"really" making new friends!

Hi Lily,
I’ve joined groups and felt like an outsider . I’m still pretty shy initially so it’s particularly hard for me. I joined a line dancing group and they were so friendly and I made a special friendship there.
I’ve since moved house so I’m hoping line dancing will work for me again. The first few visits are always scary for me.

Hi Lily
Since moving to Tennessee to be near my daughter and grandchildren, I have found it VERY difficult to make friends. Is it because I am not part of a couple? I have tried Meet-up (no response back), tried joining in a neighborhood get together (never asked back). My real estate agent sent out neighborhood invites to a "welcome to the neighborhood" party - no one showed up. It goes on and on.
I am thinking of moving back to NJ,
Linda

Hi,
I know how you feel! I would suggest trying a Meet Up group in whatever topic appeals to you in your area. If you go on their website and put in your postcode/area and distance you are willing to travel it will show all the groups available and you can join whichever appeals to you. It has saved my sanity several times as something to look forward to, to break up the loneliness. I haven't managed to arrange a one to one get together after a meeting but at least people who attend are willing to talk to you (that is the point of the organisation) and none of the walking ones I have attended have included people who have come together. On the walking ones, if there is a pub at the end of the walk they tend to meet up there (it makes such a nice difference from everyone scuttling off immediately).
Good luck!
Christine

Absolutely! Already started by joining Silversurfers too

Hi Lilly49 I found the same thing years ago as a very young mum trying to make friends at a play group. Maybe it's a British thing, but it is always lovely to meet friendly people so keep trying,

Hi Lily
I am a member of U3A and though I am not very sociable it sort of worked for me and I did make some friends in Life Art and Politics and I ran some groups myself. It worked and could have worked more had I wanted it since I know of others who do find outside acquaintances to do things with. If you like we can correspond. How old are you? I am over 80 but young in spirit and provocative when I feel like it at the meetings or get togethers.
Where are you? I am in London and a member of the North London Group. There are lots of them scattered through the city and if one doen't give you what you want then try another. Or start a group yourself on a matter that interests you. That is a good way to meet people but do not expect too much of them to start with. It takes time. Please let me know if you would like to take things further with me. I am always amenable and pretty flexible.
All the best
Esther
Esther

This is awful Lily and I do feel your pain. Especially at this time when family and friends are so important. I myself have enjoyed a busy working life with lots if activities and with one fell swoop all has been taken away due to circumstances (wont go into it here) but I am sorry now I did not take the time to cultivate and value friendships in the past. I have learned a very sad lesson. I wish you well

I was at an age where it was difficult to meet people often enough and long enough to create a friendship. I also joined lots of groups.
A few years ago a new WI opened in my town and I was one of the first to join. after a few weeks I joined the committee and made 3 wonderful friends, I also saw other members bond and make friendships. Unfortunately the WI folded but I still regularly meet up for lunch with 6 others and we email and phone each other all the time.
we all joined to make new friends, and we did

I have only had difficulty making friends in the the south of UK. I too was married to a serviceman. I served 5 yrs in the WRAF he served almost 25 yrs.

One thing I learned on married quarters was everyone needs help at sometime. When in our own houses, one in Kent and three in Nottinghamshire, I always approached my neighbours by asking about bin collection and milkmen, shops etc. I also went to new people in our street (when we were established in the area) with a welcome to your new home card and told them about binmen etc.. It worked for me. I also helped out at youth club and fete committees, helped with church functions without going to church and with groups our children joined.

I now live in Cyprus and I have ex pat and local friends. I am on the committee for C3A (Cyprus U3A) and a member of the C3A book group and lead the C3A family history group, I am making friends there now.

My last 2 sets of UK next door neighbours, one from the 1980s the other 1990s, have both come here to see us and we live round the corner from a couple who were at our wedding almost 50 years ago.

I found that offering to help brings people to you and creates good friendships but in Chatham I couldn't break through even helping out at my son's school or daughter's nursery. I'm originally from the West Midlands my husband from Strood Kent.

Pat 🙂

I moved to the UK to be with my british husband back in 98.We had moved around quite alot in that time due to husbands work,but....never did make any special friends.I'm like you,joined various groups hoping to connect with others beyond the group,but its never happened.Not sure why that is.I think to an extent its the stiff british upper lip thing going on,as in my home country,had plenty of close friends.God help you if you invite someone into your home for a cuppa.I've been given weird looks,excuses,you name it.I've now given up tbh.Its too much hard work.I am returning to live in my home country soon,where I will obviously re connect with my close friends.I've never felt so lonely in my life,and feel its had quite a negative impact on my life.Seems to me the british way is to go to work,come home,shut the front door and the world away and your life revolves being stuck inside your home,alone.No thanks.I'm done with it.

Hi lily, yes it’s a tricky one I was an army wife and moved 17 times in 21years ! And I had 4 children , 2 of whom went to boarding school post 11 for stability in their education. I dreaded going to the “wives club” coffee morning as a newbie but no other way to settle in I used to hope I’d meet someone from a previous posting . I also did not conform to the rules why should I be judged by what rank my husband was what a load of cobblers .
When I retired I tried a few activities but it’s hard to break in to established groups , I do however volunteer at a living history museum and work front of house and I love it meeting people of different ages countries and as I always have had an interest in local history and love to chat.....perfect .

Oh Lily, your comments, and everyone else's, have got me worried. We are about to retire to Dorset, where we know no-one. My plan was to join U3A and walking and cycling groups, but it doesn't sound hopeful from everyone's experiences. I will miss my amateur dramatics group, so I think perhaps I will seek out a new one. It's a very good way of getting involved with others through a project - the latest production - and there's always lots of work to be done and teamwork. Wish me luck!

Hi Lily, this is a difficult one isn't it. After living in the Midlands UK for 60yrs, we moved to Devon to be near grandchildren. I was worried about leaving friends and family behind, however I have found the local area to be friendly, I have joined some groups and I do a Pilates class 3 times a week, I do agree though that once people have completed the activity they rush home. The only difference I have found is the Pilates class and that is because the teachers have a coffee and biscuit ready for everyone after the class, we all sit around on sofas and relax, this gives people the time to chat to get to know one another and not just concentrate on the activity.

I have also met new friends in our local coffee shop, the same people seem to pop in for coffee so they became familiar, we invited the owners to our house for a drink and nibbles and have continued to build friendships in that way, by either chatting in the coffee shop or inviting neighbours etc around for a coffee or drinks.

What about a dance class? you can go along without a partner, I usually find them very friendly and there is nothing more fun than some music and dance lessons, they also often have social evenings to try your new dance skills out or just to have a social get together.

Good luck, don't give up, I'm sure you will find some friends soon xx

I am only really use Silversurfers and comment on the Times online and also (I hate to say it) The Mail online. The latter two are just for commenting but I do think on Silversurfers I have made some very good and interesting online friends and have a lot of very good hearted banter and interesting discussions with them. Lionel comes to mind and so does Yodama and Kes and there are scores of amazing photographers and poets as well. Stay with it Lily49 and I am sure you will find there is a large and jolly and very interesting crowd here!

Ohhh Lily I so relate with your experience of joining groups with the aim of making some new friends. Tried all kinds of groups just like you and came away feeling more lonely and isolated and downright disappointed. One art group I joined were of same category of people as myself.....retired, children grown, age 68 up-wards etc. i introduced myself to each member of the group asking their names etc. At the end of the 10 week course I could not recall any of their names because they never spoke to me and I gave up trying to speak to them but I did create some fantastic artwork.

Well taking the advice of my daughter I got a dog for various reasons. That was three years ago. Eureka....last week i met another dog walker and we got chatting. He was polite, friendly and did not seem to be in a rush to move off like most other dog walkers i had come spoke to in the past who only shared pleasantries then quickly rushed off to get on with their day.

Long story short we met up to walk our dogs and chat each day. We got on well together and conversation was two sided. Got to point were he gave me a little hug upon parting after our walks. I did not see this as strange because I do hug my friends and I considered him to be a friend.

Secretly I was thrilled......I HAD FOUND A FRIEND?????

On a very rainy,cold day, he invited me to his home for a coffee (he lived near by to where dog walk ended whereas I drove to the walk). Still seeing him as a friend who i was relaxed with and trusted, I accepted his invitation. Big mistake on my part!!!!!!

Coffee was lovely, among other things, talked about his family and wife he had lost to cancer nine months ago. Our dogs were getting on well together. All was well, then he called me into the kitchen and when i was near enough to him to gave me a hug. Now this was not a parting hug between friends. Warning bells came on....then he kissed me one the lips. It was so unexpected and took me totally by surprise i was unable to say anything. Of course i was unresponsive and managed to pull away.

Well good grief, we were not singing from the same hymn sheet. Shocked is an understatement......So disappointed at not having found a friend at all.

So Lily just goes to show the length some of us go to, chances we take to avoid being lonely and feeling isolated.

So this experience drove me to silversurfers and I had the pleasure of reading your post Lily which i so identify with. Thank you so much

Lily49, it is hard to make friends after a certain age. If you are living in a senior community I imagine it is much easier but then you have the opportunity for some intrusive friends perhaps.

I relocated to be closer to my daughter 20 months ago. It is hard to make friends in New England. The experience you have had is quite common. People go to activities for a singular purpose and then leave. What is sad for them is that when their relationships end, they are lost. I would consider it a blessing that these people haven't tried to engage you. Be particular. There are friendly people out there who want to meet others.

What state are you in?

I feel I fit into the same situation Lily49. I moved to a new area 15 years ago after getting divorced. I've joined and even created popular groups, but haven't made any real friends, just lots of acquaintances. My true friends are those from years ago.... one from 1969, would you believe ! It's hurtful when people make comments implying they don't need new friends. We all need friends

Move to South/Mid Wales! I was worried when I came to live with my daughter and her Welsh Husband on the outskirts of a small village. I need not have been! A friend of my daughter introduced me to her mother who took me to the local WI, where another lady's husband was a member of the local Art Society which I also joined and I have made several good friends over the years that I can call any time. The whole village knew all about me before I knew anyone, but I have met nothing but friendliness here from the start. I used to live in town, and yes that can be lonely maybe because people value their own personal space among the crowds and are afraid of intrusion.

Absolutely true, Lily. I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how polite, friendly and "open" people are to newcomers, by our age they've made their friends and "that's it and all about it", as my dad used to say (we now say "end of", I think). I even ran a U3A group for a while and the only time anyone got it touch with me was when they were cancelling, wanting info, etc. This was a group which is very niche and, initially, finding others who were interested in my favourite interest was like a ray of sunshine on a drab day. But as for anything out of meeting hours - forget it. I don't think they socialised with each other either (except for the ones who brought a friend along - they tended to whisper between themselves and ignore the rest of us.
I've come to the conclusion that you get a better class of friend on the Internet. Of course, you have to be wary of nutters and needy spongers! But, on the whole, you can get to know people better when you have to type it out to each other, rather than having someone mumbling in your general direction while avoiding full eye contact!

Lily its not you! I have found almost exactly the same. Retired four years ago, took on three volunteering jobs, joined U3A groups, attend exercises classes, generally love the company of other people, but not one of my new contacts has turned into the kind of friend you can meet for coffee, or more of a friendship. I find it really perplexing because most people give the impression their lives are full to bursting and they have a wide circle of friends, but how did they acquire them? I dont know the answer, maybe church communities are better at this sort of thing? but I am not a believer. Maybe people have bigger families and rely on them, my family is small and half live abroad. At the moment the person I talk to most and visit for coffee is my 92 year old neighbour! and that is because she is immobile and cant manage without the help. I do have friends from the days when my children were small, but most of them live some distance away, so contact is sporadic. Has anyone acquired a 'real' friend in later life?