the right thing allowing your partner to be on his own for the first babysitting Saturday , I expect he will thoroughly enjoy the experience. I do hope things work out for you. Good Luck with the Wedding, when is it? 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and pointing out the positives of this arrangement. I do think its the lack of discussion that has peeved me the most and I think he gets that now.
I think only time will tell as to how much this takes over our weekends. My partner still seems to think that he can do the things he wants to do while looking after his grandson. This Saturday will be the first time that he will be child minding...it will be interesting as I have arranged to be out all day l ooking for my wedding dress LOL!! 😀
I think its probably that we met late in life and havent had children. together...we would have spent all our time arguing as I think he's too soft on his kids and he thinks I'm a hard woman!!
😀 😀