"really" making new friends!
Watch this postIs it just me, or am I missing something?? I have tried joining several groups~ (U3A, National Trust, RSPB, walking groups, etc, etc)~ and good though they all are in their own ways, I have made no "real "friends'.
I am fairly sociable and outgoing and reasonable intelligent, so I Can communicate well ~BUT~ ~ The groups all meet at the appropriate times and places, the individual activities are participated in, the session ends, and we all go home! Try as I might, Nobody wants to pursue the "acquaintances"~ (I use that word rather than the word "friend")~ outside of these groups, even though I have suggested to some of the folks I Seem to get on with that we might meet outside the group for a coffee, or anything else. They all scuttle off like frightened rabbits and don't appear to want to take it any further. I have noticed that most of the folks seem to come in twos or threes, so already Know others with whom they have closer/longer friendships.
One lady actually said, "~I don't need to make any more new friends, I have enough already". Think it just about sums it up! So ~ ~ this mythical idea that joining groups allay loneliness to me seems the exact Opposite!
I feel more lonely and isolated at the end of the sessions than before I went in! It's "goodbye, see you next month", and everyone is gone!
Any suggestions? Does anyone have similar experiences??
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I have had similar experiences. Some of it was because members of those groups were friends long before I arrived on the scene, some because of age differences with members of the group.
I was a professional dancer many years ago and also owned dance studios. I volunteered to teach a dance class at our local senior center and that did help with making deeper connections for some reason. Go figure...
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I think what you say is sad but true. So many lonely people out there. I do some local volunteering which helps others and me - very hard trying to understand people sometimes! Take care.
Having taken up chess and playing on line my wife Diana suggested that I join the Prague Chess Club which meets weekly in a dedicated section of a popular hotel, to make a few new friends. I joined, and went.
It never occurred to me that 40 people sat in pairs in a hushed atmosphere deeply focused on their games, then in silence swapped partners and did the same again...till the end of the evening.
After loosing 2 matches I joined a couple of guys in discussion at the bar (coffee and tea...) and looked blankly at him when one asked me what I though of Sarkoys 5 th move in the 19xx championship match against XXXXX which they were analysing.
I asked if he was interested in cars / music / model aircraft / photography and that was the end of my part in the conversation.
I still play chess on line.....
a thimble full of fresh air! They weren't friends, they were fiends!
All they ever wanted was to use me for their own convenience and, being a soft touch, I fell for it.
I was just being friendly and (Stupidly thought) friends help each other.
It was more a case of 'friends' helping themselves!
Well, I have no friends and nobody that I can turn to.
I have learnt to keep myself to myself and some folk think that I am anti-social and possibly a bit of a miserable ol' sod!
I'm neither of those things........................ I am just very. very careful.
I still have an old school friend from 75 years ago, we still keep in touch regularly though we live many miles apart. True friends are worth making an effort for after all!
Im more than happy to extend my friendhsip group particularly nw since I have retired.
Yes I have experienced the same situation with choirs myself (although I enjoy music), Strangely i am enjoying my on line choir (as of course the local one is not meeting) People there have thought of new ideas... for example dressing up as the charecters in the singing (I wouldn't have thought of that personally)
When life gets back to normal....must look into the water aerobics thank you for that!
All the best
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Its hard when your not in a regular environment to keep mixing with people. 2 hours a week in a class is not frequent enough, and when your the newby it is hard to break into groups, I think waiting for another newcomer to join is the only chance, but it is a slim one.
The best time I had was making tea at a church hall, waiting on the tables got me talking to lots of people every week, but no real friendships, after all, they brought their friends with them!
Feel free to contact me if you want to chat,
I find groups hard as I feel uncomfortable with new people especially if they have all formed friendships within the group and you are trying to break in. I speak to people when out and about and will have conversations with them but this doesn't lead to friendships. I have noticed lots of people on their own when I am out and about.
I have been successful with groups in the past but found when the friends I made meet a fella the friendships withers out.
So as I was having a down day I though I would give this site a go.
Out with my 2 tiny dogs, I usually get people commenting about them, especially if we are on the bike, after all its not everyday you see a strange woman with 2 dogs all on a bike!
I do have a husband, but he's no company, he can go days without any conversation. He sits in another room, watching sports, and falling asleep.
I was thinking once of contacting the friends page of the magazine 'Yours', but chickened out.
I suppose, especially since lock down, that this is it, After a few years of being friendless, although I will chat to anyone, it will not happen, I cant replace the friends who I knew for many years and have lost, so I just get busy on my own most of the time.
Many times I have got chatting to someone, and given them my email, or even phone nunber, saying I realy enjoyed chatting, lets do it again, and never heard from them. I do think it is a trust thing, we are wary of being conned, so it spoils the spontaneity, and we dont meet the same people enough to form a bond perhaps. Or maybe they are too busy and just forget.
Anyway, it is very nice of you to have answered, appreciated.
I think we have all had less time for friends once we meet a partner, unfortunately this is how it often goes, but we soon remember them when it gets tough again.
And some frienships are very one sided, as in its only one person doing all the contacting.
Hope you soon feel a bit better, at least lock down has eased somewhat now.
I think it is harder to make friends as we get older. I am still in touch with my school friends, they don't live close to me but we all arrange to meet up once a year when I go home to visit my family. We share so many memories.
I think when younger you do meet more often, you are all single you shop together, go to pubs and clubs together. What I find hard is my family live far away, and I have sons not daughters. I do see them regularly but not the same. All my friends have families close by so weekends and holidays they are visiting family and don't have the same time I have.
Sometimes I just want to pick up phone and say lets go shopping or lets meet for lunch. it is hard but I got my health and got my job so can't complain too much.
This site seems to be good.
I bet it is realy uplifting, seeing school friends again, and chatting about childhood, and the teachers! I never went to a re-union, after being bullied at school, and seeing on facebbok so many of them having high flying careers, and feeling fat and frumpy, it would be the last thing I wanted, to meet a dozen of them and be the outsider again. No thanks!
It is hard when your family have been your whole life for decades, then they up and leave, and live far away. But some may wish to change places with you, not every family works well when living close.
Maybe you should try ringing and arranging a coffee, even if they decline, your no worse off, and maybe there is a chance they want a break, and could say yes? Even if they say no, at least you have tried, and they know your thinking of them.
How long till your back at work? As you say, soon be interacting, and also, less time to be bored!
I know what you mean. I am not one for joining groups and because I am still in full-time work find it hard to get the time. I did many years ago join a travel group but found they all knew each other and weren't into making new friends outside their groups. I did meet somebody locally and we formed a friendship. I then joined another local friendship group which has now closed and met some good friends. Still friends with one lady I met there, although most have found somebody and now how a relationship so don't see them now.
I enjoy walking but find a lot of the ramblers meet in the day time and I am unfit but will look to join another one. I love the theatre but can't sing or ac t but love going to see shows and would love to join a group like this but none in my area.
My family live far away and many of my neighbours have passed on or moved away and mostly young people here now. I don't really have any hobbies which makes it harder. But feel I need to be making new friends as retirement is looming and lockdown has given me a taste of what it may be like, sat in day after day.
Although I drive now I have just had my bus pass I often catch the bus and see so many people on their own but their doesn't seem to be any clubs locally. I think the older you get the harder it is to find close friendships. Most of my current friends have been friends for a long time.
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I found a knitting group that met in a pub, which was newly formed. So getting in at the start of the group really helped me to feel we were all in this together. I found another choir that had a big social aspect to it, which I loved. Of course covid has halted that one, but at least I should be able to get back to it at some point. I also found another craft group that meets once a month. It was a really small group, and they knew one another. But I persevered, and found I did get accepted into the group. We have found we can meet online once a month still which is one activity I do look forward to.
What I would say though is persevere, as groups often take a while to accept new faces as familiar faces. Best of luck.
Pole dancing- laughed so hard could hardly hang on, collected bruises like Tesco loyalty points. Burlesque chair dancing - found my inner goddess and scaring the husband with my kitchen moves.
Although I haven’t been successful in seeing the activity “friends” outside the events it has improved my outlook. I look forward to the smiles and laughs.
I also volunteer at a community library. There’s a wide range of ages, skills and abilities. I now help with basic English and Maths for adults, help with budgeting and life skills, cooking and recipes.
If you have knitting, crochet, quilting or dressmaking skills there may be a “knit and natter” group.
Even better approach a local cafe, ask for their quietest time ask to use their facilités to start your own group for an hour. If you’re the organiser folk will have to come to you!!!
Great positive attitude as a fellow size 22 no way could I consider pole dancing.
However there is plenty out there it's just a case of making the effort to find it.I found the library a good start also what's on sites for your local area. Unfortunately the pandemic has put a halt to social groups but now we can get out for a coffee again I have been able to meet friends on a one by one basis at a local cafe'
Then, I was encouraged to try a dating site. At first I was very reluctant. The risk! The potential crazy people! But I gave it a go. I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship at all. Just a friend. I gave out little information and began chatting to other people. It's not difficult to spot unsuitable people. Plus it's much better than the pub or dance where you are extremely exposed. I met up with a couple of nice people, but we knew there was no future. Then I saw a photo and a description, and something clicked. On line chats followed and phone calls. In short I met my partner. That was seven years ago. I was as surprised as anyone to find a lovely person and best friend. Since then I've known many people who have found someone on line. It's scary to begin with, and a bad idea to drink before typing, but ultimately the experience has made my life much, much happier. Take the leap!
You have given us all hope . I feel the same regarding all the last comments..
After spending my life at sea working for Norwegian companies as a stewardess / housekeeper
and coming ashore when I retired. Most of my friends are scattered all over the globe, which
makes it so hard to meet new people, especially at my age..
Good luck to everyone.
bellamarie
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Perhaps trying an active class as wonderwoman suggested might be better.
I really feel like going back to work some days just for the chat and companionship.
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Good luck and feel free to be in touch if you wish.
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I'm a member of U3A and once tried a private group.
However I met with the same thing, most members come in pairs and not willing
to suggest other meet ups, like meeting up for coffee etc.
This is why there is so much loneliness around.
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I try to stay positive, especially during this time of self isolation, but some days I do get depressed and end up eating my body weight in ice cream and crisps!
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Now, this is an interesting question to me.
I am a married man, 52 and hideously unattractive (seriously, a suitmaker once told me that my legs are statistically too short for my body). With two beautiful kids 18 and 16, I find myself, very sadly, in a lonely situation where I have plenty of old school mates and loads of business 'friends' who come and go.
People crave togetherness. But at this age, 50+, maybe we are just a bit shy and once we meet two or three like-minded people then we cling on to that.
Don't be disheartened.l These things take time. And until then, at least you have chat rooms like this. 🙂
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