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authordave
12th Feb 2019 17:19:29
0
Thanks for voting!
This is quite a common reaction. If you want to know why and what to do, then read my book 'The Sophisticated Alcoholic'.
David46
14th Aug 2018 21:46:33
0
Thanks for voting!
Very difficult for you, have you tried talking to your GP. He won't talk directly to you because if confidentiality but he might pick up on it if your husband visits him for whatever reason. Your husband's liver might be suffering a little and that could show on a routine blood test.
Other than that you need him to acknowledge that he has a problem.
Do you know why he drinks so much, maybe work related stress
Response from Swanleyjon made on 18th Nov 2018 21:18:14
I agree David.the drinker has to admit that they have a problem and want help.

Apparently AA do have family groups where I imagine someone living with a problem drinker could go and ask advice/tell their experiences to others.

I feel desperately sorry for the spouse/partner of a problem drinker .Life must be very difficult for them
jan19512003
16th Sep 2018 18:23:33
0
Thanks for voting!
I come from a family of alcoholics. MY father was also a drug addict, as was my eldest daughter. My younger brothers and my mother were all heavy drinkers. Both my sisters drink too much but would never admit to having a problem. My eldest daughter got herself clean and sober for six and half years, before picking up again and I lost her to suicide in January 2015. I have five suicides in my family, my brother drank himself to death at age 54. His organs practically burst out of his body. My grandchildren (four out of six were born with FASD (Foetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder). This can distort facial features, and the children usually have Special Needs, educational and otherwise. I understand this forum is for over fifties, (I am 67). But I cannot believe how common this disease is in all age groups. My childhood boyfriend has recently informed me that he is alcohol dependant too. This makes me so, so sad. I used to enjoy a drink, but my family members become extremely obnoxious on drink. I've seen homes being smash up, people being battered etc. I wish I had a magic wand to make all this right. I do not see my family now although they live close by (I am in touch with nieces and nephews). I wait until I'm out of the country to have a drink, and then its usually one or two. I couldn't cope with hangovers, but I understand you don't get hangovers once you reach the point of alcohol dependency.
Hannah0318
1st Sep 2018 10:36:08
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi angela I’m having a similar problem but my husband drinks beer evernight.. We are also in our 60’s. & the drinking depresses me & makes me feel like I’m the reason he-drinks. I quick drinking when our children were young but he continued. I’m a retired nurse & also worry about the health effects from the daily alcohol consumption. Not to mention that it doesn’t bring much happiness to our marriage or home life. He has only drinking friends. I have only friend that dont & our social circles is shrinking because of all this. Feeling helpless & alone. Wish I had some good advice to help you with.
Jeannie 49
9th Apr 2018 11:48:30
0
Thanks for voting!
Any new posts on here ,all the chats are old
12michael
25th Sep 2017 12:08:50
0
Thanks for voting!
I am a member of CAMRA , but since I have been diagnosed with Diabetes 2 , I have cut back.
How did I get found out, I had been working a beer festival and tried 39 different beers , and had a blood test at my surgery , the result to what would have been a basic health check meant that health check could not be done , so I had see one of practice nurses who then prescribed metformin tablets for the diabetes I have a blood test level of around 6.8%.
I still enjoy the odd beer but not large amounts, the diabetes made me rethink about things due to high sugar levels in alcoholic drinks.
VivienneS5
23rd Mar 2017 11:27:57
0
Thanks for voting!
Hi angela.
As a person who lived with a man who was dependent on alcohol all i can advise is......if the person acknowledges that they have an issue with drink you are halfway there......if they dont want to change im afraid you have to find a way to live with it or take the decision to live a seperate life either wuth your husband or not. Best of luck.
cloudless13
1st Feb 2017 10:40:18
2
Thanks for voting!
I am not a horrible man, far from it I worked with people for people the last 22 years of my working life. Yet I don't get this site at all, people post then you don't see them again. If someone asks for help or a warm blanket to help them through hard times please stay and talk to people.
cloudless13
25th Jan 2017 11:26:12
2
Thanks for voting!
Dear Angel48...
I am sad that you have posted yet are not replying, there is nothing to feel embarrassed about here, no one will ever know who you really are. Looks like people who have responded are showing out reached hands for you to hold, listen to, talk to.
I hope you are OK???
cloudless13
25th Jan 2017 11:23:22
1
Thanks for voting!
Dear Hawk2017
I have total respect towards you, firstly for taking it one day at a time, secondly for fronting up on a forum like this... One day at a time, builds to two then on and on, we then look back and the years have passed. Yet we still have to do it one day at a time.

If you ever want a good old chin wag I would welcome it as also followed the path of broken glass, now 26 years.
beader1
24th Dec 2016 12:13:14
1
Thanks for voting!
I was married for over 33 years and my husband and I drank almost every night. Not more than a bottle each! Or socially each night with friends in the pub. We never considered ourselves alcoholics, it was just something we did. We parted about 10 years ago and I lost most of our friends. So I drank at home mostly out of boredom. I hated the lack of control. I cut down slowly, 1 night not drinking 1 night with 2 glasses of wine and sometimes back to the bottle! I now only drink socially and then at the max 2 glasses. I wouldn't class myself as an alcoholic but perhaps I was?????

When you have your home and life around you and have a pattern of things you do it can be hard to motivate yourself. I found it too easy to sit in the evenings and relax over a glass of wine.
Response from cloudless13 made on 25th Jan 2017 11:17:36
Sadly dear beader1 you and your husband both did have a problem with drinking. Alcoholic, very possible indeed.

I will let myself be unguarded a little here. I am an expert in the field of this area. So many people drink each day, or evening or a few times a week and are the last people in the world to think or admit to having a problem. Almost all alcoholics are in denial until they hit the very very bottom of their lives. Many drink to cover up feelings, many develop or already have mental health problems. Its a legal drug one can use to numb, elate or use to get through life. Its starts slowly, dependence builds slowly, yet people don't see what is happening.

The only way someone can become clean totally clean so as not to relapse is never to drink again, full stop.... Think of the smoker, I will cut down slowly, they get to maybe 5 or 10 a day from 20.... booooom its soon up to 20 again... same as drink you have to stop completely.

So there it is in black and white, you are either a social drinker who can just use it once and a while, or you tread the other side of the line.... sorry but the truth hurts.
Lionel
18th Dec 2016 00:50:15
2
Thanks for voting!
Having just read your post Minxie, it seems it might be helpful to open up here.

I'm the son of an alcoholic.

My father was formerly a ship's master in the Merchant Navy, and later he became an antique dealer and restorer after leaving the MN. He was a hugely successful drunk; everyone in his milleu drank prodigious quantities of alcohol. Father's minimum ration at home was a 40oz (two pint) bottle of Haig whisky; and on top of that there were boozy lunches, afternoon meetings, cocktail parties and of course, dinner parties topped off with enormous night caps at home. We had a very large flat in South Kensington, a fine part of London and there were bottles stashed all over the place. But he never seemed to be drunk.

He was a big built man, a foot taller than I ever reached, and he was powerful too, as I found out.

My mother was a lot like Maureen Lipman, she even looked like her. Yes, she too was a Jewish lady, but even she could not overcome the self destructive mindset my father had. Yes, it is self destruction for a reason no one else may ever understand. The alcohol, I believe, makes life bearable, but ... alcohol is a wayward mistress. She becomes ever more demanding of the person to deliver the relief they seek.

I believe there is a well hidden reason why people drink themselves into oblivion. Few, if any, will ever plumb the depths of that truth. The reason is so deep and so dark they will never reveal it. Indeed, after years of drinking, do they even remember it? I don't know.

My father died aged 69, pickled every organ it is possible to pickle. Smoked his chest into submission as well. Sometimes, in my quiet times, I wonder ... if only I'd known him, the real man. Now knowing what he went through in the War, he was hell of a man, the like of which I can never be. Was the War the reason?

I drink, but moderately, mostly home brew stuff. I am ever conscious of what alcohol did to my father. The road of dependency is not for me.

What may one do if one has an alcoholic spouse? My mother stood by her man. It did him no good, but she could shut her eyes for the last time with a clear conscience.

My first wife was addicted to Vallium 10, a chemical straight jacket. Stayed with her 22 years. My second wife, a very strong and dear lady, has had a hell of a battle with me; she needed to convince me not all women are addicted to Valium 10. Not all women are so violent, erratic or so, well scatter brained or useless.

My dear lady won that battle a long time ago. She won it by being a constant example of goodness and wholesomeness.

What would I now say to wives of alcoholic men?

I would say, begin to step aside, begin to build something for yourself, apart from your spouse. I say this because, unless he has a light bulb in head moment and stops drinking, you'll be left in a most terrible place. My mother didn't step aside from my father - that generation just didn't do that. After he died, she was ridden with guilt - she could have done more, and she took that to her grave.

Such is the effect of an addiction. No one around that person is left untouched.
Response from Hawk2017 made on 23rd Jan 2017 12:37:46
I realize I am newbie here, however in reading this about alcohol I could not but reply to
the statement that "alcoholics never recover'...I am writing from 34 years of sobriety, I have
recovered, I have never, not once, gone back to the bottle...this is thanks to AA and my
God as I know him....It is true that many do go back, or don't even try to get off the bottle,
but that does not mean all of us are hopeless....with respect.....
Response from Yodama made on 23rd Jan 2017 13:08:05
It must have taken guts and determination to do what you did Hawk2017, I think this is a highly emotive subject. As you so rightly say, there are many who don't make it. but there are those who come out the other end, thankful for doing so.
The reasons for drinking in the first place seem to be myriad, recognising the problem and dealing with it is key.
You had the strength of character to see it through to this day, and no you certainly don't sound hopeless.
You have my respect.
Response from Lionel made on 23rd Jan 2017 14:34:53
Hawk, I too congratulate you on being booze free for 34 years. The courage to recognise you were dependent, the strength to battle and that faith which carries you forward to victory is indespensible.

I too know a little of the power of this God, but in other circumstances. But for Him ~I would not be here now.
cloudless13
29th Dec 2016 15:32:16
0
Thanks for voting!
Hello Angel48.
The question is, what happens when your husband does not have a drink for a few days, can he go that long without having a drink. If he does what happens. Has he said to you that he is an alcoholic, thinks he has a problem. I only ask this as you have said above you even tired AA. Did you mean he attended it? If so what happened.
You say you are at your wits end and its making you unwell. May I ask you a complete stranger I know, is it his behavior towards you when he drinks or maybe before he starts his evening drinking. Why do you think he needs to drink.
Joanielee
11th Sep 2016 10:45:47
2
Thanks for voting!
Hi, I am so sorry to hear what your going through, I can empathise, I was that person I was drinking a bottle, sometimes 2, of wine nightly, my excuse, I was alone after divorce, I began to feel lifeless, very ill, my body wasn't functioning at all, but I still drank, I have not been to AA or other, I looked at pictures on internet of damaged liver, I saw why I had pain in my liver, I read about the damage the drink was/had done to me, I cut down ....best way rather than cold turkey....till now I have 2 maybe 3 bottles a week...and honestly, I will cut down more, its a slow process, its neccassary if I wanna live a wee bit longer lol,, show him/ask him to look and read, it worked for me, God Bless, I hope it works for you/him x
Response from Jessica10 made on 11th Sep 2016 16:44:00
Well done Joanielee, keep it up
Response from Yodama made on 18th Dec 2016 10:01:17
All respect to you JoanieLee. It is a big mountain to climb, the view from the top is fantastic.xx
Response from Lionel made on 18th Dec 2016 17:34:51
Minxie, that is your best and most understanding post ever. And I thank you for it, as, I think, will others we will never know.

Your poem says it all, Minxie, but few in real need will read it or take on board what it says. But, then again, there will be many people who dip into SS and read our two posts. People who would not otherwise seek help elsewhere but a clue, a word of these posts may point them in their right direction.

It is far less sad for me; I'm the scion of my mother's line - even have the short legs to prove it! - but most certainly not of my father's line. His passions and indulgences are not mine. Oh, at college I got drunk a few times, and rolled home to find father in a far worse state than me. But once employed in the London wine trade went tee-total for twenty five years. These days, I take a little and put the stopper in the bottle.

Alcoholism is ususally written off as a social malfunction covered by alcohol. It is not! In each alcoholic there is something so horrific, perhaps some things, that shape and colour their view of the world and their place in it. Something they can barely admit to themselves without a back pack of guilt descending upon them. They are inadequates only in that their burden drags them back to that horrific time; a time only dulled by alcohol. They become acceptable in a particular strata of society because they've numbed their demons, until the next drink is needed. And so it goes on and on.

The highly pressurized society in which we now live is producing more alcoholics than our generation ever did. Why? One is my stepson, a £150,000 a year computer man who drinks Scotch like it is water. My father drank that stuff. They can't cope with life and the inside of a bottle is a better prospect than the outside. This same society is producing more drug addicts than ever before. Why? They can't cope with ordinary life without a chemical aid. After a while, that chemical aid has removed them from normal society and desposited them in the drug culture of buying and selling those aids.

What a world we live in?

My wife and I were discussing the question, would you like to be young again, but in this time? Our shared answer is, no, no, no ... I've seen enough already, the future is not for us to comtemplate because we don't have any terms of reference.

No one who is not an alcoholic has any terms of reference for dealing with this horrible affliction. My enduring advice to them is, step away, build a place for yourself, because alcoholics don't recover, no, only relapse!
Response from Yodama made on 18th Dec 2016 19:19:18
Thank you for your kind words Lionel.
Yodama
18th Dec 2016 09:51:16
1
Thanks for voting!
That was some post Lionel, it is sad that as a young boy you had to deal with this instead of just being a boy. It has touched you in the worst way and left your mother in a terrible state.
I too wonder why and (as you so rightly say) who the real person is.

Who or what are they trying to drown within? There are so very many families who are damaged by this. I include drug addiction in this picture.

My five children grew up in this same hell as I did. They were constantly on guard. watchful and tense, old before their time. They are left with scar's that will not heal. My ex died young, also pickled, without his children around him, it could have been all so different.

Why is it some people can drink and not become dependent and others use alcohol in the most destructive way?
The book I mentioned is a good guide as to why, I hope Angel48 reads it.

I found this poem, I have made an adjustment or two.

Al – The Consummate Thief

First, he will introduce you to laughter and merriment and take away your troubles and worries.
He will then empty your pockets and your bank account.
He will purloin your dignity and standing in the community
Not satisfied he will then remove your confidence and possessions and introduce you to depression and hopelessness.

Your job and home will be easy pickings for him
Finally, triumphantly he will remove your wife, your children and friends.
And when you have nothing and nowhere to go and no self esteem or pride left,

He will take your health and life.
And long after you are dead and gone, he will take the last vestige of your being, the memory of your good name
People will utter your name with derision as “That drunk, did it to himself/herself you know, I have no pity for him/her” “he/she destroyed not only himself/herself but his/her family too”

“Yes” Al say’s with smug satisfaction, “another sucker”
Laughing all the way to the next pub, Mr Alcohol or Al as we call him goes blithely to meet his next victim.

If you should meet him, take him in small doses and with a clear mind. Beware he is very subtle.
Response from Lionel made on 18th Dec 2016 17:37:49
Got this reply in the right place, I think!

Minxie, that is your best and most understanding post ever. And I thank you for it, as, I think, will others we will never know.

Your poem says it all, Minxie, but few in real need will read it or take on board what it says. But, then again, there will be many people who dip into SS and read our two posts. People who would not otherwise seek help elsewhere but a clue, a word of these posts may point them in their right direction.

It is far less sad for me; I'm the scion of my mother's line - even have the short legs to prove it! - but most certainly not of my father's line. His passions and indulgences are not mine. Oh, at college I got drunk a few times, and rolled home to find father in a far worse state than me. But once employed in the London wine trade went tee-total for twenty five years. These days, I take a little and put the stopper in the bottle.

Alcoholism is ususally written off as a social malfunction covered by alcohol. It is not! In each alcoholic there is something so horrific, perhaps some things, that shape and colour their view of the world and their place in it. Something they can barely admit to themselves without a back pack of guilt descending upon them. They are inadequates only in that their burden drags them back to that horrific time; a time only dulled by alcohol. They become acceptable in a particular strata of society because they've numbed their demons, until the next drink is needed. And so it goes on and on.

The highly pressurized society in which we now live is producing more alcoholics than our generation ever did. One is my stepson, a £150,000 a year computer man who drinks Scotch like it is water. My father drank that stuff. Why? They can't cope with life and the inside of a bottle is a better prospect than the outside. This same society is producing more drug addicts than ever before. Why? They can't cope with ordinary life without a chemical aid. After a while, that chemical aid has removed them from normal society and desposited them in the drug culture of buying and selling those aids.

What a world we live in?

My wife and I were discussing the question, would you like to be young again, but in this time? Our shared answer is, no, no, no ... I've seen enough already, the future is not for us to comtemplate because we don't have any terms of reference.

No one who is not an alcoholic has any terms of reference for dealing with this horrible affliction. My enduring advice to them is, step away, build a place for yourself, becuase alcoholics don't recover, no, only relapse!
Response from Yodama made on 18th Dec 2016 19:01:28
As to why this is happening Lionel, I do believe, in spite of all the material wealth, success and warp speed pace of life, we are all intrinsically unhappy. It is an unhappiness you can't put your finger on.
All of us are connected in the Universe, humans, plants animals, we are connected, string particles and waves.
The EPR paradox introduced by Einstein, Poldolsky and Rosen shows this in Entanglement in Quantum Mechanics .
There is so much bloodshed, crime, corruption, control and suppression in the world, that on a sub-atomic level, a super-conscious level outside of normal consciousness, all humanity is feeling the pain.

Since they don't recognise it on a conscious level. This leads to confusion of thought and pain unrecognised.

A deep seated need to "make it better" may result in reaching for anything to cope with it and dull the pain. This may be alcohol, drugs, or an addiction to anything, even shoes.

Unless mankind comes to realise we are one organism, and to hurt one part will by default hurt all parts the future is chilling.

As things are, mankind is on an evolutionary journey to higher consciousness. It is incumbent upon all to help the all to reach this next step, wars must stop, people must be allowed their freedoms for it to succeed.
Most of all, the most powerful of all is LOVE, love of all things be it human or nature or galaxies.
SPREAD THE LOVE.
Well I think so anyway!
Yodama
17th Dec 2016 23:26:02
2
Thanks for voting!
It seems as if you are suffering such a lot of mental anguish Angel48. My heart is sad for you.
The stress of your situation will affect your health sooner or later. I feel for you as I was married to an alcoholic. All my time was spent worrying about.. HIM... questioning his motives and myself, asking why, why, why? Hiding booze, turning into a crazy person. EVERTHING was centred around him.

It is time you start looking after yourself, go out with friends, make your life as happy as you can,even if there is a heavy place in the pit of your stomach.
There is absolutely nothing you can do about his drinking habit. It will be he and he alone who makes the decision to stop. He is a grown man, he knows what he is doing.

The more you talk to him about it, the angrier he will become, and may exacerbate the problem.

Stop.....Pretend it is not happening and pay yourself some attention.

There is a very interesting book by Dr Eric Berne (Games People Play) about Game Theory and why and what rewards drinkers and alcoholics get from this behaviour.
You are in a never ending "Karpmans Triangle" of, persecutor, victim, rescuer at different times.
This triangle must be broken!
You can change the dynamics of this " Game" by ignoring the drinking and start doing things you like.
Talk to a therapist, they will help you work on yourself.
I eventually divorced, he played his "game" harder and it became life or death for me.
I wish you strength and courage to take the step.xx
Jessica10
9th Sep 2016 17:06:31
0
Thanks for voting!
Sadly I have been there too with my husband and as everyone else says, there isn't a lot you can do. My husband came to his senses eventually, after a nasty shock at the hospital, and he is like a different person but they are the ones that have to want to change. No matter what I tried, nothing had any effect. I often think of the years I wasted. Please feel free to have a private chat with me as I'm really happy to chat
Response from bobo5000 made on 9th Sep 2016 21:54:01
Hi Jessica glad to hear your husband came to his senses my husband has not had a a are yet I hate to say it but I wish something minor would happen just enough to scare him to quit but I've given up hope it's been 20 years of drinking so sad I know I'm wasting my life I should be done something a long time ago but like I said he's fine during the day retired from his job 3 years ago the only difference is he doesn't have to get up early so He drinks a lot more it's his body and life and yes he has to decide to do so thing about it
bobo5000
8th Sep 2016 18:26:44
0
Thanks for voting!
My husband drinks too he starts at 11pm and drinks till 5pm it was easier when he worked now he's retired it's worse we have tried to get him help he goes crazy we can't travel because he doesn't get up till 1 why? Cause he drinks all night have to be home at 11 pm cause that's when he starts drinking no one knows this secret except my kids who are grown One is married the other is at unIversity kids say leave why are you with him well I don't know and don't know where to go it's easier said then done I don't want to live alone during the day it's normal we shop go on trips etc. He only drinks at night I go to sleep he sits downstairs and watches tv all night the toll it's taking on his body is his problem I don't bother trying to change him if something happens it's on him not me anyway wish to chat I'm here bo
Marley444
26th Apr 2016 10:52:38
0
Thanks for voting!
I have a daughter at University and am increasingly concerned about how much alcohol is consumed by her and her friends, and on a regular basis too. I have recently found when she comes home on a break, she is very keen to have a drink most evenings ... on the positive side she has never dabbled with drugs, unlike many of her old friends, so I am glad of that, however I do worry about her drinking. Does anyone else feel the same?
Brabs43
18th Mar 2016 15:20:52
1
Thanks for voting!
Please detach and seek some help and support for YOURSELF. You cannot fix him he is the only one that can do that and hopefully he will but in the meantime you should not be the subject of his abuse.
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