Relationship break downs
Watch this postFamily wars often result in the grandparent-grandchild relationship being fractured. This can be enormously upsetting as well as disruptive for the children involved, it’s also worryingly common. What experience have you had of this?
Log in to comment
You need to be logged in to interact with Silversurfers. Please use the button below if you already have an account.
LoginNot a member?
You need to be a member to interact with Silversurfers. Joining is free and simple to do. Click the button below to join today!
JoinCommunity Terms & Conditions
Content standards
These content standards apply to any and all material which you contribute to our site (contributions), and to any interactive services associated with it.
You must comply with the spirit of the following standards as well as the letter. The standards apply to each part of any contribution as well as to its whole.
Contributions must:
be accurate (where they state facts); be genuinely held (where they state opinions); and comply with applicable law in the UK and in any country from which they are posted.
Contributions must not:
contain any material which is defamatory of any person; or contain any material which is obscene, offensive, hateful or inflammatory; or promote sexually explicit material; or promote violence; promote discrimination based on race, sex, religion, nationality, disability, sexual orientation or age; or infringe any copyright, database right or trade mark of any other person; or be likely to deceive any person; or be made in breach of any legal duty owed to a third party, such as a contractual duty or a duty of confidence; or promote any illegal activity; or be threatening, abuse or invade another’s privacy, or cause annoyance, inconvenience or needless anxiety; or be likely to harass, upset, embarrass, alarm or annoy any other person; or be used to impersonate any person, or to misrepresent your identity or affiliation with any person; or give the impression that they emanate from us, if this is not the case; or advocate, promote or assist any unlawful act such as (by way of example only) copyright infringement or computer misuse.
Nurturing a safe environment
Our Silversurfers community is designed to foster friendships, based on trust, honesty, integrity and loyalty and is underpinned by these values.
We don't tolerate swearing, and reserve the right to remove any posts which we feel may offend others... let's keep it friendly!
I think there are probably lots of Grandparents in this situation, and, yes, maybe we should form a club!
My daughter and her 2 daughters (my Granddaughters) came to live with us after a relationship break down to hopefully get a new start and since we lived about 250 miles apart was ideal. In October 2012 we had to ask her to leave since we was raising the children and she was behaving like a single woman. The girls stayed with us and I told her to get sorted with accommodation then we will help sort her house out so her and her daughters can be together again. Within the month she was in a relationship and pregnant with her 3rd child from a 3rd man so I was not happy. I didn't like the set up and knowing she would not cope being pregnant and looking after 2 girls told her to see the girls as much as she wants and wait till she gives birth,
Her visits were sporadic to say the least and the longest spell without seeing them was just short of 1 YEAR yes 1 year.
The oldest girls father became aware of the situation with his parents (her paternal Grandparents) and she ended up going to live with them which since we had no parental responsibility and Social Services agreed we had no choice. After this we wanted to safeguard the youngest since my daughter can be ill tempered and only thinks of herself. We have known her smack the eldest and shout at her and we didn't want this plus the mental cruelty she pours on to them be done to her.
We went to court to obtain a Residency Order and even a SGO and after about 3 years the courts with the assistance of Social Services gave custody of my bright, clean, happy and intelligent Granddaughter to her Mother with us having access every 2 weeks. This was granted because they couldn't prove any ill treatment had occurred even though it was documented via her home towns Social Services and of course anything we said was ignored and because at the time of her being spoken to (age 4) she was not considered to know her own mind.
I phone her every 2 days for a chat (she's nearly 5) and she always cries and wants to come home to us. We have her this weekend and the house was full with all her friends and a surprise visit from her dad who travelled for 6 and a half hours by car to see her and when he said he had to go because he's got to go to work she cried. SHE NEVER CRIES FOR HER MOTHER.
So I ask the community why does the powers that be have the right to put a child into an unsafe environment that she doesn't want to be in and hates and take her away from the people that love her the most in the world and who have raised her since she was 8 months old! to be put back to her mother whose sole consideration is how much CTC & CBen she gets and her partner who she doesn't like as he's always shouting and their new son who takes priority over her and his other daughter when she visits.
Sorry for its length but it's more complicated than that and this is the condensed version. To be blunt we do not trust my Daughter or her Partner with my Granddaughter and afraid something may happen to her which we mentioned after the court case to the Social Workers their answer was "You got our number or call childline" so she has to be physically hurt before anyone will do anything!
One very unhappy Grandparent.
My son texts me and asks if I can stop by to visit only when his wife is at work. He works nights. She works days. I just don't understand why when she is home he buries his head in the phone and clearly doesn't want me in his home. This wouldn't bother me but for the fact that my grandson also texts me and says he misses me. And is looking forward to seeing me on the weekends he is with his dad and step mom.
I end up crying into the night and feeling very badly for my grandson. His father works tonight and tomorrow into the morning. I don't understand why I felt afraid to ask if I could see my grandson while his dad is at work. His step mom has an 18 month old baby and I would love to visit them as well.
But know ing the answer would be NO, with eye rolling and attitude I just stayed quiet. When the pizza delivery guy dropped off their pizza I let myself out in a polite manner.
When I got to my car I wept all the way home. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel this way?
Before my son met this young lady he would allow me to take my grandson for an entire day. I took him to wave parks, and for walks, and lunches out, even movies and bowling.
Once he met this person almost all visits with my grandson were denied. The child suffers. And I struggle with not knowing the best thing to do for this wonderful 12 year old boy.
Ive thought about moving out of Va to Md because I feel that perhaps this is happening because I live to close. When my son bought his house one of her parents moved in and helped him with his mortgage. At The same time my son asked me to move closer to their new home. I did this and I've regretted the 2 years that I've lived only 20 minutes away. I feel like if I lived farther away he might be less uptight.
At this point I've dealt with his wife's silliness.
One day about a year ago she told my son that I gave her a mean look. I wasn't able to see my grandson for 6 months. I would be crazy to give her a mean look. I would not do anything stupid to give her a reason not to let me visit. Are any other grandparents experiencing this and watching their grandkids grow up from a distance.
I tried to prepare my grandson and explained to him that I was thinking about moving to Md where a lot of my old friends live but he became very sad and asked me to stay close by. I was surprised at his reaction. He hides his feelings when my son's wife is around. He seems afraid to upset her. So what I thought was normal detachment from me was just him hiding his feelings of happiness when I stop by.
I always ask first before a visit and I make sure my visits are short. What else can I do to make this easier for my grandson?
I have no hope to be close to my younger grandson. When my son placed him in my arms a few weeks ago, at a soccer game, his wife snatched him away from me. This was embarrassing because we were watching my older grandson playing defense and I were standing in front of the bleachers.
The other parents and family members saw her snatch the baby from me. I am guessing she was in the bathroom when my son handed me their baby. And I guess when she saw me holding him, it struck a nerve.
But I can't imagine why. I know she gets jealous when my son gives his eldest son attention but I am just a gramma. There's nothing to be jealous of because I'm not there much and I don't want my son's attention. I just want to visit my grandson and love him.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm worried about my grandson and I have given up ever being close to the baby.
I feel alone with these thoughts of sadness. I live alone and don't date. I have a little dog that I'm curling up with now. I don't know what I would do without the comfort of my sweet little dog.
We were then written off for 2 yrs.No word,calls,nothing.We had no idea how our GD was doing,and in that time,my daughter had another baby (another girl)and we did'nt get to see her until she was 18mths old.Our daughter made amends,and I just hope and pray it never happens again.The heartache it caused us was beyond words.I had days where I did'nt want to get out of bed,became unsociable,and felt very sad all the time.
But, ......we've been invited to the 3rd babies baptism!!! After 7 years of silence..POW!
Holding my breath...had gotten to where I felt like I had no meaning. Couldn't even feel joy..really couldn't feel anything..just wanted to hide in my house. Got some much needed counseling. 3 years of work...but the sun is starting to shine..I'm not counting on the baptism to be more than..here watch this, now leave. I'm prepared for that. Honestly, its be easier at this point to not be involved. I've kinda found myself. I dont NEED them to survive now. Nervous about the whole issue coming up. I know it could set me back...but I'm not afraid anymore..nervous but not afraid. The sun will shine tomorrow, too.
>
Family wars often result in the grandparent-grandchild relationship being fractured. This can be enormously upsetting as well as disruptive for the children involved, it's also worryingly common. What experience have you had of this?
They were young but of school age so sometimes I would go to the playground and watch them play I would also put a photo of me with them in my bag to show anyone who became suspicious of me, as soon as they saw me they would run over calling me nanny so obviously that was also proof of who I was.
It wasn't much but knowing I could see them and talk to them eased my pain a little, obviously I was lucky as they lived not to far away.
But it is heartbreaking knowing your own child has that power over you and can hurt you so deeply.